Waiting for Willa (Big Sky, #3)(5)

My skis are stuck in the snow. I’m pushing with my poles, and it’s like moving through mucky water. I can’t pick up speed.

“Come on!” he yells.

“Stop!” I scream back, but he can’t hear me. And I can’t make my goddamn feet move.

I’m sweating, breathing hard, and watching the blue ski jacket make its way farther and farther down the mountain until it just…disappears.

“No!” Suddenly, I’m propelled down, my feet unstuck, and I’m going too fast. I’m going to whiz right past where I last saw Cary.

But when I zoom close, I get stuck again and fall down. Cary’s buried in the snow, but his face is showing, staring up at me.

“Should have stopped me, man,” he says.

“No.” I try to crawl to him, but I’m stuck in the snow again. “No, no, no, no, no.”

Right before my eyes, Cary sinks into the tree well, slowly as if he’s in quicksand, and disappears completely.

I can’t reach him.

I can’t save him.

“Fuck!”

I jolt up in bed, sweating and panting. I’ve kicked the covers to the floor, and I’m wrapped from the waist down in the sheet, making my legs immobile.

“Fuck,” I say again and rest my elbows on my knees, my head in my hands as I try to catch my breath.

I haven’t dreamed about that day in a while, but it shouldn’t surprise me that I am now. Seeing Willa at the wedding tonight was bound to bring it up.

It always does, even when I don’t talk to her.

In fact, tonight was the first time I’ve spoken to her in nine years.

I sigh, pushing my hands through my hair, and climb out of bed. I won’t sleep again tonight, so I might as well get some work done.

I pull on some shorts and walk down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. Black.

Then I wander into my office. Rather than sit down at my desk, I walk to the wall of windows that look out to the lake.

It’s dark, but the moon is full and bright, glistening off the water. It’s a calm, clear winter night. For the first time that I can remember, the lake hasn’t frozen over all the way, just around the edges.

Cary and I used to love to cross-country ski across the lake when we were kids. We got a kick out of the fact that we were walking over the fish.

God, I missed Willa and Cary after I left. More than I missed my family, although I missed them, too.

But I was determined to make something of myself outside of Montana. I was tired of the small-town existence. I wanted to live in a city, go to college, and experience life.

I needed it.

I wanted Willa to go with me, but she didn’t see herself living anywhere but here in Cunningham Falls. So, we broke up, and I went to college.

But I always intended to come back and talk her into going with me. I was convinced that she’d miss me and give in.

Yeah, I was a cocky little bastard.

That cockiness served me well in business.

Not so much in my love life.

And just when I was ready to say, “fuck it” and come home to her, I got a call from Cary. He’d asked her to marry him, and she’d said yes.

My best friend was going to marry my girl.

I almost felt betrayed, which is fucked up because I’m the one who left Willa behind. I was an asshole to think that she’d pine away for me, waiting until I came to swoop her up and carry her away.

And, if she was going to marry anyone else, at least it was a guy I loved and respected.

I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t content.

But I learned to live with it.

And just when I got up the fucking nerve to come home and see everyone after being away for far too long, Cary and I went skiing, and he fell into that tree well and died.

It happened in the blink of an eye, and he was gone.

Cary was gone, and Willa wanted nothing to do with me.

So, I left and made something of myself. I dove into work. It consumed me. No amount of success or respect or money mattered to me. It was never enough.

Until I came home for Christmas about five years ago and realized that this was where I was supposed to be all along.

I respected Willa’s wishes, though. She told me at the cemetery that day that she wanted nothing to do with me, and I’ve stayed away, even though everything in me yearns for her. I’ve kept my distance.

Until tonight when I had her in my arms and heard her sweet voice, her laugh. Felt her body pressed against mine. God, she hasn’t changed a bit.

And her son is the spitting image of his daddy.

I didn’t want to leave them there on the dance floor, but I did. And I’ll continue to stay away from her. Because what I want from Willa, she’ll never give me.

I want everything. I want her and her son. I want her laughter, her sighs, and her tears. I want to give her everything I have, and I want to take care of her and Alex.

And I’m a grade-A asshole for it.

I shake my head and turn back toward my desk. Taking a sip of my lukewarm coffee, I sit down and start up all four computers. It’s time to bury myself in work.

***

“Jesus, you could kill someone,” Gray King says to Christian. They’re playing darts, and Christian has one hell of an arm.

“Don’t stand in front of the board,” Christian suggests, making us all laugh.