A Soldier's Salvation (Highland Heartbeats Book 7)(57)

The fool.

His foolishness was about to kill him.

And yet he looked somewhat at peace as Sarah guided a cup to his lips. Rodric sat on one side of the bed, facing Caitlin, and he turned his head away from the sight with his face contorted in a grimace she could not make sense of. Why did he appear so pained by what was going on before him?

Padraig stood at the foot of the bed, his head bowed. He’d done what he could with the men downstairs, placating them with food and drink, answering what questions he could with authority in his voice. She admired his courage and level head, neither of which she was certain she’d exhibit in such a situation.

Alan patted Sarah’s hand with a tenderness Caitlin never knew he possessed. He was a changed man—or perhaps pain and the knowledge of his impending death had stripped him of everything which had once made him insufferable.

“I thank ye,” he breathed.

Sarah nodded, smiling softly. “It won’t be much longer now.”

“I cannot believe I’m bearing witness to this,” Padraig whispered.

Caitlin noticed for the first time that his fists were clenched at his sides.

“It is for the best,” Sarah murmured. “He has already suffered much and would continue to suffer. Now, he’ll sleep until the time comes. He’ll feel no pain.”

“Padraig.” Alan stared at his younger brother. “I want it this way.”

“You always have to have your way, do you not?” There was no lightness in Padraig’s question—almost accusation, more like.

“Aye, and I know what you’re thinking,” Alan muttered, grimacing when he shifted slightly.

A spreading patch of reddish-brown ooze on the linen sheet caught Caitlin’s eye, turning her stomach.

“Because I had to have my way, I’m in this position. Like as not you’re right. Too late to do much about it now.”

He closed his eyes, taking as deep a breath as he could. “I see it all. Everything. I was cruel to you, Padraig, and I’m sorry for it. I hope you’ll not remember me uncharitably. I hope you’ll forgive me.”

“You’re forgiven,” Padraig murmured as a tear dripped from his chin.

Caitlin wanted to look away, suddenly uncomfortable at witnessing such a show of emotion.

Still, she remained.

“And you,” Alan grunted, turning his attention to Rodric.

Rodric who sat as still as stone, his face unreadable once Alan had finished the drink Sarah prepared. He met his brother’s gaze.

“The clan will be yours now.”

“I never wanted it.”

“I know. I always wished you did,” Alan snorted. “It would’ve been much sweeter if I’d taken something you wanted.”

Caitlin’s heart seized. So he admitted it. Was this what people did when given the chance? Did they unburden themselves so?

She held her breath, waiting for Rodric’s reply.

“Aye,” he breathed, a smirk touching the corners of his mouth. “So you kept trying, did ye?”

“I did.” Alan winced—was it pain or guilt? “I did, and it was wrong of me. Why didn’t I see it when there was something for me to do about it? It’s haunted me the entirety of my time in this bed, making it damned impossible for me to sleep. I canna stop thinking.”

“It’s in the past now,” Rodric offered, taking Alan’s hand.

“Aye, it will be for you—and for the lass.”

Her? Caitlin held her breath. He was talking about her! Admitting why he’d wanted to marry her! She leaned against the wall for support, her chest suddenly tight, tears threatening to choke her.

“Tell her for me…” Alan took a breath, smiling slightly. “…it doesn’t hurt, oh, thank you… Tell her… I’m sorry…”

“I will,” Rodric promised.

“And I’m sorry to you,” Alan added, squeezing Rodric’s hand.

“I know. You’re forgiven.”

Alan’s smile grew. He was at peace, at last. For the first time in his life, he was at peace. His eyes closed, his breathing slowed.

Sarah touched his chest, the side of his neck. “He’s sleeping,” she whispered. “It won’t be much longer before his body can take no more. Before dawn, I would imagine.”

Rodric rose, placing his hand on the top of his brother’s head. “Sleep well, then, brother,” he said in a tight voice.

The way he held himself, the tension in his arms and shoulders, spoke of how he fought to keep himself together.

Caitlin backed away from the door, not uncertain as to what he’d do. There was so much tenderness and affection in the way he spoke, in the way he touched his brother’s head. So much love there which had never found expression before.

What would that love do to the love he claimed to feel for her?

Even the thought of being without a clan to protect her was nothing compared to the stark, cold, lonely expanse of nothingness which came to mind when she imagined being without Rodric.





27





Rodric couldn’t believe it. It couldn’t be real. And yet, he knew it was.

Sarah washed her hands again, shaking her head. “I’m sorry,” she said again with a sigh. “I wish there was more to be done for him. I’d like the chance to speak with the healer who treated him. Perhaps they can be instructed against allowing something such as this to happen again.”