All They Need(81)

“Time isn’t going to make any difference, Flynn.” It was hard to make herself say the words but she had to. Had to make him understand that if things were going to continue between them, there would be certain limitations. “I don’t ever want to live with a man again. And I definitely never want to get married.”

He didn’t move, didn’t say a word, but she could see she’d shocked him. It took him a moment to respond.

“Like I said, I’m willing to wait as long as it takes. We can take things one day at a time,” he finally said.

“It’s not going to change anything. I know what I want, and what I don’t want. I don’t want to lose myself to a relationship again.”

He stared at her, and she could see the dawning understanding in his eyes as he realized that she was serious. That this was a deal breaker for her.

His gaze dropped to the floor and he lifted his hand to rub his forehead, masking his expression from her for long seconds.

“It doesn’t change the way I feel about you. I love spending time with you. I’d like to keep spending time with you,” she said quietly.

He nodded but didn’t drop his hand. Something big and heavy was sitting in the pit of her stomach. She’d hurt him. Shocked him. He wanted her to have his key. He was serious about her. And she’d hurt him.

“Flynn, I’m really sorry,” she said helplessly.

Her gaze fell on the chopped parsley and garlic. Tears burned the back of her eyes. She liked this man so much. But she understood that what she’d said may have killed off any possibility between them, including the ones that scared her.

“If you want me to go, I can go. If you need time to think… I understand,” she said.

“I don’t want you to go, Mel. That’s pretty much the point, really, isn’t it?” He lifted his head and looked at her, his blue eyes blazing with intensity. “I’m crazy about you. I don’t want you to go anywhere.”

Even though she was half-afraid she wouldn’t be welcome, she stepped forward and threw her arms around him. His arms came around her at the same time and they held each other tightly.

“Mel…”

She cupped the back of his head and pressed her cheek against his. He was such a special man. So beautiful, inside and out. But she simply could not risk herself again the way she had during her marriage. She’d already come so much further so much faster with Flynn than she’d imagined she could, but she didn’t have it in her to go further again. The thought of it alone was enough to push her into genuine panic.

She never wanted to feel as weak and helpless as she had during her marriage, and the only way she knew to do that was to protect herself against everyone. Including Flynn, and including herself.

“I know you don’t like talking about your marriage, but you have to know that I would never hurt you, Mel,” he said, his voice gruff with emotion.

“I know. And I trust you. But I have to look after myself. That’s what I learned from my marriage—that I can’t expect anyone else to do that for me.”

They drew apart. Flynn still looked shell-shocked. Maybe even a little shattered. She ached for him, wishing she could find the one thing to say that would make everything okay between them.

“Look, if you need time, I can go. I really don’t mind,” she offered again.

He shook his head. “I just need to get my head around this.” He picked up the bottle and yanked the cork out, but he didn’t pour the wine into the glasses he’d set out. Instead, he looked at the bottle as though he wasn’t quite sure what to do with it.

“I guess what I’m trying to understand is how you see this working between us, if living together and marriage are out of the question,” he said after a moment. “What do you see happening between us?”

His gaze was piercing, searching as it met hers.

“We keep doing what we’ve been doing,” she said. “We spend weekends together, nights during the week. It doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t change what we have together.”

“It changes a lot of things, Mel. What about children, for starters?”

She blinked in surprise.

“Or hadn’t you even gotten that far yet?” He sounded sad.

She shook her head. “I hadn’t. I guess— I hadn’t.”

She hadn’t allowed herself to go there. When she’d first married Owen she’d wanted children, but at a certain point in her marriage she’d become profoundly grateful that she hadn’t gotten pregnant.