To Love and Be Loved(46)

‘I know that. And I’m better than I was. Much better. I can get through a day without wanting to hide and I can even think about him without crying, so, progress.’

‘I just miss you, Merry. We all do. Well, apart from old Ma Mortimer, who swans around the place with her sweet smile like butter wouldn’t melt.’

‘I can’t stand the thought of seeing her or him.’ Go home, dear, go home to your family . . .

‘You’ll have to at some point.’

‘Not if I don’t come home.’

‘Brilliant, Merrin Mercy, that’s the answer – never come home! What a thing to say!’ Bella tutted.

‘It’s not that I don’t want to. But can you imagine what it would be like to see him? When for him it’s like I never existed? Like I might have dreamt the whole thing? To have him go from loving me so completely and grabbing my hand, not wanting to say goodbye for the night because he couldn’t stand the idea of being apart from me, to . . . nothing! I’ll never understand it, not really.’ She closed her eyes to calm her thoughts; getting worked up was easy and served nothing positive.

‘Me neither.’ Bella gave a humph of laughter. ‘But you gotta let it go!’

‘Easy said. But it’s like grief, and yet I can’t legitimately grieve because he’s not dead, he just doesn’t want me.’ It didn’t get any easier saying it out loud, yet she was also glad of the opportunity to do so. Glancing at the window, she felt her gut shrink at the prospect that one day she might be within bumping-into distance of a Mortimer. Whether it be Loretta, Guthrie or Digby himself, she knew she wouldn’t know what to say or how to act. The thought was enough to make the breath stutter in her throat with embarrassment. Far better to stay where she was and keep busy.

‘You know, I think he must be a born fool to have thrown away such a lovely relationship.’ Her mate sighed. ‘But more than that, I feel he must be lacking or weak to let it go as far as he did if he had no intention of going through with it, and so I feel sorry for him, as well as being mad as hell at him.’

‘You’re kind, Bella, to consider him in that way.’

‘I don’t know about that, my lovely. And I know your sister certainly doesn’t share my kindness.’

They both chuckled at the image, knowing Ruby would be as good as her word. Merrin took comfort from the fact that her sister still cared enough to defend her.

‘So how long is gorgeous Luuk staying?’

‘For ever, I hope!’

‘Blimey! Don’t tell him that; he’ll run for the mountains.’

‘They don’t have a lot of mountains in Holland.’

‘Good point, smart arse. Anyway, I’ve got to get ready for work. Love you.’

‘Love you.’

After a restorative shower, and buoyed up by Bella’s call, Merrin made her way across the front gravel to the main hotel.

‘Hey, Merrin!’ Miguel called after her. She slowed to allow him to catch up. ‘Morning!’

‘Morning.’ She tucked her short bob behind her ears; the style was liberating not only in terms of the time it took her to get ready but also in freeing her of the memory of Digby running his fingers through her long locks.

‘Glad I caught you. I wanted to ask you two things.’ He smiled. She liked his open expression and his neat, white teeth.

‘Fire away.’ She carried on walking and they fell into step together.

‘We’re really short-staffed over the next two weeks: Sonja has gone down with the flu and I’d already told Gareth he could take a holiday, so he’s in the Lake District – don’t suppose you fancy some overtime in the restaurant? Nothing that would interfere with your shifts on reception, but if you could spare us the odd evening?’

‘Sure.’ It wasn’t like she had anything else to occupy her evenings, and she couldn’t deny the extra cash would come in handy.

‘You are a lifesaver!’ He joined his hands in prayer.

‘What was the second thing?’ She stood still on the winding path and stared at him.

‘I was wondering if you fancied a drink?’ he asked without any hesitation or nerves.

‘Blimey, Miguel, it’s a bit early, isn’t it?’ She glanced at her watch and drew breath through her teeth. ‘How do you take it at this time of the morning? Gin on your cornflakes? Clean your teeth with Prosecco?’

‘Very funny.’ He ran his hand through his neat, dark hair. ‘And actually, I meant beer, and later – tonight, as it’s my night off, the only one I can see me getting for a while. Or another night, any night in fact, or day, if night’s not possible.’

Now his nerves showed and she rather liked it, although she wasn’t sure why. This was the first time someone had managed to put a crack in her protective shell for the longest time.

‘So that’s it. What I’m saying is: I think you need to go to the pub. And I think I need to come with you, if nothing else to see you safely home after you have consumed more beer than your legs are comfortable with carrying.’

‘I don’t like beer.’

‘Ah.’ He kicked at the gravel. ‘So that’s a no, is it?’ He looked a little crestfallen and it gladdened her to know he wanted her company.