There's Something About Sweetie(75)

“No, don’t worry,” Gita Kaki said, already turning away. “Rishi, pani?”

Ashish rolled his eyes behind her back. “I’ll have a Pepsi if you have one, Kaki.”

She nodded and kept walking.

“The bad thing about her confusing me with Rishi is that she thinks I have all his gross eating and drinking habits too. Everything vegetarian, only water, the guy even likes spinach.”

“So by ‘gross’ you mean ‘healthy,’” Sweetie clarified, coming to sit by him on the couch.

He snorted. “If you want to call it that.” He turned to her after checking that Gita Kaki was still gone. “Hey, fair warning—don’t, um, stare when she shows you her … pet room.”

Sweetie raised her eyebrows. “She has a pet room? What kinds of pets?”

But before Ashish could respond, Gita Kaki was back with their drinks on a silver tray.

They’d each drunk a few sips when Gita Kaki said, “So, Dimple. You’ve put some meat on your bones at college!”

Ashish froze, horror-struck. Oh God, no. “Gita Kaki,” he said firmly. “This is Sweetie. And she’s perfect as she is.” Sweetie looked really uncomfortable. She wouldn’t even meet his eye. Burning with anger, he took her hand.

“Sweetie?” Gita Kaki frowned. “What happened to Dimple?”

Ashish sighed. “I’m not Rishi. I’m Ashish. Sunita and Kartik’s second son. Remember?”

Gita Kaki laughed. “Oh, yes, yes, of course! I’m sorry. You know, my spectacles aren’t … uh …” She trailed off and took a sip of what looked like mango juice. “She’s very pretty,” Gita Kaki said suddenly. “I always like when women have curves. It’s real! Not like those spaghetti noodles!”

“Um, yes,” Ashish said, feeling his cheeks heat. “Me too.” What a freaking weird-ass conversation. He sneaked a glance at Sweetie and saw her trying to hold back a smile as she sipped her juice. Well, now was as good a time as any, he guessed. “So, Gita Kaki. I was wondering if Sweetie and I could visit your, uh, pets?”

Sweetie looked at him in surprise, probably wondering what was going on. He tried to hold back his grin. Ha. Ha, ha, ha! She’d see soon enough.

“My pets …,” Gita Kaki said wonderingly. Then her gaze sharpened. “Ashish.”

He waited, but there didn’t seem to be any more forthcoming. “Uh … yes?”

“Do you know what the next big thing is going to be in courier services?”

Courier … services? What the heck? This was so not the steal-the-keys-to-Sweetie’s-heart plan they’d discussed on the phone. He raised his eyebrows. “No?”

“Parrots.” Gita Kaki nodded firmly. “Yes.”

Ashish and Sweetie exchanged a glance.

“Parrots?” Sweetie asked, still polite as ever, as if this were all totally normal. Ashish wondered when she’d make a run for it.

“Yes, yes, parrots,” Gita Kaki said testily, waving her hand, as if they were the difficult ones. Then she sat forward, her eyes gleaming. “See, unlike carrier pigeons, they wouldn’t need to be trained to carry anything. Not to mention the money people would save on paper and ink! Do you know why?”

Ashish had a million questions. Why were they suddenly talking about this, for cripes’ sake? Why did Gita Kaki think bird courier services were making a comeback? Was this some sort of hipster trend for the elderly? But he stuck with the simplest response. “No. Um, why?” He didn’t dare look at Sweetie.

“Because you could just train the parrots to say whatever the message was! You know, ‘happy birthday,’ ‘happy anniversary,’ ‘happy, er, Doughnut Day,’ what have you!” She cackled happily. Then, snapping her attention to Ashish, she said, “Ashish. What’s that song you kids all like?”

He stared at her. “Um …”

“The song, the song!” she said, getting irritated. Oh God. This was going to turn into an even bigger circus.

“Oh, um, ‘Happy Birthday’?” Ashish said, grasping at straws.

“No, not ‘Happy Birthday’!” Gita Kaki said, agitated. “Oh, I know! ‘Macarena’! Sing that for me, Ashish. Sing it!”

“Gita Kaki, I have no idea what song that i—”

“Now, Ashish! Sing it!” she yelled, clapping her hands kind of savagely.

He stared at her. And then he started to sing. “Um … we all go to the Macarena … um, woo-hoo …”

A strange snorting sound emanated from Sweetie. Ashish darted a glance at her and noticed she was holding her glass of juice in front of her mouth and looking steadfastly down at the carpet.

Gita Kaki waved him off. “That’s not ‘Macarena’!” she said dismissively.

Of course it’s not freaking “Macarena”; I don’t know what that is! Ashish wanted to say. But Gita Kaki was already talking to Sweetie. “You see, Sweetie, even a complex song like that could be taught to the right parrot! They’re so intelligent!”

Sweetie nodded politely, though Ashish could see the sparkle in her eye. Oh, man. He was going to catch so much crap for this later. “So are you going to start up a courier business, then? With the parrots?”