The Saints of Swallow Hill(103)

She said, “It’s a nice evening.”

“It sure is.”

“You know, I couldn’t have children.”

Rae Lynn stopped rocking. “You couldn’t?”

“No. Something else Otis didn’t let me forget.”

“Is it hard delivering someone else’s baby?”

Cornelia sighed. “It don’t bother me too much.”

Rae Lynn said, “Me and Warren tried, but it didn’t never happen. He was older, but he’d had Eugene, so I figured it must be me.”

“Maybe not. Only one way to know.”

Rae Lynn laughed and said, “Now, don’t you start.”

They rocked for a bit, and after a while, Cornelia reached over and held Rae Lynn’s hand. At first, Rae Lynn thought nothing of it. It was only a grateful, shared moment passing between the two of them for how things had turned out. But Cornelia didn’t let go and when her thumb began to lightly stroke the back of Rae Lynn’s hand, she grew uncomfortable. She wanted to pull away, but didn’t want to hurt Cornelia’s feelings. A tiny noise, like a hiccup, broke the silence.

Rae Lynn said, “Nellie?”

“I’m fine. I’m fine.”

Rae Lynn didn’t push, but she knew good and well Cornelia was crying.

She pulled her hand from Cornelia’s and said, “Ain’t you happy? At least happier here than before?”

Cornelia wiped her eyes.

“Some days, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I get these moments, though, when I get to thinking too hard on things.”

“What things?”

Cornelia wouldn’t meet Rae Lynn’s eyes when she said, “You ever think back on what happened at Swallow Hill?”

“Every day. Why I thought I could pull off that harebrained idea. The only good thing to come out of it was meeting you and Del.”

“I’m talking about a particular thing.”

“The sweat box?”

“No, though I think a lot about that too, how you almost didn’t make it. I’m talking about what happened in the kitchen, why Otis went nuts.”

“Oh.”

In the dim light of the evening, Rae Lynn saw how well Cornelia hid within herself, but she wasn’t hiding now. The same look she’d got before radiated from her without restraint.

Cornelia said, “I know it ain’t the same for you. It’s all right. Truth is, I can’t help myself, how I feel. I can’t. I thought if I tell you my own secret, like you told me about Warren, maybe I can try to accept my lot in life, such as it is.”

Rae Lynn didn’t know what to say, other than, “All right.”

“I liked someone once, back when I was sixteen. Her name was Rebecca. We started spending time together. She liked coming to my house because her daddy was so strict, and she was afraid of him. She came to the house one afternoon, and Mama was busy working in the garden. We weren’t paying attention. We got wrapped up in a moment, and Mama caught us. She told my daddy. He was friends with Otis’s daddy, and Otis had always had his eye on me. That’s how I come to marry him. I was an abomination to them, and they wanted nothing more to do with me unless I did what they wanted. So, I did. As you might’ve guessed, it changed nothing. They don’t want to see me, especially if I’ve left Otis. This is the real reason why I couldn’t go home.”

Rae Lynn grabbed Cornelia’s hand again and held on to it tight.

She said, “Nellie. I can’t lie to you. It’s true, I don’t feel the same as you, but I do care about you. As a friend. I hope you can accept that.”

Cornelia gave her a sad little smile. “Of course. It’s the best gift you can give me.”

The melancholy little smile Cornelia gave her was heartbreaking and honest. They sat for a long while, quiet and peaceful, both women pondering what the future might hold for them.

A week later, Rae Lynn followed Del to the barn, where he was cleaning and organizing the turpentine tools. He’d laid out an assortment including tin gutters, Herty cups and aprons, bark hacks, pullers, hanging boxes filled with nails and gutters that would be carried from tree to tree to tack tin, and in another corner she saw all the implements needed for dipping, from buckets, to dip barrels, and to dip irons. He was organized, methodical, and careful. It didn’t seem right to compare him to Warren, but she couldn’t help it. She rubbed at her half-missing finger. She felt confident she wouldn’t have to worry about carelessness or accidents.

She said, “You got most everything you need.”

He said, “I do. Only waiting on the work hands, and they’ll be coming next week. And a horse for you. We ought to go look at one I saw over to Rockfish. How’s the baby and mama doing this morning?”

“Sudie May said he ate twice last night. She said it’s all he wants to do. And sleep.”

Del started sharpening the bark hacks, his movements rhythmic and efficient.

He said, “Them Whitaker boys are gonna be tall like their daddy.” He pushed the hair off of his forehead, and Rae Lynn thought he’d gone from relaxed to a little nervous. She had this effect on him lately, like he’d get to thinking on something, look at her, and just as quick, turn away.

He continued talking and said, “Hard to believe we been gone from Swallow Hill eight months now.”