The Spitfire Girls(70)

‘I shouldn’t be alive,’ Tom said, holding her hand now, fingers intertwining with hers. ‘There are men here that’ve lost limbs, or they’re so badly burnt or . . .’

Her heart broke as he sucked back a breath. The pain within him was palpable, and she knew no words could change the way he felt. Just like no words could change the pain inside her when she thought of the little baby she’d lost, the baby she’d been so excited about.

‘I’m so lucky, I have you and I’m going to be fine. That’s all I need,’ Tom said.

She nodded, holding his hand tight. It must be a strange thing, surviving a near-death experience, and she couldn’t imagine what he’d been through.

‘Something’s wrong with you, too,’ he said, rubbing her hand with his thumb. ‘Are you all right?’

She froze. She’d been so careful, so certain that he wouldn’t detect anything different about her. ‘I’m just exhausted from getting here and from worrying about you,’ she told him. She wasn’t lying: both were true. ‘I still can’t believe you’re alive.’

‘Thinking about you, about getting back to you, was all that kept me going, Ruby. I had to walk for so long until I reached Belgium. I was shot flying back after we bombed Cologne, and I just kept seeing your face. I hate to think what state I was in when the Resistance found me, but they’re running quite the operation saving Allied airmen,’ he said, the huskiness of his voice pulling her closer, making her want to hold him and look after him and never let him go. ‘We have them to thank for getting me home, that’s for sure. Without them I’d have never made it back.’

She bent and touched her forehead to his, eyes shut as she took a deep, shuddering breath.

‘Now tell me what’s wrong, because I know you’re keeping something from me.’

‘I was pregnant,’ she whispered, not even sure that she wanted to tell him. But the words just spilled out, and relief washed over her. Holding the knowledge to her heart and keeping it a secret had felt wrong.

She felt Tom go still, before he finally whispered back, ‘Were?’

Ruby ducked her head to his chest, fighting tears. She’d been wracked with guilt from the moment she’d found out he was alive, and now she was going to have to tell Tom why. Her hand instinctively went to her stomach, something she’d done a lot when he’d been missing and she had felt such a strong connection to the baby, but now she quickly pulled her hand away. She had to keep reminding herself that there was nothing there.

‘When I found out you were missing, I had this horrible thought,’ she confessed. ‘I’d been so excited about my little secret and I’d been planning how to tell you . . .’ Ruby gulped. ‘But then . . . all I could think was that I’d rather have you than the baby. I didn’t truly mean it, but I kept thinking it and . . .’ Her voice trailed off.

Tom didn’t say anything, but when she looked up, finally braving his gaze, she didn’t see the disappointment she’d expected. ‘Sweetheart, I’d pray to have you back, too. You don’t have anything to feel guilty about.’

‘But to bargain for you over our baby?’ she asked. ‘Doesn’t that make me a horrible person?’

He stroked her face gently. ‘No, it makes you human,’ he said. ‘I love you, and if I had to choose you over a baby that wasn’t born yet? It’d be you every time, Ruby, I promise.’

Relief pulsed through her and she fought the urge to cry. The past two days had been overwhelming; what with hours of flying, then losing the baby, finding out about Tom and travelling to be with him, she doubted she’d had more than a few hours’ sleep.

‘If our baby had been born, if you’d held the child in your arms, you’d never have had to bargain me over him or her, Ruby,’ he whispered as she shut her eyes, tears escaping and wetting his shirt. ‘I promise you, we’ll get pregnant again. What you did hasn’t changed whether or not we’ll have a family, and your thoughts aren’t that powerful, sweetheart. It’s not your fault that you lost the baby. Some things just aren’t meant to be, no matter how cruel that sounds.’

Tom’s arms soothed her, but when he groaned, she realised she was leaning on his chest.

‘Am I hurting you?’ she asked.

‘Ah, a little,’ he said, grimacing. ‘Tuck in here with me until we get caught.’

Ruby brushed her tears away and did her best to lie beside him, his good arm around her as she snuggled close.

‘How much leave do you have?’ Tom asked.

‘Only three days,’ she said. ‘Less if we have to make our second trip back to Colerne before then, for the second lot of Spitfires to be sent to Malta.’ It was the first time she’d resented work; all she wanted was for her and Tom to cocoon themselves away together until she knew he was going to be all right. Until she was convinced that she was going to be all right.

‘Then let’s get married before you go back,’ he whispered.

She hiccupped a noise that didn’t even sound like it belonged to her. ‘Here?’ she managed.

‘I don’t care where. All I know is that I want to marry you,’ Tom said. ‘I should be dead, Ruby, but I’ve been given a second chance. This war, it’s changed things, and after almost dying out there? Marrying you is the only thing I’m sure about.’