We Are the Light(71)

I didn’t know where I was going until the black iron gates of the Majestic Cemetery came into view. Then I was sitting in the grass above Darcy’s belly and apologizing for not bringing any flowers. I tried to joke about poor Gary not getting laid, but that gag just didn’t seem funny tonight. So I told Darcy about Eli’s short film and asked how he could be so cruel after I had taken him into my home and helped him get his monster movie made. But the more I tried to paint Eli as a bad guy, the more I realized that I was trying to project all my darkest feelings about myself onto him, which Phineas later confirmed as accurate. And then I was telling Darcy I was sorry that I wasn’t able to make the blood stop coming out of her body and that I hadn’t seen Jacob enter with guns blazing in time to step in front of those two bullets; and I apologized for sleeping in the same bed as Jill; and then I apologized for not being able to save winged Darcy from fading back into the unconscious of my imagination, because I would do anything to resurrect her. I talked and talked until I had no words left, and when I finally got up and turned to leave, I was surprised to see Bobby the cop leaning against his cruiser, which was parked a respectful distance away from Darcy and me.

“When did you get here?” I asked.

“A while ago,” he admitted.

“You were listening?”

“Just took these out,” he said, extending his right hand toward me. There were two white wireless earbuds resting on his open palm. “Phillies are down seven to six against the Mets in the twelfth.”

We looked at each other for a moment there in the moonlit cemetery.

Then he said, “Jill thought you might need a ride.”

“You must be really tired of driving me home after all these years,” I told Bobby.

“It’s a lot easier than chasing drunk teenagers out of the woods,” he said. “Let’s get you back to Jill, okay?”

I nodded, and then I was in the cruiser. When I got out in front of my home, I thanked Bobby for serving and protecting me once again, to which he responded by giving me a salute, before watching to make sure I got inside safely.

“I think you might owe Mark and Tony an apology,” Jill said when we sat down on the couch. “They’ve been worried sick about you.”

“I can’t believe Eli betrayed me,” the dark part of me couldn’t resist saying.

Jill looked quizzically at me for a moment and then said, “I’ve seen Eli’s film already.”

“How?”

“Mark and Tony have it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I needed to make sure it would heal rather than destroy you.”

“Will it destroy me?” I said, sounding too much like a little boy for my own liking.

“Do you really think any of us would let that happen, Lucas? Really?”

I called Mark and Tony to apologize, but they quickly brushed aside my attempt, saying Eli was insisting that I watch his short film on the big screen and that they were offering me a private screening in the Majestic Theater’s Grand Viewing Room. Apparently, they had long ago been in touch with Phineas, who had already been secretly preparing me for the challenge.

“Eli wants to video chat with you right after you watch it,” Mark said.

“And I really think you’re going to want to take that call,” Tony added.

It was a lot to process, but I couldn’t help noticing that this was probably the sign that Phineas had been telling me about. Part of me felt like I was marching straight toward my doom and the other part felt like I was walking toward salvation.

“Can you hold the tension of those two opposites and make the resulting pain meaningful?” Phineas asked me so many times—until I felt like maybe I could.

Finally, Mark and Tony set up a date for me to view Eli’s short film alone in the Grand Viewing Room. So many people had volunteered to sit through it with me, but, somehow, I knew I had to face this dragon on my own. “You’d have to share all the gold otherwise,” Phineas said many times.

The day before my private viewing, a fully armed Bobby the cop and my Jungian analyst accompanied me on a walk-through of the Majestic Theater. It was the first time I had set foot in a movie house since I had my very public breakdown years before. We walked past the ticket booth and into the lobby—full of historic black-and-white photos dating all the way back to the thirties—where Mark and Tony greeted us and asked if I was ready, to which I nodded. We followed them into the Grand Viewing Room, which was lit up but silent as a tomb. Phineas put his hand on Bobby’s chest, meaning hang back, and then I walked forward alone.

I stood on the spot where I had ended Jacob Hansen’s life. I sat down in the reupholstered seat where my wife had been murdered. And then I raised my face toward the host of angels frozen eternally above. I sat there gazing up at their strange heaven for what felt like an hour, before I walked back toward Bobby, Phineas, Tony, and Mark, who were all respectfully standing guard by the door that led back to the lobby. I nodded once at them and then we all walked out. No one asked if I was okay, which I took as a good sign.

That night, Jill kept offering to tell me exactly what was in Eli’s film and also to sit next to me during the screening, saying she could hold my hand and help me make it through the complicated emotions that were sure to surface. But Jill had already done enough for me over the past four or so years, and I needed to slay this dragon myself. The knight doesn’t bring his lady on his quest; he brings the dragon-slaying bounty home to his lady—and my lady had proved more than worthy of the type of gold I was after.