An Act of Persuasion(27)

“Then can we get back to our conversation earlier? I asked you to come live with me. So I can take care of you.”

She swallowed and set down the container. “You did.”

“Then you burst into tears.”

“I told you—”

“I know. Hormones. But why did the idea of living with me bring on said hormones? We’ve done it before, Anna. I’m not asking you to share my bed. I just want to go back to the way things were.”

Suddenly an image of her in his bed popped to mind and forced him to turn his back to her slightly so she wouldn’t see his thickening erection. He needed to get control of this. It was embarrassing. He was a walking hard-on around this woman.

She unfolded her legs and stood. He could see she was gathering up courage for some big proclamation.

“I can’t go back to the way things were, Ben.”

“Why not? Just a simple answer.”

“Because it will hurt too much,” she said sadly. She walked up to him and rubbed his arm like she was soothing a child. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine.”

“What are you saying? Speak coherently.”

“Since I was six years old I lived in three different foster homes. The longest I had stayed anywhere since my mother abandoned me, was with you. In your office, then in your home when you got sick. Don’t you get it?”

“No. What am I supposed to get?”

“You became my home. You became my family. I fell in love with you.”

He jerked at the words. “Please don’t be melodramatic.”

She smiled and rubbed his arm again. “I know. You don’t like the messy stuff. But it’s true.”

“I don’t know what to say.” His chest felt hollow and he had to concentrate to breathe.

“Let me get it all out. Now, once and for all, and then you’ll see why I’m not going to marry you or live with you or anything like that. You were my life, my reason for getting up. You made me happy and angry and sad. That night we had sex was the most amazing night of my life because I thought you finally understood what I felt. And I thought...I thought maybe you felt...something, too.”

I did. Only he couldn’t seem to get the words out.

“But then you shut me out completely. You made this decision that could have ended your life.”

“It didn’t. It worked. I’m alive because of it.”

She shook her head and pressed her lips together. “Maybe. It doesn’t matter. To me it was like having my mother walk away all over again. You were willing to leave me. To take that risk, without even considering how I might feel about it. Any chance we had, any hope I had...it was done then. I had to face the truth. You didn’t care for me like I cared about you and that night was only about some last-chance sex for you.”

Her conclusions were ridiculous. “Anna, I was fighting for my life. Not abandoning you.”

“See, that’s just it. I thought we were fighting for your life.”

“I’m sorry. But I still don’t understand. You say all these things. About how you feel. I’m offering to marry you. I’m giving you a chance to come back to the place you said was your home.”

Anna shrugged. “I know. Crazy, right? But it’s gone now. The delusion, or the hope, or whatever. I can’t pretend you love me and I can’t love someone who doesn’t love me back. I mean, how pathetic would that be? So we’re done. We’ve got to figure out the right thing to do for this kid, but the you-and-me part of it is over.”

No. He wouldn’t accept it. Simply hearing her say the words felt as though this heavy weight dropped on his body.

He remembered being trapped in a foreign embassy where he was planting a listening device. He remembered hearing footsteps getting closer to the room where he was working. He remembered seeing the bars on the window and knowing that the only exit was through the door where the enemy was about to walk through and capture him.

He’d felt this same sensation then. A sense of hopelessness.

No way out.

Except he’d managed to find a loose panel in the dropped ceiling. He’d been able to lift himself up into the crawl space and replace the panel just as the door to the room had opened.

He’d stayed in that space for hours until the diplomat who had returned to the office to work late had finally left.

It taught him a valuable lesson.

There was always a way out.