The Spitfire Girls(24)

As they stood, her with her helmet tucked beneath her arm and May with her arms crossed, looking skyward, she admired the way the Halifax hurtled down the runway then lifted high into the sky. It was a big beast to get off the ground, but surprisingly elegant to fly once it was airborne, and she itched to be back behind the controls again, learning to anticipate the power and speed of her new favourite plane.

‘She’s not better than you,’ May said, breaking the silence. ‘You do know that I’m serious, don’t you?’

Ruby smiled. ‘I appreciate your confidence in me, Commander.’

May’s words were easy to hear, but actually believing them was something else. Every day, no matter how well she’d done the day before, nerves wracked her, sometimes leaving her bent over the toilet, silently vomiting as she battled with whether or not she was good enough. Working alongside Lizzie was a daily, if not hourly, struggle for her. And Tom’s letters weren’t exactly helping, reminding her that she’d always had him as her co-pilot whenever she’d tried something new or different. You need me up there with you. You’ve never had to make decisions on your own if conditions change or if something doesn’t go to plan. What if you see a Luftwaffe plane or your engine stalls?

‘Do you want to be the first to officially fly a four-engine bomber for the ATA?’ May asked, turning to face her. ‘Do you actually want it, Ruby, or are you just going through the motions?’

‘You know I want it,’ Ruby said. ‘It would be . . .’

‘Then start acting like it,’ said May abruptly, looking irritated, her tone sharp. ‘It’s time you started believing in yourself, otherwise everyone supporting you will start to question whether you deserve your place here or not.’

‘Yes, ma’am,’ Ruby quickly replied.

Had it been so obvious that her confidence had been leaking out of her each day? She swallowed. May was right; she did need to start believing in herself more, without her superior constantly bolstering her. She’d been hand-picked for the conversion programme, and she needed to act like she wanted to win if she was going to stay in the race. Ruby kept her thoughts to herself and her eyes on the sky, hoping she wouldn’t give May reason to be so short with her again.

Lizzie flew the course perfectly as always, and Ruby watched as she touched down, bringing the big, heavy bird in like it was the easiest thing in the world. If only she could watch herself from where May was standing, maybe she’d be able to see that she did it just as well as her American colleague.

‘Have you heard from Tom since you transferred here?’ May asked, surprising her.

‘Yes, actually,’ Ruby replied. ‘I received a lovely letter from him a few days ago.’

May caught her eye. ‘Saying?’

‘Something along the lines of how terribly I’d affected his mother’s health, that she was furious with me, and he was worried how we’d all get along once the war was over if I didn’t end my flying pursuits and hurry back home.’ She didn’t tell May that he’d also suggested it was ridiculous for her to think herself capable of flying a huge bomber, when half the highly trained male pilots he knew weren’t cleared to fly them.

May grimaced. ‘So he’s still being as supportive as ever?’

‘When the war is over, my darling, I’ll encourage you to fly and soar the skies beside me, but you’re interfering with the natural division between the sexes. Men are supposed to be away at war and the women at home waiting for them, not flying along with us,’ Ruby quoted, hating that she was struggling not to cry. ‘Honestly, sometimes I wonder how I ever fell in love with the man.’

‘The best thing you can do is prove him wrong,’ May said. ‘Prove everyone wrong, his mother included, and one day they’ll be able to see the woods for the trees.’

‘I just wish he could see me fly,’ Ruby said, sighing as she thought about Tom and the flights they’d had together before the war, about how encouraging he’d been of her abilities back then. ‘Honestly, I think if he saw me in the air, if he saw the work we’re doing here each day, I think he’d understand. But his mother has her claws in deep, and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can say.’

‘She asked him to call the engagement off, didn’t she?’

Ruby felt her cheeks burning. ‘Yes.’

‘But he hasn’t, has he?’ observed May. ‘So maybe she doesn’t have quite as much influence over him as you think. Maybe he’s just saying what he thinks he has to say. He’ll come around, and if he doesn’t, he wasn’t good enough for you in the first place.’

‘Perhaps.’

Maybe May was right; maybe there was still a chance of making him understand. Ruby certainly didn’t want him to end their engagement, but if he threatened it directly? She grimaced.

‘You’re not still thinking about last week, are you?’ May asked, with a quick sideways look. ‘Because as far as I’m concerned, it never happened.’

Ruby gulped. ‘No, ma’am,’ she said, shutting her eyes in embarrassment at the memory of her first time piloting the ginormous Halifax. Lizzie had managed to get into her head; she’d lost all her confidence and buckled under the pressure.

Don’t let her rattle you, don’t let her rattle you, Ruby chanted in her head, gripping the controls as she rocketed down the runway and took off.