An Act of Persuasion(34)

He laughed without humor. “Choose my path? Sort of an ironic thing to say to a man who has had little choice for the past year. You want to talk about dropping bombshells, forget that I wasn’t sure if I was going to live or die, I broke a long-held, self-imposed rule and had sex with with an employee. Then my long-time employee and very close friend suddenly left me at a time when I desperately needed her. In the span of weeks I realized two things—I was going to live and I was sterile. I would never have my own children, which I didn’t even think I wanted, until...wait! You come back into my life to tell me you’re pregnant with my child and that you have, in fact, loved me for a very long time. However, immediately on the heels of that declaration you tell me there can be nothing between us. Those are some pretty big surprises, wouldn’t you say?”

She had the decency to blush. He hoped guilt motivated it. “I’m sorry. I guess, I was only thinking about...well, me. Yuck.”

He turned his hand under hers so that their fingers meshed and he squeezed it in shared commiseration. “You had a pretty rough few months, too.”

She nodded and he could see her eyes watering. This new pregnant Anna, he was coming to realize, was a crier.

“I was so afraid you were going to die,” she sobbed. “When the first round of chemo didn’t work, I didn’t know what to think. I couldn’t believe it could actually happen, that you might not live. I wouldn’t believe it. So all I could think about was the next step, the next round of treatment.

“Then one night, out of the blue, you’re sitting there with this massive erection and all of a sudden we’re doing it when I’ve wanted to do it with you for years. Then you don’t talk to me for days. Nothing about your health, certainly nothing about that night. Suddenly, you get this call and, oh, by the way, you’re doing this risky procedure that might kill you even faster. And about that night...it just sort of happened and you’re really sorry it did.” She paused. “I had to leave. Don’t you see? You left me no choice.

“Except four weeks later I’m peeing on a stick and, wow, I’m going to be a mother. I had to tell you about it. Then finally, finally after six years of holding it inside I spill my guts all over the place and tell you I love you. You say it’s not over and walk out and I’m, like, what the hell does that mean? And today, after twenty-two years of not caring I finally decided to find my parents. So, yeah, I’m right there with you.”

He stood and moved around the table to pull her into his arms. Hugging her like he hadn’t hugged anyone in a very long time.

She sobbed on his neck and he could feel the dampness seep through the short-sleeved polo.

“You did say massive erection. I heard that correctly, didn’t I?”

She laughed and hiccupped and then hit him on the shoulder. All the things he wanted to accomplish with that statement.

“I’m sorry I didn’t consider things from your perspective,” she said as she used the back of her hand to wipe away her tears. “I can’t say I’m sorry I left you. Because I really felt I had to go, but I’m sorry for all the other stuff you went through alone.”

“Okay. That’s fair.”

“Ben.” She looked at him intently. “I don’t think I can do it. I mean, have sex with you. The first time it was too much. Too big. Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever did. I felt broken for weeks after and it took all my strength to get back to this place where I am. I’m not ready to go down that road...yet.”

And there it was: that small window of opportunity. Ben was suddenly in love with the word yet.

“I get it,” he said, stopping her from saying anything else, before she could think too much about it. He didn’t want to screw this up. He cupped her face in his hands. Her precious face that he’d missed so much. He ran his thumb over her cheekbone, then her lower lip.

Yes, he wanted her. But not now. Not after all this stuff that had been spewed about the room. Ben could feel how the emotions cluttered up the air. On both sides. But there was one thing he had to set straight. He wasn’t leaving her without her knowing what their future would look like.

“I said that I don’t know if I love you. But I do want you. Desperately. Like you said...maybe love is a choice. Well, then let me try.”

She shook her head, her cheek brushing against his palm. She was so damn soft. “Ben, you can’t force yourself to love someone. That’s not what I meant when I said you had a choice.”