The Stranger in the Mirror(61)
I’ve slept all day. I need to get up and dressed, pull myself together and think this through. Maybe together, Julian and I can figure out a way to deal with this. I hear the garage doors open. I walk to the landing and call down, “Julian? Is that you?”
He appears, looking up at me, and as he climbs the stairs I can see from the look on his face that something is wrong. He is holding something in his hands, and when he is almost at the top I see that it is Valentina’s stuffed elephant. When he reaches the landing where I stand, he holds the stuffed animal out to me without saying a word. I cry out when I see the mutilated elephant, its stuffing ripped partway out and the knife embedded in it. This is Valentina’s favorite toy, the one she sleeps with every night. What have I done? Trembling, I run to the bathroom and vomit into the toilet. My stomach is empty but keeps heaving. Tears and snot run down my face as I gag and cough, and I rest my head on the toilet’s edge. Julian sits behind me and lays his hand on my back, but I cannot be comforted. Finally it seems I am spent, and Julian hands me a towel to wipe my face.
“Where is Valentina? Is she all right?” I ask him, terrified of what he is going to tell me.
“She’s at Nancy’s house. I took her there after I picked her up from school.”
Relief floods through me. “Where did you find the elephant?”
“It was in our bed this morning. You were holding it next to you.” His voice is sad.
“I went to her room and took it? I don’t remember. How can I not remember?”
He gets up from the floor and takes my hand to help me up. His voice is comforting. “You need to go back to bed and get some rest. I’ll stay with you for a while.”
Once I’m back in bed, Julian drags one of the easy chairs near to the bed and sits. I close my eyes and pray for sleep, but it doesn’t come. I toss and turn, and all of a sudden, a light comes on and Julian is standing next to the bed. “Take this. It’s a sleeping pill.” He hands me a white capsule and a glass of water. I swallow the pill and lie back, waiting for it to take effect. Within a few minutes, my eyes close.
It starts softly and grows louder, a high-pitched woman’s voice with a thick southern accent, different from before. She’s crazy. She’s gonna hurt that girl. We need to kill her. Kill her. The deep raspy voice speaks again. Evil lives inside you, Cassandra. You must kill the evil before it kills Valentina. As long as you live, Valentina is in danger. Death. The cure is death.
“Julian, Julian, help me!” I scream. He is at my side immediately, his hands pressing on my shoulders, trying to restrain me as I twist and turn.
He turns the lamp on, and I cover my eyes with my hand to shield them from the light. “The voices again?” he says.
“You heard them, too, didn’t you?” I plead, but I can see from his face that he has not.
“What did they tell you this time?”
“They said I’m going to hurt Valentina and that I have evil inside me.” I look at him and try to hold back the tears. “They said I should kill myself.”
Julian gives me a sad look and nods slowly. “I don’t know how to help you anymore.” He wipes a tear from his cheek. “We’ve tried everything. As much as I love you, I have to think of Valentina.”
I rocket to a sitting position and look at him in horror. “You think I should do it?” I whisper.
He chokes back a sob. “I think it’s the only way. There really is no hope that I can see. I’m not sure there’s any way you can get well, and eventually you will hurt Valentina, the way you almost did before. I know you love her and want to protect her. The only way she will be safe is if you’re gone.”
Julian’s voice is smooth, mesmerizing, and I nod as I wrap my arms around my body, rocking back and forth. It’s like listening to a poem, and I want him to go on talking in that soothing, rhythmic way. This must be the answer. I can’t endure this torture for another day, the guilt of having killed someone and the fear of hurting the one I love the most.
“Now, my darling. I’ll support you in finding the peace that has eluded you all your life,” he tells me. “No more pain, no more hurt, no more tears.”
“What will you tell Valentina?” I ask.
“I’ll tell her it was an accident. Valentina will remember you as the wonderful Cassandra I tell her about. How much better for her to grow up with the memory of a dead adoring mother than a living woman who wishes her harm. You want that for her, don’t you?”
“I do, Julian. But I can’t leave her without saying goodbye. Can I give you something you can show her when she’s old enough?”
“Of course.”
He leads me to the desk, pulls out a fresh page of stationery, and hands me a pen. I look up at him. “Now I’m not sure what I want to say.”
“Okay, I’ll help you.”
He dictates as he walks around the room, and I write:
My dearest Julian,
Please forgive me, but I can no longer live in this tortured state. I’ve tried everything to get better, but nothing helps. For a long time I was able to hide it. But now, the voices won’t be silenced. They come to me almost constantly. They are relentless and they urge me to do bad things. All night they shout at me to kill my child, that she is evil and must be removed from the world. I can’t endure it any longer. While I still retain a tenuous and fleeting hold on reality, I must do the only thing that will keep you and Valentina safe. Please tell her that I love her with all my heart and that all I do is for her. One day she will understand.