All We Can Do Is Wait(43)

“What’s it about?” Jason asked.

“Tales of the City? It’s, like, a bunch of people living in San Francisco. It’s pretty old and pretty gay. I found it on Amazon.”

“Oh, cool. What do you mean, ‘pretty gay’?”

“I don’t know. I mean, there are gay guys in it, and a gay guy wrote it. But it more just, like . . . feels gay.”

“What does that mean?”

“You know. It’s just got a gay vibe.”

“Aha.”

Kyle put the book down and leaned in closer to Jason. He reached out a hand and fixed Jason’s bangs. Jason flinched for a second, scared that someone might see them. But then he thought about the morning, all that nakedness and intimacy, and he thought about what it meant to feel gay, and he let Kyle touch him, there in public.

“You should read it.”

Jason closed his eyes, reveling in Kyle’s touch. “Maybe I will.”

“And we should go.”

“Like, leave?” Jason asked, surprised. “We just got here.”

“No, idiot.” Kyle laughed. “To San Francisco. Someday. It sounds amazing.”

“O.K.,” Jason murmured. He would have agreed to anything just then, if it meant feeling more of the peace and contentedness he felt at that moment. “I like you,” Jason said, eyes open now, looking directly into Kyle’s. “I like you.” Then, rather brazenly for him, he kissed Kyle, not a quick peck, but a long and lingering one. Making out on a beach, in the middle of the day! How about that.

When Jason eventually pulled away, Kyle smiled and said, “I like you too. A lot. But I kinda wish we didn’t have to, y’know, drive all the way to Dennis just to hang out.”

“We hung out this morning, at my house . . .” Jason said.

“Yeah, when your whole family was safely not home.”

“What, you wanna hook up while they’re home?”

Kyle sighed. “No, obviously not. I just . . . I wish you would tell them.”

This conversation again. Jason rolled over, onto his back, the sky a pure and jewel-tone blue. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because . . . I just can’t. We don’t talk about stuff like that.”

“Like what? Like dating?”

“Yeah, like dating. Like sex.”

Kyle laughed, maybe a little annoyed. “Well, you don’t have to tell them that we have sex.”

“But they’ll know . . .” Jason trailed off, hoping they could be done with this particular conversation for the day, for the summer even.

Kyle sat up and then there was his face, looming above Jason with a weird, serious expression. “Maybe I should tell Alexa.”

Jason reared back, sat up too. “What?”

Kyle shrugged. “Maybe I should tell Alexa. Wouldn’t that make it easier? Like ripping off a Band-Aid, only you don’t even have to do the ripping. I’ll do it for you.”

“Kyle, no, please don’t. That would be really shitty. Please don’t do that.”

“She’s my friend too! She’s one of my best friends. I can’t tell my best friend about the great guy I’m dating?” He was trying to soften the moment with affection there at the end, but it wasn’t going to work on Jason, not then.

“Please, Kyle. I’m serious. Do not tell my sister anything.”

Kyle frowned, looked off at the water. “I wish you weren’t so ashamed of me.”

“What? Oh, come on. Don’t be dramatic. I’m not ashamed of you.”

“You sure act like it sometimes.”

Jason put a hand on Kyle’s shoulder, gave it a squeeze. “I’m not. I promise. And I will tell them. When it’s the right time. I will.”

Kyle leaned into Jason’s touch and Jason felt him relax, the tension gone. “O.K.,” Kyle said quietly. Impulsively, Jason scooted forward and wrapped both arms around him, his hands on Kyle’s bare chest—as much physical contact as they’d ever had in public. He rested his chin on Kyle’s shoulder.

“I will. I promise. I will.” And Kyle seemed to relent.

The rest of the day was easy and relaxed, Kyle reading and Jason watching him, sometimes dozing off, the sounds of seagulls cawing and kids laughing in the surf creating a soothing kind of lullaby.

The coming out thing was not the only issue that Kyle pressed that summer. He was always pushing to go to Provincetown, but something about that place, about its supposedly unbridled gayness, scared Jason. He had refused all of Kyle’s pleas that they drive out and spend one of his days off there, but then, at the end of August, the Friday of Labor Day weekend, Kyle announced that it was his birthday (Jason wasn’t sure he was telling the truth) and that he was demanding that they go. So, after making sure his sister and his parents and everyone he knew would be nowhere near Provincetown that day, Jason agreed. Kyle yelped and jumped and gave Jason a kiss, saying, “You’re going to loooove it. You’ll be a total queen by the end of the day.”

Kyle picked Jason up early, but not so early that Alexa wasn’t at work and his parents weren’t playing a game of doubles at the club. Jason fretted over outfits, not wanting to stand out either way—to be too gay or too straight. He settled on a pair of shortish shorts, rolling the legs up once to get them the right length, and a tank top. Feeling a little brave, maybe because it was the end of summer and there was a sense of fuck it and finality in the air, Jason got a pair of scissors from the kitchen and cut the sleeve holes open a bit more, not so low that it would qualify as a “skank tank,” but low enough that, sure, he felt a little sexy.