What Lies Between Us(46)

‘My case worker Claire says that in your reference, you talked in detail about things I’d kept from her. She says she has no choice but to turn down my application.’

‘She told you that I said things about you?’

‘Well no, not you, but who else could it have been? Who else knows that much about me?’

‘And what were you keeping from her? Aren’t you supposed to be honest throughout the process?’

‘Not about everything!’ Nina says, raising her voice. ‘Someone told her about the miscarriage, that my ex-boyfriend was a murderer and about my breakdown and they didn’t think I was ready to take on the responsibility of a child. How dare you!’

‘Darling, I didn’t say you weren’t ready, I said that you had very little experience with children, so much so that you avoid your friends’ babies.’

‘Why would you use something I’ve told you in confidence against me? Adoption was supposed to be my chance to catch up with a world that’s moved on without me. But you’ve destroyed it all.’

‘They’d have found out about Hunter eventually.’

‘How? We were together a lifetime ago! There was absolutely no need to tell her about the miscarriage either, because only you and I knew about it.’

‘I didn’t tell them about Dylan,’ I offer.

The name alone is enough to bring her to the brink of tears. She has no idea this is hurting me as much as it’s hurting her. I feel so bloody awful for what I’ve done. I want to tell her that I have always had her best interests at heart even when it doesn’t appear so, but I can’t. The weight of the secrets I carry are almost too much to bear.

‘This was my one chance at happiness, Mum. You are supposed to want what’s best for me. So why have you taken it away?’

‘I didn’t want to, Nina, but I had to answer their questions honestly. I don’t think you’re prepared for what being a parent entails. What experience do you have?’

‘I can learn.’

‘And what about problem children? Kids who’ve come from terrible backgrounds, who have had some horrible, horrible things done to them? How would you cope with that?’

‘Social Services organises training courses and workshops to help you prepare for whatever issues come your way.’

‘Training courses are no substitute for the real thing. Raising a child is stressful . . .’

‘I can cope with stress.’

‘Can you though?’ I fold my arms and hope that she will realise I’m being honest with her because she isn’t being honest with herself. ‘How would you cope if you’re given a child who behaves like you did when you were a teenager? I was a single parent too when you went off the rails. I went through hell with you; two years of absolute hell. God knows there were times when I wanted to give in, but I didn’t because I had the strength to see it through. Would you? Because I have seen what happens when you suffer extreme anxiety, when the stress of what the world throws at you becomes too much. You regress. You close the doors. You shut down. You cannot do that when you are a mother.’

Nina shakes her head as if she cannot believe I have brought this up. ‘Are you really using that time in my life against me? I was fifteen years old, Mum. Fifteen! I was a girl – I’m thirty-six now. I’m a grown woman. I can deal with anything that comes my way.’

‘You can’t know how you’ll react to such pressures when you’ve not had any for most of your life. You don’t have a mortgage to worry about, a family to feed, a job that takes up all your time or a relationship to maintain. You don’t have the first clue about pressure.’

‘And that’s just how you like it, isn’t it? That’s what this is all about, me remaining dependent on you. If I don’t move on, then it means you don’t have to either. And with me still living here, you’ll never be on your own.’

Her bitterness takes me by surprise. But there will be time for me to replay this and criticise myself later. For now, I cannot afford to let this escalate.

‘I’m sorry if you think I was trying to hurt you, darling, but I didn’t say anything to the social worker that’s inaccurate. I’ve been honest with her for the sake of you and any child that might be placed here.’

‘Don’t kid yourself. You did it because you want to keep me this way . . . this teenage woman with nothing and no one to her name. This pathetic shell who has no life because she’s an extension of you. You did it because you are as lonely as I am. You are too bitter and too cruel to let me better myself. I will never forgive you for this.’ She storms out of the room.

Alone, I cry, quietly, because she will never understand how much I have sacrificed for her. I can never explain why I’ve done what I’ve done.

I did the right thing, I say to myself. I did the right thing. My daughter cannot be trusted.





CHAPTER 38





NINA


Maggie and I are perched on the ottoman in her room eating from a plate containing triangular slices of Marmite on toast.

‘I’ve not had this in years,’ she says, savouring each mouthful. Her eyes are fixed on the house opposite Elsie’s. ‘Do you remember your Aunty Edith?’

‘No. Whose side is she on?’