The Things We Cannot Say(41)

He sighed, but wouldn’t allow distance to grow between us—in fact, he leaned forward and rested his forehead against mine, then he closed his eyes. I closed mine too, and for a moment, we sat together in the silence.

“Everyone, Alina. I wish I didn’t have to tell you this, but I am in trouble with everyone,” he whispered hesitantly. “The Poles...the Nazis...it feels like I have managed to anger the whole world.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck, wanting to hold him closer, but I opened my eyes to stare at him.

“What on earth did you do?” I asked him hesitantly.

“I made some mistakes in Warsaw,” he admitted. “I’ve been trying to make up for them ever since. I’m still trying.” I waited for him to tell me, but after a moment, he opened his eyes and turned away, exhaled shakily, then glanced back to me, his gaze pleading. “I don’t want to talk about that now, Alina—please don’t ask me to. There will be time for those discussions later. I just want to hold you, and for five minutes in this godforsaken war, feel like life is worth living again.”

I could see the desperation in his gaze, and it broke my heart a little.

“Why stare when you could kiss me?” I asked him. He brought his lips back to mine then, and it was everything I’d missed and everything I’d needed over his absence. Home, I kept thinking, I’m home, which made no sense at all since I’d been stuck within my home for what felt like forever by that stage. But Tomasz’s arms were a different kind of home—and I’d been homesick for that embrace for so long. When we broke apart some minutes later, he cupped my face in his hands again to stare into my eyes.

“Alina, you know I’ll always find you? Promise me you know that. I don’t know what’s ahead of us—but when we’re apart, there’s only one thing on my mind, and that’s getting back to my girl.”

“I know. I feel the same,” I promised him, and he kissed me once more.

“Now, you really need to tell me how you found me. Have I been careless?”

“I didn’t find you. I was going to Nadia Nowak’s house,” I said. He stiffened immediately and pulled away from me just a little.

“Why were you going there?”

“Justyna heard her parents arguing, and they said something about Nadia...something about you...” I said, warily. Tomasz exhaled, then shifted away from me just a little. He was obviously troubled by this news, and I touched the back of my hand to his cheek gently.

“Alina,” he said, glancing at me warily. “What do you know of Nadia Nowak?”

“What do you mean? Of course I know her. She’s Ola’s sister and... I know her husband has died and her children are mostly taken...” He was still staring at me, warily, but I shook my head. “Tomasz, I don’t understand? What do you mean?”

“That is all you know?” he pressed, and I frowned.

“What else is there?”

“I have to ask you to stay away from Nadia’s place, please. And you must stay well away from Jan Golaszewski.”

“I was only going to Nadia’s to ask after you, Tomasz. I have been so desperate for news, and this was the first hint of any I’d had in all of this time, so I had to try. And Father has long forbidden me from visiting Justyna at home and he keeps me so busy I barely even talk to her in the fields, so you have no concerns there, either,” I told him softly. He nodded, then he pulled me close again and he pressed his face into my hair. “Tell me...tell me everything. Please, Tomasz. Where are you hiding?”

He hesitated only a moment before he admitted, “Just in the woods for now. I wanted so much to let you know I was okay and that I was here, but... I was scared doing so would endanger you. I thought if I waited here, I could keep an eye on your family and do what I could to be sure you were safe. And I have seen Emilia walking past on Sundays, so this...it is a very good spot for me. I am close and safe, but not endangering any of you by my presence.”

“Tomasz, it’s the woods!” I said, shocked. “There is nowhere to hide here, no protection from the weather. You can’t possibly stay here!”

“I have a few spots where I can make myself invisible. The woods are too small for anyone else to bother hiding here, so it’s not like the Nazis are sweeping the place every day. For the time being, it’s fine.”

“How do you sleep?”

He offered me a fond look at the concern in my tone.

“I manage, Alina.”

“And food, how do you—” I was thinking through the logistics of his situation, and the more it sank in, the more scared I was.

“Please don’t worry about me. There are so many who are far worse off than I am.”

“Mama always says the same,” I said, suddenly frustrated. “But Tomasz, just because our suffering isn’t the worst, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t count.” I kissed him once more, hard and fast. “Promise me you’ll be safe.”

“I will,” he said, but he said it too lightly, and I gripped his collar tight again.

“You don’t understand, Tomasz. I just couldn’t bear it if anything happened to you. Promise me and mean it.”

“I do understand,” he assured me patiently. There was the sudden glimmer of tears in his eyes and his arms around me tightened. “The first night I came back here, I came to your window. I couldn’t make myself look inside. I was too scared to look because I wasn’t sure you would be there and...when I finally saw you sleeping, Alina, peaceful and healthy and...safe...and you were so damned beautiful I...couldn’t even... I can’t even...” His voice broke, and he clutched my upper arms tightly in his grip. A tear fell from his eye and ran down his cheek, and I started to cry too. I understood the moment he was describing because I was living it myself, even as he described it. “I don’t even have enough words to tell you about that relief, moje wszystko. Suffice to say that I was so relieved I wept that night. I promise you, I will only take the risks I have to, because I truly understand how much it matters to you that I’m safe.”