When Everything Is Blue(55)

“How are you going to manage that?” Chris asks.

“I went six months this summer not seeing him. Plus, he’s about to have another kid, so that should keep him busy for a while.”

“You think he’ll be mad?”

“Yeah.” I don’t need to explain it to Chris. He knows our relationship is walking a tightrope as it is. I can see me being gay as the thing that makes my dad want to cut all ties. I guess I’ve been living in this weird limbo for so long, hoping beyond hope that my dad and I will find some sort of common ground. But me coming out seems like it might be the last straw. “I’m pretty terrified,” I admit to Chris.

“It might be better to know one way or another,” Chris says, “instead of worrying about it. Maybe he’ll be more accepting than you think.”

Chris, ever the optimist, one of the reasons I love him.

“Maybe.”

“I’m not too worried about my mom and Jay, but my dad….” Chris shakes his head. “He’s like a mountain man, all rugged and shit.”

“You’re rugged,” I tell him. “Just look at all the ass you’ve kicked over the years.” Chris is a manly man already. I figured that would make it easier—to have your manhood already proven—but maybe, in a way, it makes it harder. Like, I know my dad has wondered in the past if I was gay—that’s probably why he always pushed me so hard in soccer. But Chris? That’s going to be a huge bomb he drops on his parents.

“My mom will want me to tell him right away,” Chris says.

“Is it up to her?”

“No, but she won’t want me to keep it from him. I just hate doing it over the phone. Not being able to see his face or how he’s reacting to it.”

“I bet your parents would fly you out.”

“Yeah. It just sucks that it even has to be done at all, you know?”

I didn’t want to come out. I was quite content to keep my business to myself. If Dave hadn’t outed me, I probably wouldn’t have said anything to anyone, not even my mom. I’m torn about it. In one way, it’s good to not have to hide it, but in another way, it’s like I’m naked in front of people all the time. Like gay is my whole personality. I’m not smart or funny or an awesome skateboarder, I’m just gay, gay, gay.

“You don’t have to come out to them, Chris. You might not even be gay. Maybe you’re bi.”

“Maybe,” he says like he’s having doubts. “But what about us? Do we just start making out in front of them?”

That sounds like a bad idea too. “No, I mean, let them wonder. Plus, if you tell them, there go our sleepovers.”

Chris laughs at that, which is good. I don’t want him to lose his sense of humor in all this.

“Seriously, though, I’ll keep this a secret if that’s what you want,” I tell him.

“That’s shitty. Why would you let me get away with that?”

Because I love you.

“I just would,” I say.

“I don’t want to keep it a secret, Theo. Especially not with all these randos giving you their number every time I turn around.”

“They are not,” I argue. Although I have been hit on a couple more times since Justin. It’s probably the strangest thing about being out. I’d never approach a girl—or a guy—just because I saw a picture of them going around online, but maybe some guys would. “Guys are dogs,” I tell Chris.

“Yeah, they are. Hey, I don’t want you messing around with anyone but me, okay?” I glance over to find him staring at me intently, giving me the full-body meltdown. The look that has me saying, yes, yes, yes.

“You want to go steady with me, Boss?” I nudge him with my elbow, and he grabs for it.

“I want that shit on lockdown.”

I smile. It’s the cherry on my chocolate fudge sundae. “Done.”

Chris smiles, then glances across the waiting room and eyes up the vending machine. He seriously can’t go two waking hours without eating. “How are you so cool about all this?” he asks.

Something has changed since coming out to Chris. There were so many thoughts and emotions I was keeping from him, little things and big things, that now it’s like a dam has broken and I can tell him anything on my mind, no matter how embarrassing or personal.

“As Lieutenant Knox would say, I’ve been in the shit.”

“Fucking Sean.” Chris shakes his head. He’s still bitter Sean got me wasted on the beach, even though I asked for it. And Sean did make me feel a hell of a lot better about the incident. My problems seem pretty small compared to his.

“You know none of this has anything to do with how I feel about you, right?” Chris says.

“It kind of does. You’re willing to be this whole new person for me.”

“Not new. Just… out in the open.”

I take a moment to reflect on the gravity of what we’re doing. Straight couples don’t have to go through near as much bullshit to be together. Make great proclamations about their sexuality or worry about which of their family members are going to disown them, or in my case, cut off my mythical trust fund. West Side Story, my ass—what bliss.

“Hey, guess who else is gay?” I say to Chris.