A Life More Complete(125)
“You ready to do this?” Gia asks.
“Absolutely,” I say. There is not a trace of nervousness in my voice. “I called everyone, including Tyler. He didn’t answer, but no else did either. It is still the middle of the night in Cali.” I smile at Gia and her eyes fill with tears. “Don’t cry Gi, you’ll make me cry.”
“Sorry, sorry. This is just so bittersweet. I’m so excited for you, but I know it’s going to be really hard.”
“I’ll make do. Don’t worry,” I say not only reassuring her, but myself, too.
Around the three hour mark my contractions are at that take-a gun-and-shoot-me stage. No epidural equals blinding pain. Along with the pain comes panic. I’m alone. No husband, no place to call home at this moment. I don’t belong here. What the hell was I thinking leaving?
“Did you call him?” I ask Gia for the third time in an hour.
“Yes,” she practically shouts. “I told you it went straight to voicemail. I’m not calling him again so don’t ask.”
“Fine! Oh God, another big one!” I grab Gia’s hand and squeeze. The moment passes but it’s replaced with the need to vomit. Gia grabs the container the nurse left and I purge everything I ate that morning.
Five hours and twenty-five minutes later Page Olive Mullins is born. She is beautiful and Gia can’t agree more. We cry, we laugh and even though it is bittersweet like Gia said, I know from this day forward I will love Page more than anything else in my life.
I’m moved from Labor and Delivery to the room I will call home for the next two days. Gia joins me and even offers to sleep at the hospital. I tell her to go home and come back in the morning. She helps me nurse Page for the first time and stays until she’s had several feedings. Just before she leaves, Gia hands me my phone and a freshly changed Page.
“I’ll be back in the morning. Call me if you need anything.”
“Okay. Thank you.” I give her a quick kiss on the cheek and she leans down and kisses Page’s head. She doesn’t even stir. Bundled in my arms, all cozy and warm, I don’t ever want to put her down.
I check my phone and find a few voicemails wishing me congratulations. A ton of texts from my sisters, Melinda and Bob commenting on the pictures I sent them, but nothing from him. Saddened, but not defeated, I snuggle up to Page and fall asleep. A few hours later a crabby nurse comes in and snatches her from my arms. She hauls Page off to the nursery for a weight check and some blood work. Exhaustion takes over and I’m out like a light.
When I roll over and glance out the window, night has taken over. It’s well past midnight. I panic when I realize Page isn’t in her little plastic bassinet situated at the foot of my bed. I shoot up and find him sitting in a chair in the corner of the room with Page in his arms.
The tears fall rapidly and I can hardly speak. “I didn’t think you’d come.”
“You called. I’m sorry it took me so long. I really wanted to be here for her birth, but the plane had a different agenda.” He looks down at Page and back at me. “She’s beautiful. She looks just like you.” A smile spreads across his face.
“You think so?”
“She certainly doesn’t look like me.” He pulls off her little white hat and runs his fingers over her dark hair. “I’m sure this will all fall out.”
All I can do is smile at him. The tears are still falling and my emotions get the best of me. “I love you. I’ve always loved you. I screwed up so bad and now I don’t even know what I’m doing.”
“It kills me to see you like this. You’re hurting. My biggest regret is losing you. I’m sorry for walking away when I should have tried harder.”
His words cause my tears to become sobs. I want him back because right now I just want to be loved. “I regret the way it ended more than anything.”
“I love her name,” he says winking at me. “And I love you.”
I chose Page, spelled like a page in a book because I need a do-over, a blank page, so to speak. Her middle name, Olive has too many reasons to count. Rachel’s love of martini’s and Maizey’s favorite kind of pizza, but mostly because it’s an anagram for love and a nickname for Olivia.
“Her name is perfect. She’s perfect,” he says as he leans down and kisses me.
---Epilogue---
That first year with Page was the hardest year of my life. I was forced back to work long before I was ready. I sobbed my eyes out from the minute I closed the car door. I understand that many people would have given their right arm to be in my shoes, but it still didn’t make it any easier. I hired a nanny, a manny, actually. A friend of Bob’s named Will who, like Bob, was totally gay in addition to being the greatest caregiver since Mary Poppins. Still didn’t make the task of returning to work any less daunting. I had the financial stability my job afforded me to keep Page home and happy. Regardless of the cost, I would have gone into the poor house to make sure she had the best care.