Woman on the Edge(34)

He sits down and pinches the bridge of his nose.

I feel for him, this man who has lost not only his sister but also his entire family. “How did this happen, Ben?” I gesture to the article I hold in my hand. I’m hoping it contains the answers that link me to Nicole.

“Nicole was alone looking after Amanda while her parents were at work. She put her down for a nap in her crib, then Nicole fell asleep on the couch. When she woke up and went to check on the baby, she was dead.” He sighs with his whole body. “It wasn’t Nicole’s fault, but Amanda’s mother made her feel like it was. She blamed Nicole from the beginning. She went as far as to suggest that Nicole strangled the baby. When the medical examiner’s report came in saying it was sudden infant death syndrome, Amanda’s mother still didn’t believe it. She came to our door, tried to attack Nicole. Said she was going to choke her the way Nicole had choked Amanda. I was so shocked I just stood there. It was horrible.”

Poor, poor Nicole. To go through that at seventeen, I can’t even imagine.

I look at the obituary again. My pulse speeds up. “Ben, Nicole was nervous on that platform, like she was looking around because someone was after her. And Martinez said it’s odd for someone to commit suicide by jumping backward.”

He leans forward, listening intently. “Donna,” he says.

“Donna?”

“Amanda’s mother.”

“And this Donna woman, what happened to her?”

“Like I said, she harassed Nicole for a long time. She used to send threatening letters to my sister every year. I think they stopped years ago, though. Nicole never talked about it. I should have done more to make sure she was okay. But I didn’t. And I guess she buried it, all that pain. Until Quinn was born.”

I yearn to comfort him and tell him it wasn’t his fault. But I don’t know that for sure.

“If Donna was on that platform, maybe that’s why Nicole was so scared,” I say.

Ben stares at the paper in my hand. He reaches out for it and studies it closely. Then he looks up at me, eyes wide. “Holy shit,” he says. “I didn’t make the connection before.”

“What?” I say.

“Amanda died on August seventh.”

And it’s then I realize what he’s saying. That was yesterday, the same date Nicole landed on the tracks.





CHAPTER SIXTEEN NICOLE




Before

Nicole dragged the box inside her house. Then she wheeled Quinn, asleep in the stroller, to the middle of the living room, as far from the box as possible. She lifted the lid slowly. On top was a pink piece of paper with the words “For Quinn” in a Comic Sans font. Underneath the paper was the soft white blanket she had never forgotten—Amanda’s baby blanket.

Nicole felt as though she were being smothered.

You don’t deserve a baby girl. You’re a murderer. You can’t keep her safe.

She dropped the blanket as if it had singed her. Leaving Quinn in the stroller, Nicole crawled to the kitchen to get her pills and swallowed two. The tight wrench of panic in her chest loosened and she could breathe again. This panic attack was as extreme as the one she’d had when Ben had brought her home to Chicago, two days after Amanda died and Donna showed up at her door. Nicole was glad to see her. She wanted to express her anguish and her condolences. She wanted to say how much she, too, had loved Amanda. But before she could say anything, Donna launched herself at Nicole and grabbed her throat, wailing with the raw agony of an animal snared in a trap. “You were supposed to keep her safe!”

Nicole sobbed, barely managing to free herself from Donna’s strong fingers. Ben just stood there. Something inside her cracked then. How could she rely on her brother, the only family she had left, if he wouldn’t come to her side when she was in need? Ben told her later he was shocked and regretted not acting. But to Nicole, it felt like he wanted Donna to hurt her.

She’d been admitted to the psych ward, diagnosed with severe panic disorder, and kept under observation for three days. Because she was a minor, they would only release her, with a prescription for Zoloft, to Ben. And it didn’t matter that Donna’s hands weren’t circling Nicole’s throat anymore. The feeling of someone squeezing the life out of her was a sensation that never left her.

She jolted herself back to the present. It was no help to dwell on the past. She returned to the front hall, where Quinn was awake and alert. She couldn’t bring Amanda back. But Quinn was alive. She had to keep her safe.

Nicole stuffed the blanket back in the box, then took her daughter out of the stroller, holding her close to her heart. She paced with her around the foyer. “I’ll never let anything happen to you, I promise.”

Was Donna playing with Nicole’s mind? Or was she planning something too horrendous to even imagine?

The doorbell rang. Nicole’s greatest fears raged through her body. Then she remembered that Tessa was going to come over, so maybe it was just her.

She cradled Quinn in one arm, moving to the front door. Her head was foggy, and she was having trouble walking steadily. She kicked the box into the closet, then peered through the frosted glass rectangle on the door. The figure outside was much too tall to be her best friend. When she realized who it was, her insides curdled.

Her brother. Ben.

Why was he here?