After Hours (InterMix)(106)

She snuffled loudly and looked up, face pink, eyes red.

“Have they said . . .” I began, gagging on the words. “Did they give you any sense of how he’s doing?”

“They said he’s stabilizing.”

My heart soared. “Did they?”

“And they got his fever down some more, to one-oh-three. They wouldn’t say anything for sure, except that his temperature was better and they’re going to do something, something to do with his liver. But they can’t say if . . . They don’t know exactly how he’ll be. After.”

I nodded. “But he’s going to . . .” I couldn’t say it any more than she could. Couldn’t say live or die or bear to hear those cold, black-and-white words in relation to my favorite child in the entire world.

“They wouldn’t say for sure, but I think if they were allowed to, they’d say he was going to . . . you know. He’ll be okay.” Amber’s chin quivered as she turned to Kelly. “It’s real nice of you to come. His daddy didn’t even show.”

Hate flickered through Kelly’s eyes for just a second, then he got ahold of himself. “That’s a shame.”

“I know it is. And I always knew he was a loser, but I never thought he . . . That he’s this much of a coward. Child support’s one thing, but I mean, f*ck the checks. He coulda kept every dime and I’d probably wind up forgiving him, if he’d just been here when Jack needs him.”

“No offense, but your boyfriend’s just a kid himself. I met him for about five minutes and I can tell you that.”

She nodded, miserable. “I know he is.” After a pause she asked him, “How old are you?”

“Thirty-eight.”

“Damn, that’s old.” She started laugh-crying then, and Kelly cracked a smile. “But maybe I ought to look for a guy closer to your age, someday. Somebody who’s got it together.” She sniffled. “You make Erin happy, anyhow, and that’s not easy.”

I looked away, and Kelly must have felt as I did, that now was not the time to tell her we weren’t a thing anymore. Let the girl think something in this world was dependable. Functional.

“I have to get back inside. They told me I might be able to see him after the liver thing. I don’t want to miss it.”

“We’ll be in soon,” I told her, not quite ready to resume all that horrid waiting.

Kelly swiveled and bent, fishing my pop bottle from behind the bench.

I accepted it with a sheepish smile. “Thanks.”

We sat in silence for a while. I let the positive update settle over me, loosening those old corset strings, one lace at a time until I could take a deep breath. Kelly just sat with his eyes on the city’s lights, bent forward with his elbows on his thighs. I watched his back swell and fall, swell and fall.

My phone buzzed and I scanned the text in a heartbeat. “They’re letting her in to see Jack.”

He put a hand to my shoulder before I could stand. “Give her a couple minutes, just her and him.”

“She needs me.”

“She’s a mom. She’ll be okay.”

I pursed my lips, but he was right. Maybe it was just that I needed my own protective role right now. I wanted to trick myself into believing I felt strong, as much as I wanted to trick Amber into believing it. Maybe it was time she was strong on her own, if only for a few minutes.

I sank back against the bench, my pop opening with a mighty hiss, agitated from its fall. Kelly grabbed it before it could erupt all over my lap, holding it over the concrete until the fizz died again. I took it back and he licked the spoils off his fingers.

“It’s hard to let go,” I said softly. “I was trusted with her since I was like, eight. Whether I wanted that gig or not. If I’m not there when she needs me, I’m like . . .” I trailed off, choked by a tearless sob.

“Like nothing,” Kelly said quietly. “I know.”

“Is this how you feel, when something’s beyond your control? Like that night Don tried to kill himself?”

Kelly shook his head, looking sad. “Nah. When that happens, I don’t feel anything.”

“That sounds nice.”

“It’s not,” he said quietly. “It’s a f*cking cop-out.”

We were quiet for a minute or two. I drained my bottle, and we headed back inside and down the halls to the pediatric ER’s waiting room.