This Is Not How It Ends(65)

I texted Elise. Any news?

Before she responded, my phone rang. It was Philip.

His voice was thick with sleep. “Charley.” It was a groggy breath of air, but I heard the accent. My eyes filled with tears. He sounded faint and far away.

“Hang on, honey. I’m coming. I’m on my way.”

“I’m sorry,” he started again, every word a struggle. “I tried my best to make it back for you . . .”

“I told you to stay put!”

A cough escaped him.

“Philip . . .”

“Charley . . . everything I did was for you. Try to understand that . . . I have to go. Just know that, know how very much I love you.”

He wasn’t making any sense. “I love you, too.”



Ben handed me a tissue, and I dabbed at my eyes. We were approaching Card Sound Bridge. The view used to be one of my favorites, the stretch of ocean surrounded by islands of green. I closed my eyes and leaned against the window. Ben turned the radio up a notch.

Sleep came in short, jerking intervals. The pressure on my arm made it impossible to get comfortable, and I twisted in the other direction. Ben was focused on the road. Two hands on the wheel. Two strong hands that had covered my body only hours ago. I knew what they felt like. I knew the shape of his fingers and the smell of his skin. He took his eyes off the road and looked at me. It was heartbreaking to see the distance between us.

Dave Matthews was playing on the radio. He was asking if this was real or if we were dreaming. Ben reached a hand out to me, and this time, I didn’t pull away. He didn’t consider how much it was going to hurt to let me go. Everything had changed, and when I got out of his car, we’d have to take our feelings with us.

“We should talk about it,” he said.

“No.” I shook my head. “I can’t.”

“This is it, Charley. If not now, when?”

How could I listen? How could I let his words in when they weren’t mine to keep?

“I need to know,” he began. “What if there was no phone call? What if Philip was on his way back?” He paused. “What would’ve happened to us?”

My voice was dull, washed out. “But he’s not.”

“You’re not answering the question.”

I soaked in the faint line of stubble crossing his cheeks. “What-if doesn’t matter anymore,” I said.

“It matters.”

“Ben, please. It won’t do either of us any good.”

He let go of my hand and ran it through his hair, releasing a long, deep sigh. Dozens of thoughts filled my mind, all the things I couldn’t say. The feelings rose to the surface, scratching along my heart and throat. He couldn’t see them. He had no idea they were there. Perhaps through their power he’d feel them, without me having to say a word.

I had been prepared to leave Philip. Waking up in Ben’s arms, I admitted, I had fallen for him. I had been falling for some time. These realizations were a string of confessions tethered to my heart. Wordless emotions that held my secrets and protected those I loved. Protected me. But this was something bigger than both of us. This was a sign I couldn’t ignore.

“We were lonely, Ben. And hurt. Maybe fear does that to people, they act on impulse.”

He didn’t try to fight me. He took it all in. Each of my lies. Each denouncement of what we’d shared in that bed. It was a lot more than sex, and we both knew it, but what did it matter when Philip was lying in a hospital?

I felt the car slow down, and he pulled off the narrow road. “You can’t stop here. It’s too dangerous.”

“Don’t do this, Charley.” He looked as though he might break into pieces.

“Ben, please.”

The pain in his eyes pulled me in, desires our lips couldn’t say.

He shuffled in his seat and gripped the wheel.

“Living without her, I didn’t have a choice. But you, Charley . . . I know how it feels to lose someone. I don’t want to lose you, too.”

I watched a man who I loved hand over his heart.

“Philip needs me.”

He clenched the wheel. “So do I.”

A tear slipped down my cheek, and I wiped it off, wiped his feelings off. “I’m sorry.”

“Fine,” he said, jerking the car into gear. “If this is what you want, if this is what you need . . . I’ll give it to you. But let’s make one thing clear, Charley. This is not how it ends. This is definitely not how it’s going to end.”





CHAPTER 30

September 2018

By the time we reached the hospital, I could tell Ben wanted me out of the car as much as I wanted out. His goodbye and request for me to keep him posted were barely audible. I didn’t look back after closing the door. I couldn’t. If I did, he’d see the tears lining my cheeks. He’d see that I loved him, too, and that getting out of that car and getting out of that bed weren’t choices. My heart was pulled in two.

The tears continued through hospital security and followed me to the elevator.

As I stepped through the threshold of room 823, reality hit like a freight train. Ben. Philip. It occurred to me I hadn’t showered, that Ben was on me and in me. Shame crawled down my shoulders, planting itself inside. He was asleep, and I was unprepared for his condition. Doubling back, I thought perhaps I was in the wrong room. A lot had changed since he last left.