The Silent Ones: An absolutely gripping psychological thriller(54)

‘It’s not in your job description to save everyone, you know,’ she said. ‘You’re allowed to follow the evidence too, and you’re allowed to come home and relax at the end of the day. Now, I’ll check on the risotto and you make a deal with yourself to take a break.’

She took her wine with her, and a few seconds later, Dana heard plates and cutlery clinking in the kitchen. Lizzie wanted the best for her, that much was obvious.

Dana knew her own faults; she knew she’d often become over-involved in complex cases in the past, and eventually that had been her downfall. Now it was starting to happen again.

But this time she felt another feeling deep in her bones that refused to be ignored, and that was this new chance of happiness in her own life. Her blossoming relationship with Lizzie was like a small flame that needed to be nurtured and given the time and space to grow.

There wasn’t time to save the world as well.

Lizzie was right, she thought, picking up her wine and heading for the kitchen. Maybe it was finally time to put herself first.





Thirty-Nine





Juliet





I finally collapse exhausted into my temporary bed at the centre around 9 p.m.

Soon as I’m horizontal, my exhaustion disappears and my brain starts to zing with a thousand awful thoughts.

I’m too warm, tossing and turning this way and that. At least I have the small double bed to myself. Tom decided to take the business information over to Beth and then stay in a cheap Premier Inn near home and the lock-up. He couldn’t possibly stay in the house with everything that was happening there.

‘I can keep an eye on what’s happening and speak to the chief fire officer and the police. Plus I can call in at Beth’s in the morning and check up on Josh too,’ he said.

It makes perfect sense really, but I can’t help feeling there’s something he’s battling with on his own.

‘I’ve looked at Maddy’s phone and there are a few text messages on there that don’t really make any sense to me. I’ve called the number they came from and there’s just a recorded message saying the call cannot be put through. There’s nothing on there the police need to know, anyway.’

I feel relieved at this news but I’m so angry about the incident with the missing money from Mum’s purse. Why wouldn’t Tom share that with me? He might think he’s doing me a favour, but the way it’s come out has caused far more distress in the long run.

I will confront him about it, but I want to do that face to face. Speaking on the phone is too ambiguous. I need to see his expression, hear his voice when he responds.

Tom emailed the school, and the head replied out of hours. She has agreed it’s probably best if Josh stays away until things quieten down a little. Tomorrow they’re going to provide him with some work to do at home, to keep him occupied and to ensure he won’t fall behind the rest of his class. I don’t want to think about how he’s going to feel going back there, not after how the other kids, including those he counted as mates, taunted him so cruelly on the coach.

Before he left to get the stuff for Beth, Tom lifted my chin gently with his hand and kissed my nose.

‘We will get through this, you know,’ he said. I nodded to make him feel better, but he looked at me even more intensely. ‘It’s really important you hear what I’m saying, Jules. I mean really hear me. Whatever challenges are ahead, we can get through them together. I want you to remember that and hold onto it, no matter what happens.’

I lowered my eyes and took a step back. His words seemed loaded with something unsaid, and the feeling it gave me made me want to turn and run.

Thinking about all this has got the negative stuff churning away in my guts again. The rising panic, the building dread, it’s all there in my solar plexus, gathering strength and getting ready to make a break for it.

Anxiety.

Despite going back on the tablets, I can feel I’m really in trouble this time, and I don’t know how long I can keep pushing the feeling away.

I’m overwhelmed but trying to put on a brave face so I’m no trouble to anyone around me. I look up at the clean white ceiling and try to breathe deeply. I wonder how many other mothers have lain here, looking up and dreading the dawn of the next day, unsure what will happen to their child.

I can’t get Maddy’s pleading face out of my head. They let us kiss the girls goodnight but said it wasn’t possible for us to stay in the same room. She had on her own pyjamas that my parents brought from their house. She keeps the red and white Christmas ones there, insisting on wearing them all year round.

Someone had neatly combed her hair and she looked so vulnerable… so innocent.

Carol said, ‘Kiss your mum and then we can read your book together before bed.’

Maddy held onto me tightly, quietly sobbing, her hair becoming damp and messy around her hollow face.

‘I don’t want to go, Mummy, I want to stay with you.’

I pulled her close and we locked ourselves together until I finally had to let her go.

Now I’m lying here trying to imagine what life will be like if we can’t take Maddy home again, if our family is broken into tiny pieces that can never be put back together.

The physical pain in my chest is unbearable; the thought of losing my daughter is an ache like no other.