A Nordic King(59)

“Ah, of course. But it was probably nice to have time off, no? You work so hard. Plus, the weather had to be warmer than in Denmark.”

“The weather was nice and I did get to read a couple of books,” I admit.

But the truth is, I didn’t even want to go. I did need a break so when Aksel suggested I go somewhere, I didn’t argue too much with him, even though I was hurt he even suggested it. I know I shouldn’t have been hurt, but I was. I can’t help how I feel anymore, just like I can’t stop my own heart from beating.

I was lonely. The entire week I was gone, I wasn’t resting, I was just lonely. I missed the girls like they were my own. I missed Maja’s stoic disposition. I missed getting rides from Henrik and coffee from Karla. I even missed walking through snow and sliding on my ass as I navigated the streets of Copenhagen.

Most of all, I missed Aksel. I missed him with some force and energy I’ve never felt before. It was a scooped out hollow feeling right in the middle of me. I ached for him, every second of the day, like I was nursing a wound that just wouldn’t heal.

It’s honestly made me so angry at myself. For getting carried away, for letting my feelings build and build, without anything solid to stand on. Now they’re off and running and I have no choice but to go along for the ride.

I’m crazy. It’s crazy. I’m the nanny, he’s the King, and even though I tell myself this over and over again like a broken record, it does nothing to stop it. I throw words and logic at my heart and it deflects them every time.

I love him and it’s killing me that I can’t have him.

It’s killing me that he sent me away, even if it was out of the goodness of his heart.

It’s killing me that I swear he wants me too, but neither of us are brave enough to act upon it.

Because that’s what it would take. Love requires bravery and I don’t have any sort of back-up plan, no way to protect myself from the blows. If anything were to happen between us, I would be his immediately and there would be no coming back from it. If it ended badly, I’d be out of a job and then I’d really know what it’s like to have a family and lose them.

There’s just no happily ever after in this situation. I’m the help. I’m nothing. He’s a handsome king who was married to a gorgeous queen whom everyone in the world loved. They had two amazing daughters together, daughters I help take care of … as the nanny.

There’s no way in the world any of this could ever work, even if he felt the same way, even if the stars aligned.

It’s fucking doomed.

“Aurora,” Amelie says. “Are you alright?”

I exhale noisily through my nose, wishing the sharp, acute pain in my chest would dissipate but it hasn’t since I got back. “I’m … fine.”

“You aren’t though. See, that’s why I call. Because then I know. Alors, tell me what’s wrong. He is back to being King Asshole, oui?”

“No, not at all,” I admit. Because Aksel has been anything but. He’s become my friend but he’s also become more than a friend. I know he sees me as something more, but I don’t know if it will ever evolve, if he’ll ever let it.

Hell, maybe all I’m picking up on is the fact that he wants to fuck me. I know that much at this point. I see him staring at me, I feel his eyes on my lips, my breasts, my legs. I know there’s something hot and raw burning in his gaze, no matter how hard he tries to slip that mask back on. I know I see it growing each day, the way he touches me, more and more, like he just can’t help it.

“Then the girls, they are good? And the woman, Maja?” Amelie goes on and I hear her puffing on her cigarette.

“Everything is fine. Really. I’m just … lonely. That trip was a slap in the face.”

“Aw. I understand now. You need a boyfriend.”

“I need to get laid at the very least.”

“So go outside and find someone.”

I let out a dry laugh. “I can’t just go outside. And it’s not like there’s a bunch of hot Danish men stacked out there like firewood, to use when needed.”

“Listen,” she says through a huff of smoke. “I’m coming to see you. End of March. Tell your handsome boss. We’re going to get you laid.”

“I don’t think I should tell my handsome boss that.”

“Tell him I’m coming to visit, d’accord?”

“We’ll see. I better go to bed,” I tell her. I’m half-asleep as it is. Traveling all day yesterday took it out of me.

“Fine. But you better call me soon.” She hangs up.

I throw my phone across the bed and curl up on my side. Funny how heartache and yearning makes your body go into the fetal position, like you’re in pain and trying to get through it.

And yet that’s what this is.

I want him.

I can’t have him.

I am in pain.

And I don’t know how I’ll ever get through it.



*

At least the girls are happy I’m back from my trip. They’ve been clinging to me all day long, afraid to let me out of their sight. Even Maja is glad, though probably more relieved than anything. She looks a bit worn out and I don’t blame her.

Aksel has gone back into his default mode, which is to be distant. He was warm and welcoming when he first saw me yesterday, but there was still this wariness to him, like he had to watch how he acted and what he said. Then he disappeared and I still haven’t seen him.