Within These Wicked Walls(69)

“Look at me.”

I didn’t move. Couldn’t.

He grabbed my shoulder, shifting me to my back so that I rested against his, and I didn’t fight the movement. He was wearing his white long-sleeve undershirt and pants, and of course his ever-present red gloves.

“Someone hurt you?” he asked.

I wiped my blurred eyes with the back of my hand. “No.”

“Then what are you crying about?”

I took a trembling breath. “I failed.”

Jember scoffed and turned back around to unlace his boot. “You live in some rich man’s house for a few weeks and suddenly you’re soft.”

“I’m not soft,” I countered.

“If everyone cried at every failure, the entire planet would be in a constant state of mourning.” He yanked on his boot, giving up with a frustrated grunt. “Get this off me, girl.”

I sighed, but somehow it wasn’t out of annoyance. I scooted off the bed to kneel in front of him. “So, you found a new mentee,” I said, tugging off his boot easily.

“I was assigned a new mentee.”

“How’s it going?”

He shrugged, pushing his dreads behind his shoulders. “Eager to learn. But he can’t seem to understand how to sense Manifestation strokes, which is literally the easiest part of the job.”

“He just needs time. It doesn’t come easily to everyone.”

“I’ll find someone better and replace him.”

“No one’s ever good enough for you,” I mumbled.

“You were. Now look at you. A mewling quitter.”

I shoved his boot to the side. “You’re the one who told me to quit in the first place.”

“Didn’t tell you to cry about it.”

I pushed myself to my feet to stand in front of him, my eyes burning from the threat of tears. “Can you just help me find a job? And I’ll be out of your hair forever.”

Jember’s gaze shifted, searching my face. “What happened?”

“I failed.” It was more of a sob than words. I hugged the amulet to my chest, my vision blurring as I looked at the floor. “He was counting on me, and I couldn’t save him. And now he’s alone and frightened—a-and—” I swallowed another sob. “I’m a coward. I can’t go back there. How can I face him after I let him down so badly?”

“What did you do, girl, fall in love with him?”

And that was it. My body shook, my hands pressed against my face. It burned to breathe. I let loose with uncontrollable sobs, more violent than I’d ever felt before. Maybe my body was just playing catch-up from the rest of my life when I wasn’t allowed to cry.

“I’m going to count to five,” I heard Jember say, barely audible over my sobbing. “And then I’m going to stop your crying for you. One.”

I tried to take deep breaths, but my lungs wouldn’t cooperate.

“Two.”

Smothering was his usual warning when I was about to cry, anyway …

He pushed himself up from the bed and snatched up his pillow. “Three.”

Then again, he’d never made it to five before.

“Okay, okay,” I gasped, forcing myself to breathe, wiping my face.

“Four.”

I fixed my posture and swiped my sleeve across my tear-welled eyes, alternatively taking deep breaths and gasping.

“Five.” He stood in front of me, holding the pillow with both hands, like he was prepared to use it. I hiccupped. He threw the pillow at my face, and I caught it as it fell, hugging it to my chest. “Don’t ever cry over a boy again. Unless he transforms into a hyena and tears your leg off. Until that happens, you don’t get to cry.”

I sniffled a few times, wiping my nose on the pillow. “I love him, Jember,” I whispered. It felt good to say out loud.

I was staring at the pillow, so I didn’t see Jember’s expression. But, for a moment, he had nothing to say. “Don’t cry,” he ordered finally. “No little boy is that important.”

He took the pillow from me and threw it back onto the bed. From the corner of my eye I saw his hand move toward me again, but by the time I’d looked up he had dropped it to his side.

“Why don’t you ever touch me?” I managed through my tight throat … although, God help me, it was tight with something more vicious than before. “I mean, I understand, your skin can’t take it. But you wear gloves all the time, and we’re wearing long sleeves. If you wanted to hug me you could. Or a pat on the back, even. God, I’d even accept a slap at this point.”

Jember tightened his lips to a thin line, letting out a slow huff through his nose. “Why do you care, all of a sudden? A few weeks off the street and your good survival habits have already become lax.”

“You raised me. Don’t you have any affection for me at all?”

“Yes, I raised you.” He lowered himself to the bed again. “That’s affection enough.”

“But you love Saba.”

“I never said that, you just assume—”

“Or you did, at one point. You haven’t forgotten those feelings, and you haven’t seen her since I’ve known you. So how can you have raised me for so long and feel absolutely nothing for me?”