What Lies Between Us(44)

‘And the others?’

Instead of telling the truth, I create imaginary lives for two of my fantasy exes. ‘My second long-term boyfriend was Sam. We met through friends and we were together for a couple of years.’ I try tugging at her heartstrings. ‘He really wanted a family and as I explained earlier, my medical condition means that it’s something I couldn’t give him. So in the end, we split up. And most recently there was Michael. Again, the family situation came between us and taking our relationship any further. It’s hard to find a man who doesn’t want children if he doesn’t already have them from a previous relationship.’

‘This isn’t a nice question to ask,’ Claire continues, ‘but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t bring it up. Is there a part of you that hopes that by having a child, albeit one you’ve adopted, you might be a more attractive prospect to a potential partner? A sort of ready-made family? Or that it’s because you want to do better than your own father and mother did?’

An image of Dad flashes into my mind; it’s the second time I’ve thought about him today. Earlier, while searching for a jumper in the bottom of my wardrobe, I found a padded envelope of old birthday cards that Dad has sent me over the years. Each message is the same: it simply reads ‘love, Dad’. His use of the word ‘love’ and the fact that he never forgot the date meant that no matter how far he has moved on, he still thinks about me. Even if it’s only annually, it’s something. Many times I’ve thought about trying to find him, perhaps hiring a private detective or applying to be on one of those television shows that reunite long-lost relatives. But as the years go on, the more I accept that too much time has passed.

I give thought to Claire’s question before answering. ‘That is absolutely not the case. I want to give a child a home because it’s something that I can do. Even if I had a biological baby, I’d have still gone down this road eventually.’

Claire appears satisfied with my conviction. She asks more questions, but at no point do I mention Dylan as then she’d check the records and no records of her exist. My little girl was never officially registered or named. To all intents and purposes, she was only a part of Mum’s and my world. But only I know how the loss of her shaped the rest of my life.

Mum has no idea about my adoption plans or that a social worker is sitting in her lounge while she is at work. I know I’ll have to tell her soon, but I’ve enjoyed keeping this to myself. Initially me and my son or daughter will live here, but at the earliest opportunity we’ll move out to a place of our own. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life living under this roof. A change would do all three of us good.

‘Okay,’ Claire says in a manner that indicates this first assessment has come to an end. She takes a final sip of her tea, which must be cold by now, then picks up her bag with my completed paperwork. Her expression remains friendly, so I think I have passed this stage. I rise to my feet with her. ‘I’ll need you to email the names and addresses of six people, three of whom aren’t family members, who can give a testimony as to why they believe you are a fit person to adopt.’

‘Leave it with me,’ I say. I have prepared for this and have already lined up three people from work who said they’d be happy to assist.

‘We’ll also need to speak to a couple of your ex-partners,’ Claire adds casually.

This is news to me. ‘Why?’ I ask.

‘It’s normal practice.’

‘But I don’t even know where they live now.’

‘It’s okay, you can give me a few more details later and leave it to us to find them.’ She tells me I will hear from her soon. ‘As you and your mum share this house, we will also need to speak to her, of course. But don’t worry,’ she adds, ‘you’re doing great.’

Her reassurance should appease me. However, when I close the door behind her, I do start to worry. I start to worry a lot. The truth behind my relationship with Sam was that I knew he was married when I pursued him. But I’d fallen in love with the images of the three children he plastered over social media more than I did with him. I reasoned that if I could have him, I’d have a ready-made family too. Then when I told his wife about us, she forgave him and he dumped me. And Michael ended it when he caught me following him on a work’s pub crawl. He wasn’t answering his phone or replying to my texts and I assumed the worst: that he was with another woman. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back, apparently, and he branded me ‘too possessive’. It was only when he contacted the police a few months later that I stopped turning up at his work and flat unannounced.

So I’m going to have to find a way around Claire’s request. And I also need to think how I am going to get Mum on board. Every parent wants to eventually become a grandparent. And I bet that once I convince her how certain I am that this is what I want to do, she will support me all the way.





CHAPTER 36





MAGGIE


TWO AND A HALF YEARS EARLIER

I read the letter once, then look at it again line by line, just to make sure my eyes aren’t deceiving me. The council’s logo at the top of the page suggests that it’s genuine. There’s a telephone number for two named members of staff. I lift the phone’s receiver, withhold my number and call them one at a time. The first answers in person and I hang up; the other is a recorded message. Both women are real. This is not a prank.