Turbo Twenty-Three (Stephanie Plum #23)(28)

It was a cloudless sky with a sliver of a moon. Not a lot of light on Mill. Streetlights had been shot out long ago, and most of the buildings were shuttered at night. There were rooming houses on the lower blocks, but eventually they gave way to commercial-use warehouse-type structures. Lula had said they’d be filming on the edge of the residential area. I found them on the third block. They were huddled beside a van. Lula’s Firebird and a silver Honda Civic were also parked there. They were in front of a graffiti-spattered three-story building that had at one time been apartments but was now boarded up.

I parked in front of the Civic and walked back to the van. Howie was there with a handheld camera. A large woman with cornrows and braids halfway down her back stood next to Howie. She was wearing an apron with a lot of pockets. When I got closer I saw that they were stuffed with makeup brushes and assorted cosmetics. One of the pockets held a large can of hairspray. Another pocket held a large nickel-plated semiautomatic. The gun caught the moonlight and sparkled like a piece of jewelry.

Grandma, wearing black Pilates pants, a black sweatshirt, and a fanny pack, was holding a flashlight and standing next to the makeup woman. The barrel of Grandma’s .45 stuck out of one end of her fanny pack.

Lula and Briggs were naked. They were listening intently to Howie.

“This is the big opening scene,” Howie said. “You’re going to stand on the stoop of this apartment building, and you’re going to look excited, anxious to start your adventure. Grandma’s going to highlight you with the flashlight, and I’ll pan in for a close-up.”

“Excuse me,” I said. “My mother sent me to get Grandma.”

“Good thing you’re here,” Lula said. “Laurene didn’t show up, and we need someone to work the clacker.”

“What’s a ‘clacker’?”

Howie handed me a small chalkboard. “It’s this thing,” he said. “You write the number of the scene on it, and then you say ‘Scene one, take one,’ and you clack the wooden frame down.”

“It’s a real important job,” Lula said. “It keeps everything in order.”

“I’m not staying,” I said. “I just came to get Grandma.”

“I can’t go,” Grandma said. “I have to shine the flashlight during close-ups.”

“We’re losing time,” Howie said. “Everybody on their marks.”

Lula and Briggs went to the stoop.

“You gotta scooch down a little,” Howie said to Lula. “I can’t get both of you in the frame.”

“How about if I just pick the little dwarf up?” Lula said.

“You touch me and I’ll be on you like a badger ripping apart a rodent,” Briggs said.

“That’s good!” Howie yelled. “Already we got drama. Grandma, get the flashlight on them.”

“We can’t start yet,” Grandma said. “Nobody did the clacky thing.”

Everyone looked at me.

“Oh, for crying out loud,” I said. “Scene one, take one.” And I clacked the clacker.

Grandma rushed in with the flashlight, Howie shouted “Action!” and Lula and Briggs mugged for the camera.

“Cut!” Howie yelled. “Grandma, you’re supposed to be shining the light on their faces. You’re shining it on Randy’s dick.”

“It’s one of them uncontrollable things,” Grandma said. “I can’t stop staring at it. I never get to see men’s parts anymore.”

Lula looked down at Briggs. “There’s not much to see.”

“Yeah,” Grandma said. “I remember them as being bigger, but it’s still hypnotic the way it’s moving around.”

“I’m excited, okay?” Briggs said. “This is what happens when I get excited.”

“Now that everyone called attention to it, I find it distracting,” Lula said. “I can’t do my best emoting under these circumstances.”

“Cripes,” Howie said. “Now you have me staring at it.”

“Maybe it would help if you put some powder on it so it’s not so noticeable in the moonlight,” Grandma said.

“It’s not the moonlight,” Briggs said. “It’s the stupid flashlight.”

The makeup woman rushed in and powdered Briggs’s dick.

“Hold it still,” she said. “I can’t do nothing with it bobbing around.”

“Listen up,” Howie said. “We’re all going to ignore the dick.”

“I’m good with that,” Grandma said. “I’ve seen enough.”

“Here’s the plan,” Howie said. “After I get a close-up of Lula and Randy they’re going to start on their way around the block. I’m going to follow them as they creep forward. When they move to the next block with the burned-out warehouse they get more wary. This is where they’re on alert for urban dangers. I got a couple dangers planned out, but they’re going to be a surprise.”

“I don’t like snakes and dead people,” Lula said to Howie. “You better not have any of them in your plan.”

I rubbed out “Take 1” on my chalkboard and wrote in “Take 2.”

“Yada yada,” I said. And I clacked the clacker.