This Is Not How It Ends(51)

“Charley girl, I can’t wait to see you. Don’t get too attached to that handsome chap over there. I’m eager to see that pretty face of yours.”

I laughed, the waver in my voice undetectable. “We missed you. How was the hospital?”

“Hospitals are bloody dreadful, darling, though I learned something new. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

“Awful joke, Philip,” Ben said.

“I’ve got to run, lads. I love you, darling. You too, Goose. Get my girl home safe and sound.” And his voice disappeared.

A few minutes passed without either one of us speaking. It was Ben who broke the silence. “You okay?”

“How do you always seem to know when I’m not?”

“It’s all over your face.”

I sighed. “I can’t shake this feeling that something’s going on with him.”

“He’s telling stupid jokes. That’s an indication that he’s fine. And you’ve had a lot going on yourself.”

I was grateful that he noticed and that he didn’t try to defend me or defend Philip. He listened, which meant a great deal more.

“You’re not afraid of falling asleep anymore,” he said. “You looked so peaceful on that hammock, I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“Some pain we learn to live with. It becomes our armor.”

“What are you protecting yourself from?”

“Don’t you mean who?” I asked.

I wasn’t sure if we were talking about Philip, my father, or something else. Had I chosen a man who left me as perplexed and alone? Had I chosen to love a familiar hurt?

“I’m a dad, Charlotte, the thought of Jimmy being somewhere out in the world without my knowing where, or if he was okay . . . I’ll never understand.”

I hadn’t shared this with Philip. I thought at the time it was silly and foolish. “The trip to Florida all those years ago, when I met Philip on the plane, I landed in Miami, and I immediately texted my mom. It was the first time I really thought about being cut off from my father. I’d always thought about him from my perspective . . . how he made me feel. What his absence did to me.

“That day was different. I stepped in his shoes, really inhabited his brain, and I could not, for the life of me, understand how a man could bring a child into the world and not know where they were or how they were feeling. I’ll never make sense of it.”

He didn’t immediately respond. Ben was a thinker.

“Say something.”

“What can I say? I can’t relate.”

I thought about Sari, and how she’d give anything to be alive and with Jimmy, monitoring his snacks, his comings and goings. Worrying and waiting for a text saying he was okay.

We turned down my street, and Ben slowed down. “It was never about you, Charlotte. You have to believe that. It hurts, but his leaving was not because of you. How could it be?”

We pulled up to the gate, and he parked the car out by the street. Ben plugged my code into the panel, and the metal swung open. We walked side by side beneath the trees and down the narrow drive.

“When you love someone,” he began, “nothing should keep you apart.”

I tossed my head to the side and left the long strands to blow in the warm summer breeze. Philip was coming home tonight, and I was already feeling sad. Ben’s words were touching me. They were confusing me, too.

“Ben, are you talking about Philip?”

He finally faced me. “I don’t know, Charlotte. Am I?”

“You said I was lucky to have him . . .”

“You are,” he said. “Philip loves you . . . and relationships aren’t easy . . . they come with a lot of sacrifice . . . a lot of compromise.”

“Is that it? You think I’m compromising?” My head shook, blocking out what I didn’t want to face. “I wish you’d come out and say whatever it is you’re trying to say. You think I’m channeling some daddy issue? Not everything goes back to our childhoods, Ben. Is that what you think?”

“Maybe.”

He was probing so deep he could easily see the nerve he was brushing against. The lines were beginning to blur. Painful memories were a heavy burden, and I was skipping over them, trying to bypass the hurt. The holes were widening, Philip’s absences subtle reminders of a childhood spent denying my wishes and yearning for them to come true.

“Philip has to work, Ben. He runs a multimillion-dollar business and oversees, like, a hundred offices.” My hand came up in the air to emphasize the point. “I don’t think he wants to be away from me, and I resent the comparison.”

“Relax, Charlotte,” he said, speeding past me. I stood there watching his back, speechless. There was a myriad of emotions and feelings swelling inside me. He was tapping into every single one. I tried to catch up, and when I did, I was out of breath.

“You’re not being fair. This is his business, his livelihood. I’d never take that away from him.”

The house came into view. I saw the pale-yellow lights reflecting on the exterior. Sunny would be waiting not so patiently. I gulped the feelings away, so Ben couldn’t see what he was doing to me. He was holding a match in his hand. Ready to strike. When we reached the top of the stairs, he got in my face. There was a flame in his eyes, and it was directed at me. “Charlotte, you shouldn’t have to defend Philip, not to me or to yourself. He’s my friend and I love the hell out of him, but I’m not sure he’s giving you all you need, and I think you know it, too.”