A Life More Complete(107)
His voice turns quiet and the ragged breathing makes it far too difficult for me to handle. In the time I’ve known Ben he has never once cried in front of me. It breaks my heart to see him like this. His voice is flat as he speaks and he can’t look at me, but when he does my whole body physically hurts. I want to take his pain away, ease his loneliness, but I can’t. What’s worse is knowing that after everything he has been through, I caused him even more pain. I broke his already fragile heart.
“I came home from work and found his car running in the garage. Krissy, it nearly killed me.” I’ve made every attempt at holding it together for him, but that’s over. I’m sobbing as Ben leans over and pulls me into his arms. I feel his body racked with heaving sobs as he presses his face into my neck. We sit like this for what feels like hours before he pulls away from me. “He left a note that said he couldn’t do it anymore. In a way I don’t blame him. She was his life, his everything and my brother and I were just reminders of her. I can’t even begin to fathom the pain he was going through when she died. It was extremely difficult for my brother and me, but for him, it was on a whole different level. He didn’t have to love her. He chose her and it was almost like he knew from the moment he met her that he’d love her with so much force that it would hurt. I have so much guilt that I carry around. I could have saved him, but I didn’t even try. I was so wrapped up in forgetting her that I couldn’t see I was losing him too.”
“Ben, don’t do that to yourself. You can’t beat yourself up over something like this. You have no idea what was going through your father’s head. Maybe he didn’t want to be saved.” I want to pull him into my arms and hold him and tell him I love him, but I don’t. I can’t take advantage of his vulnerability.
“True. But I could’ve tried. I’ve put everything into my dad’s business as a way to keep him alive. I know he’d be amazed at how much the business has grown and how hard I work, but it still hurts from time to time.” He smiles again and this time it feels authentic. “I’m sorry that I unloaded all of this on you when I should be consoling you.”
“No. Please don’t apologize. You needed someone to tell and I’m glad it was me.” I return his smile. “What I can’t believe is that you somehow managed to finish school during all of this.”
“I made a promise to my mom and even in death she scared the shit out of me. I didn’t want her coming back and haunting me,” he says jokingly. “It sucked, but I did it, not to mention paying tuition at Texas A&M for four years, too. Someone had to see Josh through to end.”
“Ben, you really are amazing. You are going to make some woman extremely happy one day.”
“Yeah,” he says with more static than his usual tone, “but it won’t be you.”
I look down at my hands and begin to pick my cuticles. I don’t know how to respond. I put myself in this predicament, so I can’t blame him when he fires back. I close my eyes and exhale hard. “We can’t do this to each other. We can’t battle back and forth. It’s wrong.”
“I’m sorry. That was a low blow,” he says as he leaves the bed. He puts on his shoes and I rise and walk toward the door with him. “Thanks Krissy. I really appreciate it.”
“No, thank you. Only a true friend would drop everything to be here.” I rise up on my tiptoes and wrap my arms around his neck. He pulls me against his body and his arms tighten around me. As I pull back something that feels so natural, so normal happens. Our lips meet far too long to be considered a peck but just shy of inappropriate. I lean away and my hand instinctively moves to cover my lips. Everything in my body changes and what feels like a low hum takes over. My body buzzes with Ben’s touch the same way it did in the past. I can only manage a few words before he steps out the door, “Good night, Ben.”
“Good night, Krissy.”
---Chapter 34---
Ben walks out leaving me breathless. I check my phone out of guilt. But like always there’s nothing. The feeling builds and the anxiety looms, like an ominous cloud. My neurosis, something I’ve never been able to get a firm handle on takes over. Even in his absence Tyler still controls me, my thoughts, my feelings, they all belong to him. I can’t shake the feeling that I just cheated on him. But did I? I didn’t sleep with Ben. Nothing but a simple kiss was exchanged and words that held a strong meaning, but no actual sexual exchange took place. Yet, as much as I try to rationalize my thoughts I know what I did is far worse than the actual act of cheating. I have a connection with Ben. It’s the kind that will remain long after everything is said and done, it will hold true, it’s a love that lasts, but will somehow remain unrequited. It’s the worst kind.