A Life More Complete(105)
“Thanks for taking me around. It’s really great to see where you grew up. The town is really quite stunning. I have to say, listening to you talk about it, I’m surprised you left.”
“I love all the old homes and their character, but you met my mother. You’d really think I could’ve stayed? I couldn’t get far enough away. When I left for college there was nothing here for me. Gia was leaving for college, Tyler and I had broken up, Tom and my mom were in the process of a divorce. All I had were my sisters and at that time our relationship was anything but loving.” Changing the subject I ask about work. “How’s Annalise’s baby?”
“Adorable, obviously. Annalise is obsessed. I don’t think she’s coming back. She says she is, but I get the feeling she’s just saying that so I don’t lose my shit. I finally found a new temp, but she still isn’t Annalise.”
“Well, can you blame her? I can’t imagine leaving my baby with someone else while I’m at work all day. I mean I know I’ll have to, but if I had the choice I’d be home in a heartbeat.”
Ben nods almost imperceptibly. His eyes are down, “You know, you could have told me,” he says without making eye contact. I can tell he’s hurt and I know exactly what he’s talking about without asking for clarification.
“No, I couldn’t. I was...I don’t know. Embarrassed is the wrong word.” My eyes finally meet his and I can see the hurt in his eyes. Yet behind them is a promise that I can’t bring myself to acknowledge. “Remorseful? Humiliated? Regretful? I can’t even express it. That’s why I couldn’t tell you.” He places his hand over mine.
“You know that no matter what happens, we were friends before we were anything else. It shouldn’t have been this hard for you.”
When I whisper the words, “It should’ve been you.” The urge to take them back moves over me. When he doesn’t acknowledge them I realize he’s a much better person than I am.
We finish dinner without me saying anything else idiotic. Both exhausted, we pull into the parking lot and my stupidity returns full force.
“You can stay with me if you want. There’s a pull out couch in my hotel room.” I can’t believe myself. Desperation much? I sound like a trampy high school virgin on prom night. For some reason I don’t even care.
“Thanks for the offer, but I’ll get my own room.” I almost scream at his response. How much more obvious do I have to be? “You’re married, remember?” he says as the lobby doors whoosh open.
“I know. I’m sorry.” My cheeks flush and the warmth runs through my body. I should be embarrassed. I’m married and behaving entirely inappropriately. Obviously not embarrassed or inappropriate enough for me to ask, “Do you want to come back to my room for a little while. We could just talk.”
He pushes his hand through his hair and takes the key from the desk clerk before answering. “Sure,” he says followed by a few muttered fragments. I catch a quick, “What am I doing?” It makes me giggle a little and he smirks back.
Ben is sitting on the edge of the bed flipping through channels on the TV as I emerge from the bathroom wearing a t-shirt and pair of shorts. My feet are throbbing and slightly swollen from the scenic tours in heels. I climb into the bed and prop my feet up on one of the pillows. He hardly looks at me and I can sense he’s uncomfortable being alone with me and right now I don’t blame him. Together we were simple and easy and right now it is far more stressful than anything we have ever been through. I have placed him in a situation that could be misconstrued by anyone.
“Ben?” As soon as I say his name his head whips around in a near frenzy and his hand tugs through his hair. “I’m sorry. Things are just really crazy right now and I’ve put you in an uncomfortable situation. I’ll completely understand if you want to leave.”
“No, no. Really it’s okay. Honestly it’s not you. We’re friends and I get that. You’re making it a little hard, but I can deal.” He comes across as awkward, but composes himself rather well given my insinuations. He takes a deep breath and turns away from me. “This is hard. We’ve known each other for seven years, but...” I cut him short.
“I know. I’m sorry that I’m throwing myself at you. I can only imagine how completely ridiculous I look.”
He turns back to face me and his words catch me off guard. “Can you stop for a minute?” I nod quietly. “I have known you for seven years, but there is something you don’t know about me. A secret I pretty much keep from everyone. You know me better than anyone, but there’s one thing you don’t know. I came today because I knew you’d need someone and I also knew Tyler would fail you. He doesn’t know you the way I do. I don’t think you’re right for him. I’m not trying to dog on your marriage or your relationship with him, but you let him off easy. Grief is hard, even harder when you go it alone.” I nod again as if I can read his mind. I know where this is going and I can feel a lump form and the tears build. “You know my parents are dead. I didn’t really have to tell you that. But unlike you, I had the perfect childhood. My parents were obsessed with each other and they were obsessed with their children. My brother and I wanted for nothing. We took great vacations and my mom packed our lunches and we worked for my dad in the summer. It was perfect.”