The Things We Cannot Say(66)

That meant Tomasz would sit hidden in the cellar beneath his sister while she sat at the dining room table to chat with her new family. I knew this was very difficult for him. I could see the strain on his face on Sunday mornings before they arrived, and the refreshed grief in the evenings after they’d gone.

“This is still better than being so far away from her,” he murmured to me one day, when I opened the latch after she’d gone. “But I can’t wait for the day when I can hug her again.”

“I will hug her for you until that day comes,” I promised him. After that day, every time I hugged her at the dining room table I’d tell her, “This hug is from Tomasz, little sister,” and she’d always grin at me.

“Are you sure he’s still okay, Alina?” she’d ask me.

“Of course I am,” I said, only this time, I was actually telling the truth.

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because he promised, silly, and he would never break a promise to me.”

And that ritual became a part of the rhythm of our life for those weeks. At night, I’d stay up until it was time for Tomasz to leave again, just so we could share a chaste kiss in front of my parents as he left for the night.

“Stay safe,” I’d whisper to him, as he slipped out the door to leave. And he’d always turn back to me and offer me the same determined, confident smile before he disappeared into the night, as if the reality that he was not safe at all was some minor detail I needn’t worry about.



CHAPTER 21

Alice


I’m nervous about telling Callie that I’m leaving, until it occurs to me that I’ve yet to tell Mom, and I still have to figure out how to tell Eddie—so Callie is actually the easiest person I need to talk to today. I’m driving to her Saturday morning ballet class, but I look up in the rearview mirror to find her sitting perfectly still, looking down at the book on her lap. It’s a textbook—maybe her French one. Her golden blond hair is in a thick bun right on top of her head, and she looks serene and more focused than any ten-year-old child has a right to be.

“Callie,” I say brightly. “Guess what? I’m going on a trip.”

“Oh?” she says mildly. Her gaze passes briefly between me and Eddie, who’s staring out the window, but she’s already looking back to the textbook as she asks, “Where are you guys going?”

“Just me,” I clarify. “I’m going to Poland.”

Callie slams her book shut and I can feel her eyes boring holes in the back of my head as I watch the road.

“Without Eddie?” she says, aghast.

“Daddy is going to look after Eddie for a few days. He’ll be fine,” I say. I meet Callie’s eyes briefly in the rear vision mirror. She blinks at me.

“Mom. Daddy will most certainly not be fine with Eddie for a few days. Does Dad know the first thing about Eddie’s life? He doesn’t even use the AAC. And he can’t work the coffee machine, and you know what Dad is like in the mornings if he doesn’t get his coffee. And you’ve seen what he does when he tries to cook. Oh—and please, don’t even get me started on my life—Daddy won’t know where to take me or when to pick me up...no. This won’t do at all, Mom. I mean, I love Daddy very much but he’s hardly equipped for this.”

I would definitely feel guilty in this moment if Callie’s outrage wasn’t so damned hilarious. I try to keep my expression mild, but I fail to hide my amusement, and as the smile breaks through, I let myself go and I actually start to laugh.

Callie does not echo my laughter with her own. When I glance in the mirror again, she’s an adorable mix of outraged and anxious.

“Callie Michaels,” I chuckle. “You will all be fine without me for a few days. You can help Dad with Eddie’s routine. You can teach Dad how to use the AAC when he finally realizes he needs to—and you know what, honey bear, I’m actually a bit jealous that you’ll probably get to see that moment and I won’t.”

“Mom. Please. That is not going to be funny. Dad’s been refusing to use the AAC for years.”

“Exactly. But he’s never had to manage Eddie’s routine on his own, and you know as well as I do that without the AAC—there is just no way to do that.”

Callie falls silent. I glance at her in the mirror again and find she’s staring out the window. She looks genuinely scared.

“It will be okay, honey bear,” I say softly.

“I don’t like this, Mom,” she says.

“I need to do this for Babcia and, frankly, having heard that little speech you just gave, I think I need to do it for you too.”

“Now I know you’ve lost your mind. You think you’re abandoning your family for me?” She’s scowling at me now, and I can tell she’s preparing to launch a full-throttled pout.

“One day, baby girl, you could have a family of your own, if you want one. And I don’t want you to think that becoming a mom means your entire existence has to revolve around your kids and partner. Our circumstances are difficult, but that’s not really an excuse. Daddy and I haven’t been very good role models for you in having a balanced family life.” I draw in a deep breath, then I admit, “Besides, this really matters to me. I’m nervous about leaving you guys, but I need to do it.”