An Act of Persuasion(43)

“Why didn’t you say anything after that night? Why did you wait days before even bringing up the subject at all? You could have confronted me and told me how you felt then.”

He wasn’t sure where the question came from, but she was right. Lying together in a quiet bedroom in the middle of the afternoon listening to the sound of the air-conditioning unit hum was intimate. Like anything they said to each other would be okay. Would be real.

“I don’t know. Part of it was stubbornness. I wanted you to bring it up first. When you didn’t, I assumed you didn’t want to rehash it. Then I thought...it’s so stupid.”

“Tell me.”

“I thought maybe we didn’t have to talk about it. Maybe we could just slip into this relationship without you having to admit how you felt and it would be easier for you. Less messy.”

“Or having to admit how you felt, either.”

She twisted her neck so she could see him. “I guess so. I guess it makes me a little bit of a coward. I should have come clean with you from the start. But then I felt you pushing me away...”

“I wasn’t. I mean...I didn’t want you to feel like that. I just didn’t want to fight you about the stem cell procedure.”

She was quiet then, but he sensed she wasn’t done asking questions.

“So, if I had told you that I had feelings for you before you got sick, what would you have done?”

He would have fired her. He would have fired her rather than admit that somewhere deep inside he craved those feelings from her. “I don’t know,” he lied.

“I thought so. I think we both knew it was easier for us to say nothing. And that was true before and after that night.”

Ben pulled her a little tighter. “Maybe, but saying nothing cost me. I lost you for weeks because of it. So I’ll say this. I had a really nice day today.”

He could feel her body react to his words. “Me, too.”

“This feels nice with you in my arms.”

There was a moment of hesitation then finally she sighed. “I guess.”

“We’re going to make this work, Anna. You’ll see.”

He fell asleep quickly, content in the knowledge that he had made progress that day. And it didn’t worry him at all that Anna never replied.

* * *

ANNA LISTENED TO the sound of his even breathing and wondered if she slipped the pillow out from under her head carefully and started beating him repeatedly with it if she could make those soft, even sounds go away.

It wasn’t fair. He was relaxed and on the verge of snoring and she was staring at the wall, still exhausted but completely unable to sleep.

Had she ever only slept with someone? She didn’t think so. There was sex. There was dozing after sex. There was leaving quietly after sex. There was pulling away from Ben and making sure he was covered with a blanket and then going to her own room after sex.

There had never been any sleeping. Lying in someone’s arms. Trusting herself completely in his care. Being vulnerable enough to let go with another person in this very simple way.

Wow, it was harder than she’d thought.

He’d been her boss. They had worked together. She’d spent six years thinking she was in love with him. But lying in this bed with him, listening to his even breathing, feeling his chest move up and down seemed way too...real.

What if she snored? How completely mortifying it would be if he knew that. How...personal. There was no hope for it. If she tried to sneak out, she would wake him up. He was too sensitive to movement and sound not to know she was escaping...leaving.

As tired as he was, he needed the sleep. It was important for his total recovery. So she would simply lie next to him and wait until he stirred. Then after he left, she could collapse into bed...alone...and feel free to sleep for as long as she wanted.

But, man, was she tired now. Her eyes were so heavy. She imagined there was nothing wrong with closing them. Certainly, she could doze for a bit. Dozing wasn’t exactly like sleeping because some part of her mind would still be alert to her surroundings. Dozing would allow her to rest without completely abandoning control to hard-core sleep.

Eyes closed, warm in his partial embrace, she fought against losing consciousness. She wouldn’t sleep. She couldn’t sleep.

She fought it for as long as she could but eventually junior took over and demanded control of her body for a time.

And so she slept. With Ben.

Totally weird.