Written with Regret (The Regret Duet #1)(30)

Nor was he the reason my father had gone to the mall with an arsenal of guns and what seemed like an endless supply of ammunition.

Those boulders of contrition were mine alone to bear.

Trent, Ian, and more therapists than I could count spent years trying to convince me that I was allowed to have a life.

But it wasn’t until Rosalee had come along that I’d finally believed I was allowed to be happy.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Hadley said, reaching for my forearm before deciding against it.

She was wrong. So fucking wrong.

I’d never spoken to a survivor of the shooting. I didn’t have the courage to face them, knowing what I’d done. As I blankly stared at Hadley’s face, regret and agony thrumming inside my chest, my body ached to flee.

But there would be no escaping this.

The tragedy of that shooting had now come full circle—my little girl, the one person I would die to protect, was surrounded by devastation on all sides of her lineage.

I felt like I was speaking through a barrel of rocks as I replied, “I… I’m not sure what else to say, then.”

“Then don’t talk. Just listen.”

I nodded, sinking back down to the booth, still in shock—but not nearly numb enough for this conversation.

Hadley flagged over the waitress, who brought an extra mug and a pot of coffee. While Hadley got busy with the cream and sugar routine, I just stirred the black liquid, waiting and hoping for it to become a vortex strong enough to devour me.

“I wanted Kaleidoscope,” she said, breaking the awkward silence.

My head snapped up. “What?”

“It was about the time Kaleidoscope was making national news after the false arrest.” She smiled and lifted her cup of coffee for a quick sip. “I’d read that your search engines could find every image of a person that existed on the internet. And I needed that. I was in a really dark place back then and I was hoping that, somewhere out there, I could find a photo or video or something I hadn’t seen of my parents before. I thought that maybe, if I could see them again, that it would make the hollowness go away—even temporarily. I was desperate.”

My chin jerked to the side, trying to dodge the blow of her confession. “Hadley…”

“Please don’t apologize again.”

Sighing, I cut my eyes over her shoulder. “How’d you find me?”

“You were a single man living in the city. I hired a PI to get your address. Then I picked the bar closest to your apartment and waited.” She tipped her head to the side. “It took about an hour for you to show up.”

I chuffed, the tension in my shoulders momentarily easing. “That simple, huh?”

“Well, I took a gamble that you couldn’t resist a redhead. But yeah. Basically.”

I did have a thing for redheads. But not in the way she assumed. “So that’s why you stole my computer for Kaleidoscope?”

Her eyes lit in a way that struck me deep, even if I didn’t understand why. “I don’t know. Are you recording me again?”

“Should I be?” I took a sip of my coffee.

She shrugged. “Probably.”

And I probably should have, but we were way past anything I’d ever want to show to a judge.

I made sure she was watching as I powered off my phone.

She nabbed another sugar, tearing it open before pouring it into her mug. “So anyway. Yes. That’s why I stole your computer. And iPad. And phone.”

“And the wallet?” I clipped, nearly five years of resentment getting the best of me.

Her forehead crinkled. “I’m sorry. I can’t say that enough.”

God, I was a dick. The truth was: If I’d known she was a survivor back then, I would have willingly handed her my wallet, my mother’s necklace included, along with the contents of my bank account just to feel a miniscule of undeserved relief.

“You could have asked me. I’d have looked up your parents for you. It was the least I could have done.”

She shrugged. “Maybe, but if I’d asked and you slammed the door in my face, I’d have lost the element of surprise.”

“And your element of surprise was fucking me into exhaustion instead?”

Shit. I had to get a hold of my emotions.

She leaned against the back of the booth, her body shifting from one side to the other as though she were uncomfortably crossing and uncrossing her legs. “No. That was… I don’t know. I think…” She plucked a napkin from the tabletop dispenser and started shredding it. She rolled four tiny balls before finishing the thought. “I think I just needed a few hours of not feeling miserable anymore. You have to understand, I spent most of my life trying to forget the fear I’d felt that day. It had been years, but it was always on my mind, demanding my attention. I hated it. I wanted to escape it. But it almost became an obsession. So, for a few hours, I used you as a distraction. I’m sorry.”

I couldn’t even be mad at her. A distraction. That was exactly what she had been to me. A way to forget. A way to focus on someone else. A way to avoid the mirror.

“Was it your plan to get pregnant? Some fucked-up version of revenge?”

Her eyes flashed wide. “No. Not at all. I swear to you. Trust me, nobody was more surprised than I was. I had the implant birth control. I didn’t even think it was a possibility. I found out when I was four months along, and even then, I didn’t want to believe it.” She threaded her fingers in the top of her hair, shoving it all to one side. “I thought maybe you’d call the cops after I’d stolen your stuff if I told you.”