Woman on the Edge(4)

And now, here was a new envelope. With it still clutched in her hand, Nicole heaved herself out of her desk chair. With a full-grown baby inside her, it had gotten harder to move around. But besides her massive belly, she was still fit and toned thanks to daily yoga, which she did right in her office. She encouraged all her employees to take time in their workdays for themselves.

She laid the envelope beside her and slowly lowered herself onto the yoga mat under the floor-to-ceiling window, easing from a prenatal lotus pose into cat pose. Focusing on her breath, she whispered, “My heart is centered and open. I love myself and allow my heart to connect with the hearts of others. I forgive myself and want to live with gratitude and grace.” Her baby stretched in her womb, and she embraced the bond she felt with her unborn daughter.

Nicole was ready. She sat up on her mat, grabbed the envelope, and opened it. Then she slid the white paper out.

You don’t deserve a baby girl. You’re a murderer. You can’t keep her safe.



The typed words smudged with Nicole’s tears. So Donna had read the Tribune article and knew she was having a girl.

Nicole put the letter back in the envelope, then pulled herself up by gripping the edge of the windowsill. With the envelope in hand, she pressed her hot cheek to the cool glass that overlooked West Armitage Avenue. She watched the women entering and exiting Breathe’s first storefront, adjacent to the corporate offices, which took up all four floors in the slate-gray building at North Halsted in Lincoln Park.

Her daughter fluttered inside her.

Now Nicole’s chest tightened, and her breath released in shallow gasps. Black dots flitted across her vision. She reached out a palm to steady herself against the window, the traffic below only agitating her vertigo. She couldn’t faint at work.

“Nic?”

She quickly crumpled the paper into a ball and looked over her shoulder to see Tessa’s tiny frame in her office doorway. In seconds, Tessa was at Nicole’s side, a gentle hand on her back.

“You’re okay. Deep breath in. Good. Now let it out. Again.” Tessa breathed with her. “Once more. Good.”

Tessa knew how to calm her. Nicole trusted her with her work, with her secrets, with her health.

“Thank you, Tessa,” she said.

“We just have to breathe. It’s you who taught me that, Nicole.”

She smiled to herself. “I guess that’s what friends are for—to keep each other breathing.”

“Exactly,” Tessa said, her wide, kind smile filling her face. “I can’t remember the last time you had a panic attack.”

Nicole remembered it vividly. It was four years ago when she and Tessa were reviewing the catalog for Breathe’s first baby skin-care line. As Nicole flipped to the shot of the beatific mother sitting in a rocking chair, cradling her swaddled infant, she suddenly gasped for air, clutching at the excruciating pain in her chest. The mother in that photo had reminded her of Donna. The memory of that traumatic summer bubbled to the surface before she could stop it. She’d been so ashamed. Tessa was an employee, a product designer then, and Nicole hadn’t wanted to blur the lines.

But Tessa had been so understanding. A yoga teacher and holistic-wellness graduate, she taught Nicole how to manage her panic attacks. Her calm, soothing voice and light touch had worked. Over time, Nicole was able to go off her antianxiety medication. She and Tessa bonded. Tessa had risen in the ranks to chief product officer, and Nicole’s right hand. She felt close enough to Tessa to tell her almost everything about that summer nineteen years ago in Kenosha. And telling that secret released such a heavy burden, a burden that was weighing on Nicole in increasingly frightening ways. In a sense, her friend Tessa—because she did become a friend, so much more than just an employee—had saved her life.

Besides Nicole’s older brother, Ben, who she rarely saw, Tessa was the only person who knew anything about what had happened all those years ago. She didn’t want Greg to know any of it, or about her panic disorder. To him, she was strong, capable, and a leader. That was the woman Greg loved, and Nicole refused to show him anything else.

Nicole’s breathing slowed, and the vise grip on her chest loosened.

“Want to tell me what precipitated that?” Tessa asked.

Nicole turned to lean her back against the window and looked at Tessa’s young, beautiful face. Her long, white-blond hair in its ubiquitous braid and her petite figure. She was only twenty-nine to Nicole’s thirty-six, but at times, she was so much wiser than her years. Type B to Nicole’s type A. Tessa had no significant other, no kids. Her life was how she wanted it. Free and unencumbered. Nicole often envied her. She didn’t seem to need other people, not the way Nicole did. And she certainly never seemed to feel alone.

Nicole pushed herself away from the window. This was supposed to be the happiest time in her life. Another new beginning. She wasn’t going to let Donna ruin everything, again.

So Nicole lied when she answered Tessa’s question. “I guess I’m just feeling nervous about the birth. And I think leaving Breathe in Lucinda’s hands is making me anxious, too. It’s my company, and it’s been everything to me. It’s hard to imagine that for the next six weeks I won’t be here.”

“But I will be here. And Lucinda believes in Breathe. She’s thrilled to be acting CEO in your absence.”

That made Nicole grin. When she’d taken Breathe public, she’d negotiated a permanent placement as CEO, barring any unforeseen circumstances. Lucinda had voted against it, and she’d lost. Now, at least for a few weeks, Lucinda was getting what she wanted. Once Nicole was back from maternity leave, she would have to reward Tessa for her loyalty, maybe promote her to VP.