Underneath the Sycamore Tree(28)

I cringe, knowing what I said to Dad at the restaurant must have hurt Cam in ways I never intended.

“Even after all these years without Adam, I feel like telling Kaiden will break the promise I made to him. I want Kaiden to remember his father in a good way, but I just don’t want to lose him. When I told your father about this, he felt like telling Kaiden about your illness, about your sister’s, may bring up too many memories.”

My lips twitch. “Don’t you think he’ll figure it out eventually? I’m not going to get better, Cam. I may be out of the house by the time things progress, but there’s still a lot that doctors don’t know about lupus. I’m not guaranteed to be this functional months from now.”

She presses her lips together and stays quiet, absorbing the truth in my words. “You’re right. Your father is just protective of me. He knows how much I want Kaiden to heal from what happened.”

“Does…” I hesitate. “Kaiden knows that his father is dead, right?”

She turns to me in surprise. “Of course. Why do you ask?”

I shake my head, not wanting her to know that Kaiden acts like his dad lives somewhere else. The way he talked about him at school made it seem like he up and left them to be with another family or something. Maybe it’s his way of coping, but it won’t get him anywhere.

“He’ll be angrier if he finds out we’ve kept it from him,” I say instead. “The thing about chronic illness is that you never know what you’re going to feel like when you wake up every day. It’s a new battle, because the good days don’t mean that you don’t hurt, they just mean that you can tolerate the pain better. I could wake up tomorrow and struggle to get out of bed. I could miss more days of school. He’s not stupid, Cam.”

“I know he’s not.”

“You need to tell him then.”

She pauses. “I know.”

I wet my lips. “Cam?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry about Adam.”

She reaches out and squeezes my hand.





Chapter Eleven





I ask Cam how she dealt with Adam’s death. She told me it was about realizing he was at peace now. It’s how I accept Lo’s death too, so I nod along in genuine understanding.

“We never truly get over losses,” Cam tells me, walking us to the salon’s glass entrance. The windows stretch from floor to ceiling, with two wide doors centered in the middle that have white words on them with store hours. “We just absorb them until they mold us into someone new. Like any creation, it takes time.”

“What does?”

“Creating a masterpiece.” She holds the door open for me. “It isn’t the same for parents who lose their children. You have to understand, Emery. We’re not supposed to outlive you. If I ever lost Kaiden…”

“Even though he doesn’t talk to you?” I wince at the blunt statement, but Cam doesn’t seem to mind.

She gives me a small smile and nods as she walks me into the overly white reception area. It smells like expensive shampoo, and the music playing softly in the background is on a pop station. Everything is white, black, and silver—modern and sleek. It’s not like any place Mama ever took Lo or me to get our haircuts.

“Especially then,” she whispers, writing my name on the sign-in sheet.

“Why?”

She turns to me. “Kaiden is my son. He’s still here, even if Adam isn’t. That means I have time. Hope. I’ll never stop loving him even if he finds a way to stop loving me. The truth is, we never stop loving our children even if we lose them. I know things with your mother are difficult now, but she needs time.”

“To mend?”

A single nod.

What if Mama doesn’t become a masterpiece? There are pieces of art far less desired that take just as much time to create. If she becomes a canvas wasting away to dust…

A woman with platinum blonde hair walks over with a big smile on her face. She’s probably around Cam’s age but looks closer to mine with flawless skin and shining eyes and perfect teeth. I never used to envy people as much as I do now, simply for looking healthy.

She hugs Cam and turns to me. “You must be Emery.”

“Em,” I murmur, feeling bad for thinking badly of her just because she’s pretty.

“Ready?”

For some reason, I look to Cam for guidance. It’s something I used to do with Mama when I was unsure. Like when I was little, and the doctor asked me simple questions that I couldn’t find the words for.

When Cam nods in encouragement, my throat thickens. Mama did the same thing. Maybe it’s maternal, like a switch that’s flipped after having a baby. Maybe Cam’s just a good person.

It makes me angry at Kaiden for being such a hypocrite. He can pretend like I’m horrible for leaving Mama, but he’s doing the same thing. Just because he lives under the same roof as her doesn’t mean he’s not emotionally here. If anything, he’s worse than me.

Mama shut down because she struggled with Lo’s death and my diagnosis. Cam is the opposite—she wants to embrace him, and he pushes her away.

Everyone grieves differently, Grandma would tell me.

I don’t think Kaiden is grieving though.