When We Were Bright and Beautiful(24)

13


ON WEDNESDAY, BILLY WAKES UP EARLY. HE TELLS MAEVE to take the day off and makes challah French toast for the whole family. “I need hobbies,” he says. “It’s gonna be a long spring.” He’s not as disconnected as yesterday, but his eyes are unfocused, and he’s filled with manic energy as he gathers plates and forks. He’s panicking, I can tell.

“Cassie,” he asks, wearing a white apron patterned with daisies as he dishes up the French toast. “Would you rather I make you egg whites?”

“Thanks,” I tell him. “But I’m fine with French toast.”

“How about Styrofoam?” Nate asks. “No calories in Styrofoam.”

“No fiber either, Smart Guy,” I say.

In response, Nate takes a huge bite of French toast. He chews with his mouth open, making sure I can see.

“Seriously, Nate?” Lawrence asks. “How old are you again?”

DeFiore calls while we’re eating, and Lawrence puts him on speakerphone. He wants to meet with us tomorrow. Lawrence says sure, absolutely, wouldn’t miss it for the world, like it’s a movie he’s dying to see. His falseness puts me on edge, and it’s this edginess that compels me to announce I’m heading back to school after we see DeFiore. “I’m sorry, Lawrence, but I have a midterm, classes, and lots to take care of.”

“I’d prefer you stay, Cassie. It would mean a lot to Billy.”

“Oh, no way, Dad,” Billy says. “Don’t put me in the middle. Let her live her life.”

“It’s not just you,” Lawrence tells him. “Eleanor and I need her here too.”

This aggravates me. “Keep pressuring me, and I’ll leave right this minute. I don’t want to fight.”

Of course, I want to fight. Otherwise, I would’ve kept my mouth shut. But being home is taking a toll. I’m not sleeping well, my head is buzzing, and I’m reverting to old habits. Yesterday, while Billy slept, Nate and I got stoned and watched Netflix when I was supposed to be reviewing my notes for my exams. When I’m here, time is elastic, its edges collapse, and I lose track of myself. I’m an adult, but also a child. If I don’t set boundaries, I’ll give in, and stay forever.

The other issue is Marcus, who’s started reaching out again. He, too, has uncanny radar. I let his calls go to voicemail, but the pull to answer makes my fingers dance, my body twitch. I imagine him waiting for his wife to fall asleep then sneaking down the hall to use the burner phone he bought specially to contact me. We haven’t spoken in six months, although I admit I save his messages to replay during weak moments. I need you, Cassie. I miss you. I just want to say hi. But no matter how much I wish I could talk to him, no matter how much I want to hear his voice, I can’t risk getting dragged back in.

Nate texts me:

apologize, princess. be the bigger person. This week is rough for everyone I know; I’m not an idiot

You’re not? His bday is tomorrow. You just said you’d rather sit in class than be with him Oh shit. Looking up, I realize everyone is waiting for me and Lawrence to finish arguing. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I wasn’t thinking. Of course, I’ll stay for your birthday.”

“Thanks, Cassie. That means a lot to me. I’m thrilled you’ll be here to celebrate.”

He gives me a loving smile, and we focus on our plates, both of us sheepish. Lawrence takes an enormous bite of French toast. “Delicious, Billy,” he declares, chewing with gusto. But I’m distracted by memories of Marcus, and pick at my breakfast, unable to taste my food, much less swallow it.

*

The day warms up, and in the afternoon, Billy announces he’s going for a run. Nate and I say we’ll go, too, and change into sweats and sneakers. Honestly, it’s the last thing we want to do, but it’s the best way to get him alone so we can ask about Diana.

In the park, we head to the Reservoir. Billy keeps what for him is a slow pace, but after ten minutes, Nate and I are gasping.

Billy pats my arm. “Catch you on the flip side.” Then takes off.

Nate and I watch him until he disappears. “Think he’ll come back?” Slowing down, he wipes his forehead with this T-shirt.

“Would you?”

“Fuck yeah. No way I’d let Diana Holly get away with this.”

We sit on the curb. “Do you think she will? Get away with this?”

Nate shakes his head. “No, but even if he wins, he loses. We may not go to trial, but Billy won’t walk away unscathed. That’s how these things work.”

“A few days ago, you said the exact opposite.”

“A few days ago, I hadn’t talked to Peter or been to court. Now I have. So, yeah, I’m worried. Plus, Billy is acting like this is no big deal. Like this girl isn’t fucking up his whole life.”

“I think he’s in shock, Nate. He doesn’t know how he feels.”

“So let’s set him straight. Let’s drive to Hawkins Cove, build a fire, have a come-to-Jesus.”

“Southampton is out of range. His monitoring bracelet?”

“Fuck.” Nate’s face crumples. “He really is a prisoner, isn’t he?”

Twenty minutes later, Billy appears in the distance, a blur of joyful fury. Running takes him to a place where he’s free and at peace. His head is thrown back. His arms move like pistons. Bathed in the golden glow of the sun, he looks like a Greek god.