When We Were Bright and Beautiful(23)

Thankfully, he seems better today. His eyes are brighter, his cheeks have color, and his thick hair is clean. “It’s so great to be here,” he says. He throws off his blanket with a ferocious yawn and gets out of bed. When he pulls on sweats, I catch a glimpse of the black bracelet around his ankle.

Billy sees me looking. “Coveting my jewelry? It’s the latest in men’s biometric gadgetry.”

“We should ask Nate if he wants one,” I say, relieved he can joke about it. “Lawrence too; you guys can be a chain gang.”

He grins. “I’m glad you’re here, Cass. Good to see your face. Christ, it’s been rough.”

“Me too, Elmo.” My throat wobbles and burns. “I can’t imagine. Being arrested—”

“No, I mean the last seven months, with Diana. I feel like I’ve been living through a long, endless war. This weekend was the last battle, the bridge that blows up in the finale.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been out of touch. I’ve been a bad sister.”

“Forgiveness truce.” Billy holds out his hand and pulls me into a hug. Inhaling his soapy smell, I press my hands against his mighty back. Under my fingers, his bare skin feels smooth. “I’ve missed you,” he says. “A lot.”

“Me too, Elmo.” Then, unable to stop myself, I blurt out, “Why is she doing this? What does she want from you?”

“That’s the million-dollar question, Cassidy Cakes. Maybe if I knew, I wouldn’t have gotten myself in this position.”

“You didn’t do anything. She did.”

Booting up his computer, Billy scans the screen. “We both did a lot of things.”

It’s been forever since he and I have had a real conversation. We text and call each other but rarely say anything. We used to be so close I had X-ray vision into his brain; we shared similar thoughts, finished each other’s sentences. Then he met Diana Holly and grew distant. Or maybe I pulled away first. It’s easy to blame her, but both my brothers took a backseat when I hooked up with Marcus. My desire for Marcus was intense, urgent, and all-consuming. I had never felt anything like it before. Nothing mattered but him.

“Why the fuck am I so exhausted?” Billy asks, plopping back on the bed.

“Because you were in jail?”

Nate appears at the door. “Wasn’t jail, Princess. It was detention.” He grabs Billy and squeezes him around the middle. “Finally, you’re up.”

They wrestle on the mattress until Billy cries uncle. “I’m empty, Nate. Seriously, I’m done.”

“Nate wins! The crowd goes wild!” His arms shoot up. “Nate the Great is king!” Dancing on his toes, he thrusts a hand-microphone at Billy. “Mr. Loser, tell our viewers how it feels to give up the title of Strongest Man Ever? Are you disappointed? Will we see a rematch?”

Mr. Quinn, how do you plead? Mr. Quinn, speak up. Mr. Quinn, the court needs to hear a verbal answer.

“How do I feel?” Billy leans forward into the mike. “Honestly? Relieved it’s over.”

“But your legacy lives on.” After one final twirl, Nate heads out. “Late lunch. Dad’s making pancakes. Although for you, Mr. Loser, I guess it’s breakfast.”

Once we’re alone, I tell Billy I’m here if he wants to talk. “Anytime. And I’m finished with classes in May. I’ll come home for the summer if it will help.”

“Thanks, Cassie. But don’t rearrange your life for me.”

“I want to rearrange my life; I want to be here. Nate too. We love you.”

Billy looks out the window. “You know what’s strange? I’m not angry. I should be, but I’m not. This is how Diana operates. When I get busy with classes or whatever, she gets anxious. She calls and texts all day, but that makes me anxious and I retreat. So, she’ll whip me into a frenzy to get my attention and then we’ll be back right where we started.”

His resigned tone alarms me. “Billy, Diana is trying to ruin your life. What she’s doing is destructive—and criminal. You have to see that.”

“Cassie, you don’t know Diana. We’ve been through a lot together. I just want her to drop the charges, so we can go back to normal.”

“You can’t go back. Even if she tries to drop them, the machine is in motion and the DA can still prosecute. No matter what happens, Billy, this accusation will always hang between you.”

“I think we can.” Turning to me, he juts out his chin. “I love her. She loves me.”

He means this, I realize. “Billy, this isn’t love. What you’re describing, what Diana is doing, is something else entirely. But there’s no way it’s love.”

*

Hours later, I slip out of the apartment, and into the car the Valmont staff has called up for me. It’s cold out but the milky sky is full of stars, so I retract the convertible top. As I head east to the FDR Drive, I feel a rush of adrenaline. I step on the gas. The circumference of Manhattan is twenty-seven miles. The fastest recorded time for circling the city is twenty-four minutes, which averages to sixty-six miles an hour. Tonight, I will crush that. Twenty-four minutes includes red lights, which I will bypass. There’s always traffic in New York City, but I know the highways like I know my own body. I gather speed, hit forty, forty-five, fifty. Dodging and weaving, I race to the bend of the horizon. Soon, the car falls away. It’s just me, flying through space, weightless and untethered. I can’t hear. I can’t see. I don’t feel. Out here, it’s as peaceful, as soundless, as sleep. Out here, it’s a dream.