All I Ask(24)

“Then what are you?”

I turn my head toward him. “Used to it.”

Derek’s eyes close and the breath expels from his nose. “I thought about you, Tea. I wrestled with calling you every single day.”

“But, what? You couldn’t? You really thought Meghan was going to leave you?”

He takes a few steps closer, eliminating the distance between us. “Yes.”

“I’m trying to understand here. I’m doing my best to get what the hell could make it that easy for you. You didn’t even try after that. I was…am…angry and I hate this.”

“I hated it! I hated it and then I hated you for making me hate it.”

“Me?” I gasp. “What did I do to deserve your anger? I woke up one day and realized that you didn’t want to ever hear my voice again. You never wanted to see me, know anything about me, and I was to act as though you were dead! Dead, Derek! You told me to go on with my life as though you had died because that was what I was to you—dead! And I didn’t do anything wrong!”

“I know that!”

“Then please, tell me, what was my crime?”

Derek’s breathing is labored and he throws his hands in the air. “You made me fall in love with you!”

Time seems to cease around me. I feel the air stop moving, and I can’t hear anything other than the words he just said replaying in my head.

He loved me?

He loved me the way I loved him and his way of dealing with it was to completely cut me out.

I romanticized for years over hearing those words from his lips. I dreamed of how he would take me in his arms, kiss me, tell me he was a fool and loved me. It was supposed to be this magical declaration.

Not out of anger. Not telling me that he hated me for making him love me.

I’m tired of being the bad guy.

I loved him too. I loved him so much that I was willing to suffer through his fucking wedding, stand by his side, and give him the little bit of peace I could. I didn’t use my love to hurt him. It stayed bottled up where I allowed it to eat me alive, and protect the relationship we were allowed to have.

I look up in his blue eyes, and a tear falls. “That’s the cruelest thing you could’ve ever said to me.”

And then, I walk away, leaving him like he left me.





Chapter Thirteen





Teagan




Twenty-one years old



“What are you saying?” I ask as tears start to stream down my face.

“I’m saying I don’t think we should talk anymore.”

My heart hurts. I’m confused and I don’t understand why Derek is saying these things. I haven’t done anything. We talked yesterday and everything was perfectly fine. What the hell changed?

“Why?”

“Because, Teagan, I don’t want to.”

This is crazy.

“I don’t believe you.”

He lets out a sigh and I imagine him pacing, like he does when he’s dealing with things that stress him out. “You don’t have to. It’s the way it is, you’ll understand someday.”

“I don’t understand any of this!” I yell and sink onto the couch. My stomach clenches and I rest my hand there. Why is he doing this? Why is he pushing me away?

“It’s just time. I’m married now and having my own family. I need to focus on Meghan and the baby.”

My mouth opens and then closes because it still isn’t computing. “What does that have to do with me? I’m your friend, Derek. You promised.” I choke on the word as a tear falls. “You promised you’d be here for me. You said you wouldn’t let me be alone after everything with Keith!”

He’s silent. If it weren’t for the sound of his breathing, I would think he’d hung up.

“You have nothing to say?” I ask.

“No.”

“No? After all these years? After everything we’ve been through, you offer me no fucking explanations?”

His voice is angry when he responds. “What do you want? I’m doing what’s best for my marriage!”

My heart aches because I did what was best for his marriage too. I stood there a few weeks ago, watching him marry her, and didn’t say a word. I hugged her, told her I was so happy for her when I wanted to tear my own heart out because it was dead anyway.

For him, I did that.

Now, he doesn’t want to speak to me anymore?

“What happened?” I ask.

“Nothing happened, Teagan.”

“You have never lied to me.” My voice is filled with hurt. “We’ve always told each other the truth, tell me so I can fix it. We can find a way but I can’t lose you. Please…”

“We can’t,” he says and the crack in his voice tells me he’s crying.

“So this is it? No real explanation? Just, we can’t be friends…it’s not me, it’s you?”

I feel like I’m going to throw up. My stomach turns again, pain radiating from the front to my back as I wait for his answers.

“This is the way it has to be. If you were married to Keith and he told—you realized what it was doing to him, you can’t say—”