After Hours (InterMix)(107)

A different nurse had come on duty. She looked to Kelly and me as we approached the desk.

“There’s a little boy named Jack, with a flu? Can we visit him?”

She checked something on a ledger. “Are you family?”

“I’m his aunt,” I said, then blurted, “and this is my fiancé,” grasping Kelly’s arm. If there was ever a time I could admit I wanted a sturdy male presence at my side, now was it.

“Are you both well?”

We nodded.

“He’s been moved to the ICU. You can visit, but only for a couple minutes. Follow the staff’s instructions, and don’t touch him. And please don’t panic if he doesn’t respond.”

That nearly got me bawling all over again, but Kelly put his hand on my back and gently ushered me to follow in the nurse’s wake. She passed us off to a male nurse, who had us pull paper booties over our shoes and don face masks, and scrub our hands with antibacterial soap before he let us in the unit.

The ICU was bright and stark, which might’ve upset some people, but it imbued the situation with a no-nonsense sterility I found comforting. There were scrub-clad bodies everywhere, checking this monitor and that. The nurse needn’t have told us not to touch Jack—he was lying inside a kind of toddler-sized incubator, nested in a tangle of tubes. His skin looked so red against the white pillow, and too tight, from the swelling.

“Oh my God,” I murmured through the mask, pressing my knuckles to my cheeks to keep my hands from trembling.

Kelly rubbed my back. “They know what they’re doing.”

Did they? How could he know that? I felt panic coming on, but then Jack’s blue eyes opened, and a rush of hope swept the fear aside.

I turned to the male nurse. “Where’s my sister?”

“She’s talking with Dr. Chandra,” he said, scanning Jack’s vitals.

I leaned as close as I dared. I hoped I wasn’t scaring Jack, some crying, red-faced creature half hidden by the mask. “Hi, buddy.”

He just blinked at me, looking stoned.

“Hi, Jack.” I waved, fresh tears rising. “You be strong now, sweetheart. We all love you so much.”

Kelly’s hand slid all the way down my back and enveloped my clammy fingers.

“You remember my friend Kelly, from the other week?”

“I got a blue truck, just like you,” Kelly offered.

I don’t know why, but that just wrecked me. I started crying so hard I knew no toddler could find my presence comforting, and Kelly followed my lead as I waved good-bye and headed for the door. We emerged in the hallway still holding hands. He seemed to notice right as I did, and let mine go with a final squeeze. We stripped our masks and booties.

“You okay?”

I shook my head. Like Amber, I wouldn’t be okay until I heard that little boy laugh again, and looked in those eyes and could see he was the same Jack as always, all there, all fixed.

“He looks strong to me,” Kelly said.

I nodded. If only he were as strong as the man standing before me, so big and tough and fearless, nothing could ever hurt him.

Though was I really so right, thinking Kelly couldn’t be hurt? Surely I’d hurt him myself, picking the lock on his closet door, rattling his skeletons.

He sighed, sounding a hundred years old, and leaned against the wall. He rubbed his face, and I rubbed his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“I can’t f*cking stand feeling this way.”

And I realized I knew him well enough that I didn’t need clarification. I knew exactly what he meant because it was the same thing eating away at my own insides, this sickening helplessness. Having to accept that all the things you rely on to feel worthy and strong . . . none of them could do jack-shit to fix this situation. You had to just turn a child’s fate over to strangers and pray your trust wasn’t misplaced. All the time in the world to sit back and accept how useless you felt.

I stepped close and forced a bear hug on Kelly. He accepted it, stroking my back. Though I wasn’t turned-on in any way, I’d never wanted to kiss him so badly. Out of gratitude or recognition. Just to feel something good amid all this fear and uncertainty. But our time for kissing had passed, so I just held on, breathing with him for a long moment before stepping back. I checked my phone.

“It’s after two. You should go home, try to get some sleep before work.”

I saw him resist for a breath, then surrender. “You need anything?”