You've Reached Sam (37)
“How none of this really matters,” she says. “Like the vigil last night. It doesn’t change anything. He’s still gone.”
I think back to our conversation at the diner. I never thought it would stick with her this way. I suddenly wish I could take back what I said. I wish I could explain myself. Sam asked me to make sure Mika is okay, and I only made things worse between us. I’m not sure how to fix this. “That wasn’t what I meant,” I say.
“It’s exactly what you said.”
“It’s different now. I don’t believe it anymore. I wanted to be there this time.”
“So did I. But it’s too late now.”
Mika looks away again, staring at the lawn. We’re silent for a while. When she readjusts her hands, I notice something in her lap. A piece of paper.
“What are you holding?”
Mika lets out a breath. Without a word, she hands it to me.
I unfold the paper and read the first line. “An admissions letter?”
“It’s a rejection,” Mika says. “From the University of Washington. They emailed me the other day. I got the official letter this morning.”
I read the letter. UW is a hard school to get into, but not for someone with grades like Mika’s. She should have been a shoo-in. “I can’t believe this. This must be a mistake.”
“Well, it isn’t,” Mika says back. “Joining a bunch of clubs and good grades don’t guarantee you anything, I guess.”
I touch her shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Mika…” I whisper, unsure of what else to say. I can’t imagine how she’s feeling, especially with everything else happening around us. We worked on our applications together, so I know how much time she put in. While I applied to two colleges, Mika applied to nine. She spent months tailoring each application, strategically framing herself with different aspirations and traits based on her research of each school. UW was her top choice. Out of everyone I know who applied, she should have gotten it. Nothing’s fair. “It’s gonna be okay. You’re still waiting to hear from other schools. There’s going to be good news coming, I know it. This is their loss, Mika.”
“This isn’t my first rejection,” Mika says, almost with a laugh. “I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. There aren’t many letters left that I’m waiting on.” She shakes her head. “I don’t know why I put in all this work. For what? At least Sam will never know how much of a failure I am.”
“Don’t say that,” I say, taking her hand. “You haven’t failed anything. It’s still only March. You’re going to get in somewhere.”
Mika pulls her hand away. “I don’t even care anymore. It was all a waste of my time.”
“Mika…” I start.
But she rises abruptly. “Forget it. I have to go.”
“Wait—why don’t we walk together?”
“I’m not going to school today,” Mika says as she steps off the porch.
“Where are you going?”
“Don’t worry about me,” she says without looking back. “Worry about yourself.”
I go quiet, letting Mika disappear down the block without following after her. It hurts to have her think this way about me. If only she knew Sam and I have been reconnected, and I can speak to him again, she’d understand things are different now. I’m different. This is all my fault for not being there with Mika through any of this. I need to find a way to fix things between us. There’s only two months until graduation, and I can’t leave us this way. Especially after I made a promise to Sam. I don’t want to lose her, too.
* * *
k
* * *
It’s hard to focus at school. I keep thinking about how I should explain myself to Mika without lying to her. How can I show her I still care about Sam, when I have to keep things a secret? At lunch, I sit with Jay, Rachel, and Yuki at a table in the middle of the cafeteria. It’s teriyaki meatloaf day so everyone brings their own lunches. Jay cuts his fruit sandwich with a plastic knife to share with me. It’s almost too beautiful to eat, which is true about most of the food he brings. Rachel is looking over forms for the Asian Student Club they’re trying to start. She wants to host a movie screening by the end of the semester.
“We still need seven signatures,” Rachel tells us. She reaches into her bag and hands me a few flyers she made by hand. “Julie, do you think you can ask some of your friends to join us?”
“Oh—” I guess she doesn’t realize my only friends are sitting at this table. And the three of them have already signed up. I take the form anyway. “I suppose I can ask around.”
“Great!”
There’s some ruckus a few tables down from us. I look across the cafeteria. Liam and his friend are throwing fries at each other, while Taylor sits on top of the table with her hair tossed back. I notice Oliver is with them. After we hung out the other night, I thought he might at least come say hi. But he hasn’t spoken to me since. He doesn’t even bother to glance our way. It was the same thing from him yesterday. Maybe he doesn’t want to get caught associating with me in front of everyone. I actually thought things would be different between us.