To Love and Be Loved(83)

‘He loved Dad.’

‘Yes, he did. Talk about state the bloody obvious, thank you for that, Merrin,’ Ruby snapped.

She stared at her sister, who stared back. Bella subtly shook her head and closed her eyes briefly; code for ignore her. It was like this sometimes, as if she inadvertently pushed Ruby’s buttons that took her from calm to furious in seconds. She took Bella’s advice and the atmosphere settled a little.

With baby Glynn sleeping soundly in his pram in the corner, Merrin, Bella and Ruby settled back into their seats around the hearth with large mugs of tea, warming their toes in front of the fire. It was just like old times, except they were solemn and thoughtful. Merrin knew without doubt that they, like her, took solace from the proximity of the others.

‘Shall I take Heather up some toast or something?’ Bella looked towards the ceiling.

‘She won’t eat it, Bells,’ Ruby sighed. ‘We’ve tried, ain’t we, Merry?’

She nodded. This, too, was her sister’s MO – to throw a verbal olive branch after snapping at her.

‘Jarvis is right, Miguel is a good bloke.’ She pictured the effort he had gone to, the petals on the bed, the smell of lavender oil, the candles . . .

‘Yes, I thought he was lovely,’ Bella added.

‘He is lovely.’ She smiled at her friend. ‘I think he might propose . . .’ She let this trail.

‘God!’ Bella sat forward in her seat. ‘That’s big news. And what would you say?’

‘I don’t know.’ She rubbed her sore eyes. ‘I’m thinking that he’s got a lot of qualities that make for a good life partner.’

‘But is that enough, Merry? Don’t you want that glow of real love?’ Bella, she knew, had reservations about the two of them.

‘I don’t think that happens for most people, if it exists at all, and so why would I hold out for it?’ she surmised. ‘Besides, I’m honestly too muddle-headed right now to think about anything. I don’t know if he’s what I’m looking for.’

‘What are you looking for exactly?’ Ruby sipped her tea.

‘I don’t know,’ she mused. ‘And I guess that’s half the problem. But I do know what it felt like to believe in love – so much so that the thought of a marriage proposal filled me with joy, not dread, but I won’t feel that again because I know it’s not real. I think there are some exceptions: what Mum and Dad had was real, rare and special.’ This admission was a big deal, hinting at a recovery of her heart, but was lost among the next wave of sadness that hit hard.

‘Dad really liked him after spending time with him at my wedding,’ her sister added. These words were enough to make all three girls cry harder, with thoughts of Ben on that proud, proud day. They foraged for tissues and wiped their faces.

‘I can’t believe that was the last time I saw him. Why didn’t I come home again? I feel as if I’ve let him down,’ Merrin cried.

‘Oh, don’t worry, that wasn’t why you let Dad down, Merry.’

She and Bella looked towards Ruby, whose words had been cutting, and Merrin felt her pulse quicken.

‘What d’you mean by that?’ She sat up straight and turned towards her sister. This barb was too deep and painful to ignore.

‘Nothing.’ Ruby twisted in the chair to get comfortable.

‘Ruby! You can’t say something like that and just expect me to drop it!’ She was aware of Ruby and Bella sharing a knowing look, and this only added fuel to the twin flames of intrigue and unease. ‘How did I let Dad down?’ she pushed. Even asking the question was enough to make her throat close with distress and for tears to form and slip down the back of her nose.

‘By up and leaving, by not being here.’

‘Stop, Ruby! Just bloody stop!’ Merrin’s voice was strong. ‘You told me once before what a rubbish daughter I was in going away, and it hurt me more than you know. But Mum and Dad seemed to understand a lot more than you do that it was about my survival! I did what I had to do to grow, to get over what Digby did to me! And so don’t you dare, just don’t!’ She raised her voice a little, wary of waking Glynn. ‘In fact, it’s not about Mum and Dad, Ruby, is it? It’s about you and some stupid jealousy that has always hung around you like a bad smell. It needs to stop, it just needs to stop! I’ve had enough.’

‘You’ve had enough? And don’t even start me on Jarvis. My Jarvis!’ she enunciated. ‘My Jarvis? That’s what you said!’

‘That was a fucking lifetime ago!’ Merrin felt her heart hammer in exasperation, as she punched her thighs. ‘I didn’t mean to say it, I didn’t mean it! And I’ve already apologised. I can’t keep apologising!’ She shook her head and rubbed her face, wanting silence, wanting Ruby to shut up.

‘Not for me; it wasn’t a lifetime ago for me! And how dare you say that? Even on my bloody wedding day, half the talk was about how you were coping with the day and how strange it must all be for Merrin, the poor lamb. My wedding day! People were coming up to me all day and I thought they were going to congratulate me but instead they looked me in the eye and said, “Oh, this must be so tough for little Merrin . . .”’

‘And what do you think that was like for me? I can’t shake it off! The girl who got jilted, “poor little Merrin!”’