After Anna(11)

Maggie grabbed her down coat, left the inn, and hurried down Main Street, adjusting to the cold. She passed the Maine Savings Bank, and its digital sign read 6:15 P.M. and 39°. The waning sun cut through the crisp air, and traffic moved at a civilized pace through the charming town of Congreve. The sidewalk bustled with young people and families going to upscale boutiques, funky restaurants and coffee shops, and an independent bookstore.

Maggie’s step quickened. She craned her neck to see if Anna was coming the other way. She wondered if she would recognize her, but she knew she would. She felt her heart hammering, and her mouth went dry. Suddenly she spotted a young girl hurrying down the street toward her, and her heart knew her on sight.

‘Anna!’ Maggie found herself running to her daughter, arms outstretched.

‘Mom!’ Anna’s eyes lit up, and she smiled, causing both dimples to pop, which melted Maggie’s heart.

‘Honey!’ Maggie reached Anna, scooped her up, and held her close, squeezing her like she’d never let her go. ‘It’s so good to see you!’

‘You, too, hi.’ Anna chuckled, uncomfortably, and Maggie held her away to look at her, trying not to cry or snot up.

‘Look at you! You’re so pretty, you’re gorgeous!’

‘Ha!’ Anna shrugged it off, with a giggle.

‘Yes, you’re lovely! God, look at you!’ Maggie squeezed Anna’s shoulders, blinking wetness from her eyes as she took in her daughter with a loving gaze. Anna truly had grown into a lovely young woman, her blue eyes large with thick eyebrows, like Florian’s. Her nose was perfect, and her cheeks were prominent, like Maggie’s, and her mouth curved into a broad smile. Light brown hair flowed to her shoulders, and the sun brought out her reddish highlights.

Anna chuckled. ‘You’re just going to look at me?’

‘Exactly!’ Maggie burst into laughter, feeling the warm rush of a happy memory, out of nowhere. ‘I remember combing that hair with a baby brush and clipping it with a pink plastic barrette! A bunny!’

‘Aw.’

‘It didn’t hold much hair, but it was cute.’ Maggie laughed with joy. She was here, with Anna. It was too much. She wiped her eyes with her coat sleeve. ‘Sorry, I’ll get it together soon.’

‘It’s okay.’ Anna’s eyes shone sweetly. ‘It’s nice.’

‘Thanks, well, it can’t be helped. It’s the Italian part.’ Maggie wiped her eyes and got her emotions in control. She didn’t think she would ever stop smiling. She felt great, whole again, thrilled to the marrow. Anna seemed pleased, if subdued, by contrast, but Maggie had expected that. Anna really was beautiful and tall, maybe five-eight, which she’d gotten from Florian’s side of the family. She had on a black down coat with an oversized Coach purse and a cobalt-blue totebag, with a CA for Congreve Academy.

‘We should go inside. This place fills up fast.’ Anna turned away, opened the door of the restaurant, and made a beeline for an empty table by the window, with Maggie behind her, composing herself. They reached the table, and Maggie took her purse off her shoulder.

‘This place looks great,’ Maggie said, looking around, getting her bearings.

‘It’s good.’ Anna shed her belongings, bunching her coat behind the chair, and sat down.

‘This is just wonderful!’ Maggie sat down opposite her, finally settling.

‘Thank you for coming.’

‘I was thrilled to, obviously.’ Maggie wiped her eyes with a cloth napkin. She needed a sip of water but there wasn’t any.

‘I’m glad you did.’

‘No, really, it was very brave of you, emotionally brave, to ask me!’

‘Not really.’ Anna pursed her lips, growing serious. Her smooth brow furrowed. ‘It’s just that I have so many questions, you know, about what happened with you. And why it happened, when I was little. I would really like to hear it from you.’

‘Of course.’ Maggie felt newly nervous, skipping the small talk.

‘That’s why it’s hard to, like, throw myself into your arms.’

‘Sure, right.’

‘I mean, there are questions.’

‘Right, yes, totally.’ Maggie nodded, sniffling. She had to get a grip. ‘And I want to explain everything.’

‘Good.’

The waiter came over, an older man. He looked down at them with a professional smile. ‘Would you ladies like tap or sparkling?’

‘Tap is fine, please,’ Anna answered, looking up. ‘And I’d like a Greek salad.’

‘Me, too,’ Maggie said, to get rid of the waiter.

‘You ladies are easy. I’ll be right back.’

Maggie waited until he was gone, tense. ‘Well, I guess I’ll begin at the beginning. I was so happy when you were born, I really wanted a baby girl and I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. But fairly quickly, I developed postpartum psychosis. Have you heard of it?’

Anna frowned slightly. ‘I’ve heard of postpartum depression. Is it the same thing?’

‘No, postpartum psychosis is less common, and I didn’t know what it was, either. Before I go on, I want you to understand this is not a reflection on you, because you deserved all the love in the world, and I did love you very much.’ Maggie had been about to say and I still do, but stopped herself. It was too much too soon for Anna, and Maggie didn’t know if she could explain to such a young person what it felt like to be a mother, how it was something that never left you, even if you lost your baby.