This Is Not How It Ends(64)

I needed to get control of myself, and conversing with Jimmy helped. “You don’t have that many more tests to pass,” I began. “Liberty said you’re in the home stretch.” I reached across and brushed the hair off his face. “We’re going to celebrate in a big way.”

“What happened to your arm?” he asked.

I reached for the bandage. “I didn’t listen to your father.”

Unmoved, he continued eating, changing the subject. “Do you love him?”

It amused me how he could casually eat his dry, tasteless cereal and simultaneously ask such an important question. I disguised my surprise. “What do you mean?”

“Do you love my dad?” he asked again.

My presence had to confuse him, and perhaps he saw something else. “Your dad is special to both me and Philip.”

He nodded, and I could tell he hoped for a different response. I looked back and forth from his speckled face to the front door. I was anxious to know how bad the damage was outside. I was anxious to know how my fiancé was managing in the hospital, when he hated being told what he could or couldn’t do. Hours ago, I would’ve said yes, I loved Ben a lot. And not just as a friend. Now my guilt was leaking through, and I couldn’t plug the holes.

“Dad doesn’t like people sleeping over,” he said. “He likes his space.”

I again glanced over my shoulder, nervously awaiting Ben’s return. “Lots of grown-ups do, Jimmy, but Philip’s away, and your dad didn’t want me alone during the storm.”

He was tugging on his pajama bottoms, the ones with the Miami Hurricanes’ logo. “Last night was fun.”

I could tell how hard it was for him to say those words, and for a brief moment, his honesty allayed my worry. “I liked being here, too.”

The door opened, and Ben and Sunny returned. I expected to feel differently when I saw him, that his tousled hair wouldn’t speak to me, and his chest and hands weren’t touching me under my clothes. The lights flickered, and a brief humming sound brought the house to life. Jimmy skipped off to his room and his dormant PS4 game. Laurie Jennings resumed reporting, announcing closures in the area and status updates on the airport.

My cell phone rang, and it was Elise. “They’ve put him in a room, Charlotte. I know you want to get to him, but please be careful. The roads are bad. Philip would want you to be safe.”

I was watching it live on Channel 10. It was a mess out there, but not enough to stop me from going to Philip.

“Let me drive you,” Ben said.

“No,” I insisted. “I’ll go by myself.”

“You don’t know the roads as well as I do, and have you not noticed the blood seeping through your bandage?” I looked down at the bright-red splotch. “You probably need stiches.”

“Well, good thing I’m going to a hospital.” I couldn’t imagine being alone with him. “I’ll call an Uber.”

“Charley,” he sighed. “I doubt Ubers are working. Let me take you.”

I didn’t want to need Ben right now, but I did. My hands were trembling, and besides the drive, I needed him to take Sunny for a few days.

“What about Jimmy?” I asked.

“I’ve already called Carla. Her house has no power. She’s ecstatic to come over for the afternoon.”

This was Ben’s gift. He cornered me, boxed me in, so I couldn’t get out. He might as well have been holding me against a wall with my arms pinned up above my head, leaning in for a kiss. I shook my head to banish the image and the forbidden sensations.

Our phones rang at the same time. There was talk of Morada Bay’s damage on his end, and it was Liberty on mine. She detailed the island chatter: restaurants serving meals, Xfinity outages, the important stuff. “Thank goodness you’re all okay.” Then she lowered her voice, “How was it sleeping at hunky Ben’s house?”

“Philip’s in the hospital.” And then I broke down. Hearing myself tell the story made it frightening and real. “I should’ve been there for him. We should’ve been together.” Revulsion mixed with regret. All the pieces stacked together in one pile of blame. I was sick over what I’d done. What we’d done.

Liberty offered to join me, but I refused. “Ben’s going to take me.” She assured me whatever I needed, she’d give, and I knew she would, and I thanked her, but she couldn’t give me the thing I needed most: to turn back time.





CHAPTER 29

September 2018

The streets of Islamorada mirrored my soul. Water swelled, edging along the sidewalk, while branches and leaves dispersed in its wake. Ben was beside me, steering the car cautiously toward Miami. The city slowly came to life, but I was too dazed to notice. Residents gathered to survey the damage, and shop owners took inventory of their losses. One could hear the collective sigh of relief that the storm hadn’t been worse, though Hurricane Kelsie blew through more than just the island. I had my own brokenness, too.

Ben started to say something, and I thrust out my hand. “I can’t. Not now.”

We had an hour and a half to get to the hospital, which would likely be over two because of the traffic, downed lights, and fallen debris. Ben took Card Sound Road, and I didn’t argue. He was doing what he could to get me there fast.