When Everything Is Blue(51)

“That’s fucking gross,” I tell him, pushing his phone away. “I’m never falling asleep again.” Cockroaches are everywhere in Florida, even with pest service. They love that swampy heat, just like the snowbirds.

“I’d kill that motherfucker twice,” Chris says, slapping his hands together and grinning.

Chris goes on about what it would be like to have a cockroach squirming around in your head, trying to gross me out even more, making his fingers like insect legs and crawling up my arm to freak me out until we’re both cracking up. We go back to playing our video game, and it’s so normal and right between us that I’m overcome by Chris’s devotion to me, even in my lowest of lows. He’s an even better friend when I’m down, and how many people are there out there like that? Heart of gold, man. He’s not going to abandon me, no matter what it seems. Seriously, I don’t think his loyalty could be tested any more than it has been.

It hits me in a moment of clarity that I don’t want to lie to him anymore. And I’m no longer afraid he’s going to ditch me if I tell him about my infatuation with him. Sure, it might be awkward for a while, but maybe if Chris tells me he’s not interested, I’ll be able to douse the flame and move on.

I pause the game for the second time and toss the controller on the carpet, turn to him with my legs crossed in front of me like we’re in kindergarten during share time.

“We need to talk,” I say and coach myself to be honest. Just lay it on the table. Now’s the time, no more stalling. Real men share their feelings, right? At least, this one does.

“I’m sorry I made you watch that video,” Chris says, perhaps thinking that’s what this is about.

“It’s not that.” I study my hands for a minute, willing them to stop shaking. “I lied to you about a few things.”

“Oh yeah?” I glance up to see his eyes shift away. He looks guilty, like this one time he cheated in Risk by gaming the dice and I caught him. That look.

But I know deep down that Chris is true blue and whatever I tell him, our friendship can handle it, and if I don’t tell him now, I might never do it. Even while I don’t expect him to act on it except to be mildly horrified, I know I can’t continue on like this, constantly thinking about what I should say to him and worrying he’s going to find out I like him because I’m smiling too eagerly or staring at him for too long or whatever crazy nonsense my head has convinced me not to do.

I clear my throat and submerge my fingertips into his plush carpet to have something real to hold on to. “That night in Sebastian. It meant something to me.” I exhale and study him. He still looks caught, but he’s nodding slowly, eyes locked on mine.

“It meant something to me too,” he says softly.

Umm, okay, but what?

“It didn’t seem that way.” I wish I didn’t sound so whiny about it.

He stretches his arms in front of him, then tucks his hair behind his ears and stares at the carpet. “I panicked, Theo. I didn’t know if it was something you wanted, or if you just did it because I told you to.” He looks up and searches my face. “I still don’t know.”

“I wanted it,” I say before I can back out or blow it off. I try to keep my voice even and not falter because I don’t want to sound weak and needy. “I have for a while. I didn’t want to tell you because I wasn’t sure if you were into guys or me and even if you were, I didn’t want it to ruin our friendship.”

He takes a breath that seems to last forever. I watch his chest expand and then deflate. Chris isn’t one to rush his words. “How long have you felt this way?” he asks.

“I don’t know. A year? Maybe longer. I started noticing… things… last fall.”

“Things?” His eyebrows lift, the hint of a grin on his lips.

“You’re going to make me say it?” Chris nods, his smile growing wider. He’s going to make me say it. “Boners, Chris. Huge friggin’ hard-ons. Don’t act like you haven’t noticed.”

Chris laughs for, like, a while, to the point where we’re no longer laughing together, if we ever were. “I thought you might have a medical condition,” he rasps between guffaws.

“Har dee har har.”

When he finally stops, he reaches out and squeezes my shoulder. “I’ve felt this way longer.”

Poof. Mind blown.

“Why the hell didn’t you say anything?” I say in a rush of passion. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little pissed. I’ve been wrestling with this for a while. Completely paranoid. Completely out of my mind.

“It freaked me out, Theo. I mean, it still does.”

“For how long?”

“I don’t know, eighth grade?”

I do a little mental math. “Eighth grade? That was, like, years ago.” I can’t even believe this. We’d only been friends for a year or so, and he already had feelings? How did I not pick up on this? Oh, that’s right, all the making out with chicks. “What about all those girls… freaking Kelli Keyhoe?”

He shrugs. His nonchalance is making me crazy. “I didn’t think you’d be into it,” he says, “and I didn’t want to screw up our friendship either. Kelli was easy compared to you.”