A Vow So Bold and Deadly (Cursebreakers, #3)(93)

“Iisak is flying reconnaissance, but we were taken by surprise before. Does Rhen have soldiers surrounding the castle?”

“I don’t know.”

He looks down at me, and his eyes are dark and shadowed. “You agreed to act as advisor.”

His tone says he’s not taking my crap. Maybe that works on his soldier buddies, but I just want to give him the finger. I stare into the fire. “Well, this advisor has no idea. There wasn’t an army there when Lilith or whatever it was chased me off the grounds. She killed all—all the—” I think of Zo and Freya and my chest tightens. “She killed everyone. He could be there all by himself. He could have the entire army surrounding the castle. I don’t know.”

He says nothing.

I say nothing.

I have to think of something other than Rhen being left alone with Lilith for days, because my imagination is conjuring so many awful things that could easily be true. But everything here is a glaring reminder of all the ways we’ve failed.

Eventually Grey sighs, and I expect him to turn away and storm off.

Instead, he sits down beside me.

I feign a gasp. “What will people say?”

“Quite a bit, I’m sure.” He’s quiet for a while, and I’m not sure how to fill the silence, so I don’t. Finally, he says, “I suspect you did think you would find Commander Grey here. That I would rush to Rhen’s aid.”

“No.” My voice sounds hollow. Maybe he’s right. I don’t know. “I thought I’d find my friend. I thought I’d find Rhen’s brother.” I’ve run out of tears, so I stare at the fire and breathe. “I had no choice.”

“Choice.” He scoffs. “We always have a choice.”

“You’re right,” I say. “You had a choice all those years you were kidnapping girls for him.”

“Yes. I did. I chose the path that would lead to a way out of the curse. I swore my life to him, and I meant the oath I gave.”

“Until now.”

That shuts him up. He sighs again.

“I know what you said about your soldiers,” I say quietly. “How this can’t be a mission to rescue him. How you want to see if he was serious about peace.” I pause. “But what do you want, Grey? Do you want Rhen as your brother? Or is this just a way to take advantage again?”

“Again!” He whips his head around. “When have I taken advantage?”

“When you first went to Syhl Shallow. When you declared war. You knew he was broken and hurting. You knew he was still dealing with everything Lilith did to him.”

“I did not take advantage.” His voice is tight. “His enforcers were slaughtering his people to get to me. He tried to kill Tycho. His guards would have leveled Blind Hollow. He would have—”

“He would have listened to you, Grey.” I pause. “If you’d told him the truth. From the beginning.”

He looks at me. “Do you really think so?”

I want to say yes.

But I’m not sure.

I stare into the fire. “Before … Lilith … we had this big conversation about how we forgot that the other person knew how to make good decisions. For him, the big one was what he did to you and Tycho. For me, it was choosing to rescue you.”

He makes an aggravated sound. “You and Rhen are drawn to such extremes—of heroism, of generosity, of rescue, Harper—yet you both seem determined to accomplish these feats without assistance, without even the consideration of how your acts will be viewed by those around you.”

He says this like it’s nothing, like he’s telling me grass is green, but I stare at him gape-mouthed. “What?”

He glances at me. “I’ve begun to wonder if the curse would have dragged on for so long if Rhen had just explained his predicament to each girl. If he had sought an ally instead of creating adversaries that he had to woo and charm.” He pauses. “And you yourself ran from the castle—from me, from Rhen himself—many times. Even when you were no longer running in fear, you were taking actions without a care for how that would affect his people—for how it would affect him.”

I can’t stop staring at him. Grey was always stoic and thoughtful, but he’s found a voice in Syhl Shallow, and he’s clearly not afraid to use it.

“You fled to Syhl Shallow for my help,” he continues, “without a moment’s consideration for my position, for what your request would mean to a country that offered me sanctuary—sanctuary, Harper!—after Rhen had attacked their soldiers, destroyed half their army, and imprisoned their queen when she sought an alliance.”

I swallow. He’s right. I didn’t consider any of that.

I think of my conversation with Rhen, about bad decisions that feel right in the moment you’re making them. I think of how he teased me for trying to handle situations on my own, for refusing assistance. I think of how Jake said I reminded him of Mom, how I’ve worried all this time that I was staying with a man for the wrong reasons.

Maybe I’ve been like my father, too. He wasn’t trying to make poor decisions. Neither am I. I just want to help people.

Just like Dad wanted to help our family.

The thought is jarring, and I have to put a hand to my chest—but then I straighten my shoulders.