After Anna(12)

‘And to make a long story short, what happened was that one day I just felt in such despair and I thought I was such a terrible mother that you would be better off without me.’ Maggie fell silent as a busboy came over, poured two glasses of water, then left. ‘I heard voices saying “let her go, just let her go.” And that voice came to me one night, when I was alone, standing on our deck in the backyard. You were in my arms, crying. You had colic. I was at the rail.’ Maggie felt her heart begin to pound, going back to that evening. ‘And the neighbor saw me, she called to me and I didn’t hear her, I was in some kind of a trance. I was fighting with the voice, and the voice was telling me to let you go, to drop you. But there was still a healthy part of me that knew that I loved you and could never hurt you, and I knew that the voice was an illness that I had. A mental illness.’

Anna’s eyes widened as she listened, though she said nothing.

‘Before I knew it, the neighbor was standing next to me and I said, “please take this baby, she’ll be better off without me.” ’ Maggie felt tears come to her eyes, but she blinked them away. ‘And I told her to call the police and have them come get me. I knew I needed professional help. I committed myself that very night.’

‘Is this true?’ Anna tilted her head, skeptical.

‘Absolutely.’

‘Where was Dad, that night?’

‘He was working on his app, coding around the clock, when he wasn’t at school. He hadn’t sold it yet.’ Maggie didn’t add that Florian was never around, ever. It was as if she and the baby didn’t exist. She used to wonder why he’d married her, until she knew. He’d dumped her as soon as he got his graduate degree. He’d looked gleeful in the pictures.

‘Can you, like, prove what you’re saying is true? About the postpartum psychosis?’

‘Yes.’ Maggie hid her dismay. It was obvious Anna didn’t believe her, for some reason. ‘I had extensive treatment, inpatient, and then outpatient therapy and meds. And finally it resolved. It took almost a year.’

‘And is that why you abused me? Why you hit me?’

Maggie gasped, shocked. ‘What? No, never. I never abused you.’

‘You never hit me? You never beat me?’ Anna’s eyes widened, an incredulous blue.

‘No, never!’ Maggie recoiled. ‘What makes you say that?’

‘Dad said you used to beat me. He said that’s why you lost custody. The judge said you were unfit because you abused me.’

‘That’s not true!’ Maggie shot back, appalled. She’d assumed that Florian would have told Anna that she was crazy, but this was far worse. This was a total lie. ‘Anna, your dad really told you that?’

‘Yes.’

‘It’s not true.’

‘Why would he lie?’ Anna’s eyes narrowed.

‘I don’t know. To win some power struggle?’ Maggie knew Florian. He always had to win. It was about ego and vanity. ‘Did he even mention the postpartum psychosis?’

‘No, this is the first I heard of it.’

‘Honestly, I was found unfit, but it wasn’t because I hit you. I never hit or abused you. I was ill, but I swear I never hurt you. I needed help, but I never physically hurt you or even neglected you.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes, really, I have court papers and medical files, too.’ Maggie felt panicky to defend herself. She couldn’t bear to have Anna think she’d been abused, not for another minute. ‘The custody papers show I was treated for postpartum psychosis. There were no allegations of any physical abuse, not even a single one! I didn’t –’

‘Could I see those papers?’

‘Of course! I could have them emailed to you, if you want. Anna, I never hurt you. I loved you.’

‘Do you swear?’ Anna bit her lip, uncertain.

‘Anna, yes, I swear. I loved you from the day you were born and I love you still.’ Maggie touched her hand. ‘I’m very, very sorry that I wasn’t with you, that you grew up without me, but I swear to you, I tried. I can show you how hard I fought for you in court. You sent me that letter, remember? You said you didn’t want me in your life.’

‘Yes, but that was because you hit me. Dad told me you hit me.’

‘But I didn’t. Ever. I only wanted to be in your life, to be your mother. Your mom. I promise you that, Anna.’

Suddenly the waiter materialized with a tray bearing the salads. ‘Chow time!’ he said brightly.





Chapter Nine


Noah, After

TRIAL, DAY 6

Noah watched as Thomas called their witness to the stand, hoping that he could help the defense, which badly needed it. Thomas had told Noah to keep the faith, but it was almost impossible. Still he held his head high as the witness was sworn in and sat down, adjusting the black microphone.

‘Please, state your name and address for the record,’ Thomas said, from in front of the witness box.

‘My name is Richard Weissberg and I live at 474 Marlin Road, in Haverford, Pennsylvania.’

‘Mr Weissberg, do you know Dr Alderman?’

‘No.’

Noah had never met Weissberg, who was of average height and build, with horn-rimmed frames that looked bookish on his round, friendly face, framed by dark brown hair cut in layers. He had on a dark wool suit and a silk tie, and Noah felt encouraged that Weissberg made a nice, reliable appearance on the stand.