All I Ask(32)

With my eyes closed, I grab a color.

Blue.

How appropriate, since I’m feeling quite blue.

As soon as I dip the paint, my world shifts. I’m transported to where I can just…be.

The color glides against the canvas, creating another variation of the ocean I always paint.

Each time, the hues are different, the lights shining off the water in a different way, but the perspective is always the same.

I’m in the ocean, looking at the shore, wondering where in this great big world I fit.

I don’t know how long I’m here. Time is irrelevant, but the sun is setting and the air is chilling.

“We have to stop running into each other this way.” Derek’s voice a little way back causes me to jump.

Shit. I quickly try to clean up what I was doing. There are only two people in the world who know I paint…Chastity and Nina. It’s something that’s mine and I’ve never wanted to share it. I dump the paints and dirty brush in the bag. “I was here first.”

He’s at the beginning of the dunes and it’ll take him maybe thirty seconds to get here. I get the bulk of things put away, but I don’t know what to do with the canvas. I really love the blues and purples in this one and don’t want to ruin it and yet I don’t want him to see it.

I turn my head and see him closer than I thought. Jesus, is he running?

I stand, put the canvas against my knees, and wrap my blanket around me, hoping it doesn’t completely screw it up.

“You were here first, but you were always good about sharing.”

“It’s a big beach, you know?”

“I do.”

“And yet you keep finding the exact spot I’m at.” I purse my lips, wondering why that is. I specifically chose a little farther down the shore for this reason. I truly wanted solitude and to just…paint.

Right now, my emotions are too raw and close to the surface to be around anyone.

“Maybe I was looking for you…”

So many freaking times I wanted to hear that or something like that. I wanted him to find me, fix me, love me, but he never did.

It was stupid and immature, but when it came to Derek, I hoped, because he always came through for me.

“And why would you be looking for me?”

“Because I figure the more times I see you, the less awkward it will be.”

I nod once. “Well, okay then.”

Not sure that it’ll ever be that way, but we can hope. Our lives were on a course, and then we took a detour, but never ended up back on the same road. I don’t know that our friendship can be salvaged, which is sad, since he’s still the best friend I ever had. Even though Nina is a close second, it’s not the same.

“Truth?” he asks after a second.

“Always.”

Derek runs his hand through his hair, which used to be his nervous habit. “I’m struggling.”

My chest aches because I don’t like to see him hurting. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m completely fucking up this parenting thing.”

I laugh because I can relate. “We’re all throwing spaghetti at the wall to find out if it’s done, only to watch it fall off. Parenting, from what I’ve learned so far, is trial by fire.”

I’m in a constant state of anxiety and pretty much always wrong. There’s all these books, advice columns, and people who will offer infinite amounts of crappy wisdom that doesn’t work.

“Good to know.”

“I’m saying you’re not alone and you had a wife, who probably did a lot more than you knew.”

Derek sighs, letting me know I was right. “Everly hates me. And sometimes—okay, often—it feels like she’s purposely trying to make my life a living hell.”

“She’s a teenager. That’s her sole mission. And from what I’ve heard, your daughter seems to be a bit less like you and more like…”

“You!” He says with a laugh. “She’s you!”

I try not to take that as an insult, but looking back at myself at thirteen…it’s not a compliment.

“Well, I think I turned out all right after fucking things up pretty good. There’s hope.”

“From what my parents say about Chastity, you’ve done pretty amazing.”

“Yes, well, you didn’t think that when we were at the school.”

His laugh is soft. “I was pissed. My father and mother told me how she volunteers at the clinic. Then, Nina was raving about how smart she is. Not to mention the people in town talk about what a great kid she is when I’m doing vet calls.”

His compliment washes over me and I try not to smile like an idiot. I’ve done the best I can. Chastity is a smart, kind, and giving kid. She’s filled with sarcasm and fire, but uses it only at me. I think she’s beautiful, even if she doesn’t, and she won’t waste her life away like I did.

“So you talk about me when you’re on vet calls?” I ask.

“Anytime I see anyone they bring us up or ask if I’ve seen you. I’m proud of you, Tea. You’re raising her with very little help and I’ve got my parents and I’m floundering.”

“I know you’re a little in over your head, but you’ll find your footing.” I let out a little giggle. “Just in time for the floor to move and you’re wobbling again.”