The Secret Mother(52)

He stirs. I look away quickly and close my eyes.

‘Tess? You awake?’

I stretch and open my eyes again. He turns towards me and props himself up on one elbow. Dips his head to kiss my mouth, and the fire inside me begins to glow once more. But I can’t do this, I remind myself. I pull away.

‘I… I’d better go,’ I stammer, my voice too high. ‘What’s the time?’

‘Who cares what the time is.’ His hand comes beneath the covers to rest on my hip, and I realise I’m naked.

‘Sorry, Ben,’ I say, shifting away from him and out of the bed, looking around for my clothes. ‘I ought to get back home. I’ve got work tomorrow morning, in case you’d forgotten.’ I’m trying to keep my voice light, but it sounds a little hysterical to my ears.

‘Tess, what’s wrong? Come back to bed. Stay here, then you’ll already be at work for tomorrow.’

‘Honestly, I can’t. I need to go home.’ Where’s that jokey attitude I wanted to project? Why do I sound like I want to get as far away from him as possible, when in fact the opposite is true?

Ben sits up as I awkwardly pull on my jeans and jumper, clutching my underwear in my hands. ‘Have I… done something wrong?’ he says. ‘Did you not want to…?’

‘Oh, Ben, no. Tonight has been amazing,’ I say. ‘More than amazing.’

‘So stay.’

‘I can’t. I can’t do any more than… this. We can’t be together or anything. Not that I’m suggesting you want us to be together. I just mean, tonight was wonderful, but let’s not make things complicated. I work for you, remember?’

‘There’s nothing complicated about it,’ he says. ‘I told you before, I like you. That hasn’t changed.’

‘I like you too,’ I reply, taking a step towards the door. ‘But I have a lot going on in my life right now. Heavy stuff.’

‘So share it with me. I’m a good listener.’

My brain is still fuzzy from sleep. I wouldn’t know where to begin telling Ben what’s been going on, he only knows the half of it. The rest would send him bolting in the other direction, I’m sure. ‘It’s not something I can talk about at the moment. Let’s stay friends, yeah?’

‘Friends.’ His voice is flat, dull. ‘Fine.’

‘Ben? Are we okay?’

‘Yep, fine.’

Shit. ‘You sound… Never mind. I’ll see you in a few hours, at work.’

‘Okay.’

I’ve screwed up big-time. He’s already pulling away from me. Why did I sleep with him? He’s too nice a guy to be messed around. I can’t let myself think about how it felt to be with him. How everything bad fell away for those moments. But it wasn’t real. And it wouldn’t last. Better to stop it now before it goes any further. I just wish I didn’t like him so much, I wish I could enjoy the moment. But I know how easy it would be to fall for Ben, and after Scott… how can I trust anyone again? Anyway, once Ben realises what a mess I am, he’s bound to lose interest, and I can’t put myself through all that. I’m not strong enough.

‘I’m sorry,’ I say.

‘Me too.’

I turn away and walk out the door.

I only had a few sips of wine, so I’m fine to drive home. The journey is short, the roads deserted. Once I’m through my front door, I trudge straight upstairs and curl up in my bed. I’m desperate to play back every wonderful moment of last night, but too scared to let myself think about it in case I do something stupid, like jump in the car again and head straight back to Ben.



* * *



At 8 a.m. I’m on my way back to Moretti’s. I’m not used to being out so early on a Sunday morning. The roads are quieter than usual, dark and cold. Just the sound of my footsteps and the occasional whoosh of a car going past – maybe people going to work, but more likely coming home from a night out.

I must have had about three hours’ sleep in total last night, but I’m too wired to feel tired. In addition to all the stuff going on with Fisher, I now have this extra guilt over last night, setting my guts swirling and my teeth on edge. I’m so nervous about seeing Ben this morning at work. God, I’m such a cliché. Going to bed with my boss and then regretting it. But the truth is, I don’t regret it. Not at all. I’m just scared of the weirdness it’s going to create between us.

At work, I keep myself busy, keep my head down, hardly stopping to draw breath, talking to customers without really hearing what they’re saying, going about my daily tasks without paying any attention to what I’m actually doing. I’ve already said hi to Jez and Janet, and to Shanaz, a college student who only works weekends and holidays, but Ben is nowhere to be seen. He’s obviously keeping a low profile – I don’t blame him.

I’m half tempted to go and ring on his doorbell, to try to set things straight. But my palms go clammy at the thought of it. No, I’ll probably only make things worse. Best to leave it, let the dust settle. Maybe by tomorrow the awkwardness will have passed. Or not.

Carolyn arrives at lunchtime and I’m finally able to leave. I suppose I could have swapped the whole day with her – it would have been easier – but I’ve never missed a Sunday at the cemetery. It’s something I have to do for my children, or I’d feel I was letting them down somehow. Abandoning them. I couldn’t save them in life, but I can at least be there for them in death.