A Life More Complete(127)
The year wasn’t only hard because of my return to work but because of my divorce. My divorce from Tyler was made final just one month following Page’s first birthday. I stood in court alone even though Ben insisted he join me. I needed to go it alone, but when I reviewed the amended divorce decree and under the section labeled Legal Minor Child, Tyler had checked the box that said “Wavier of Parental Rights”. I leaned over and threw up in the wastebasket that sat next to the small round table I was sitting at with my lawyer. I didn’t understand how he could hate her. He didn’t even know her. I signed the paperwork; the judge stamped it and that was the end. He was out of our lives for good. Part of me always thought he would come to his senses, maybe grow up enough to realize what he was missing out on, but it obviously never happened.
I crossed paths with him once when Page was about three years old. We were rushing through downtown Los Angeles, on the way to a music class I had signed her up for. I parked in a parking garage a few blocks from the storefront that housed the music class, which I had forgotten was also the street where Tyler’s office was still located. Tossing her in the stroller, I walked quickly out onto the sidewalk, my hair whipped into a messy pile on the top of my head, a headband holding back the loose strands. I was wearing a pair of cut-offs and a fitted tank stretched across my pregnant belly as I nearly ran him down with the stroller. I remember apologizing, but after taking in his face I brushed past without a second look. He was dressed in a suit and had a cigarette hanging from the right side of his mouth. He never looked down at the little girl in the stroller and I’m not sure how I would’ve responded if he had. I didn’t give him a chance to speak nor do I think he would have. He should’ve been embarrassed by his easy out, but knowing Tyler he saw it as a strategic move. Trini bailed on him shortly after I filed for divorce, leaving him heart broken and devastated according to the tabloids. I found that hard to believe because he’s incapable of feeling.
I married Ben when Page was two and we went on to have three boys. Our life was crazy, but I was crazy in love with him. I quit my job shortly after Page turned two and went to work for Ben. His company was now my company, which would become our children’s one day. Looking back on it now, as cliché as it sounds, I wouldn’t change a thing knowing this is where I ended up. Everyone says I should hate Tyler, but I don’t. I got the best thing from him—Page. I know one day there will come a time when she’ll ask about him and I want to be able to tell her that I loved him. That she was conceived out of love and was never a mistake or an accident in my eyes. And that she has a father who loves her more than his other three children, something he’ll never admit to, but everyone knows is true. I don’t want either of them hurt in this process of self-discovery that will one day take place. I never hid it from Page that Ben adopted her, but I also wasn’t entirely forthcoming with the information I shared. My heart aches for her and for what is to come in the future. It may be premature for me to worry about what may come, but I’m a mother and that’s what I do. Until then, I have to have faith that I made the right choice. I chose to love deeply. I chose to follow those words that somehow failed me in the past. Love makes a family.
Acknowledgements:
I owe a world of thank you to more people in my life than I ever have before.
First, thank you to Mick Bockstruck, my amazingly talented graphic designer. (www.bockstruck.net) Without your patience and talent, my cover would have never been as beautiful. It’s perfect! Have I told you how much I love it? Well, I do!
Next, Natasha, (www.natashaisabookjunkie.com) one of the few people who believed in me without giving it a second thought. Thank you for taking a chance on me, loving my book as much as I do and for promoting it like your life depended on it. I owe you more than you’ll ever know. But the best part, you’ve become an awesome friend. I can’t imagine my life without you.
Julie, thank you for being the best beta reader around. I’m so glad you spent four years in college only to find yourself unemployed and living with your parents. The time and effort you devoted to helping me is unmatched. Love you, darling!
Aunt Jill, you were with me from the beginning and you encouraged me like no one else. Thank you so much for reading my book many times over, for correcting my mistakes and for just listening to me when I needed it. Your wisdom never ceases to amaze me. Love you!
Natalie, thank you for coming along and reassuring me that I wasn’t crazy. You showed up just when I needed a friend who understood the stress of writing and self-publishing a book. It’s easy to forget not to take things personally, but you remind me not to, daily. I reckon you’re pretty great.