The Resolution of Callie & Kayden(42)

‘I kind of understand why you did it, though,’ I say, staring at the soda in my hand. ‘I had a hard time just coming here … The whole family thing is strange to me because it’s good, yet it reminds me of how bad things can be. And I don’t mean you. You were never bad. And Tyler, well, he was great until he started doing drugs and turned into a mess. But I mean Mom and Dad.’

Dylan reaches for his beer again. ‘It is hard, isn’t it? It took me forever to figure out how to be in a house with Liz, how to act like a family because I didn’t have a freaking clue. I felt so lost, you know?’

‘And now?’ I wonder. ‘Is it better now …? Because it seems like it is.’

He nods. ‘Now I’m happy.’ He gives me a smile then takes a sip of the beer before he asks, ‘So what about you, Kayden? Are you happy?’

I shrug. ‘Sure. I guess.’

He frowns. ‘You guess?’

I shrug again. ‘Sometimes I am, but I wish I could figure out how to be all the time, you know.’ He gives me a sad look and I explain further. ‘It’s just that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I mean, football’s great and I’m good at it and enjoy playing it, but I only got into it because of Dad. And that’s the thing. It all …’ I blow out a breath. ‘It all comes back to him. I don’t want to have anything to do with him and every time something is connected to him, I’m not happy … I swear to God, I can sometimes hear his voice in my head when I’m out playing … I just want to be able to play for me …’ I stop talking, unsure why I decided to say that aloud – I haven’t even told Callie about that yet.

Dylan’s shoulders slump, probably from the weight of the memories of our father. ‘Kayden, you shouldn’t let that – him – stop you from doing anything. It only gives him more power over your life. If football makes you happy, then do it. I know it’s hard, but you need to let this thing with Dad go. Let the past go. And I think once you do, you’ll stop hearing all that f*cked up shit he said to you all the time – you’ll be able to play for you.’

‘You pretty much just stated word for word what my therapist said,’ I tell him then heave a heavy sigh. ‘And I know I should … and I’m trying to. It’s just going to take some time for me to figure shit out.’ I set the can down on the table, then cross my arms as I recline in the sofa, wondering if there will ever be a time I can play for me and just love/love the game. I sure as hell hope so. ‘I have a ways to go, though … I mean, I still f*ck up sometimes with certain things.’ I’m not going to go any further than that, as I’m not ready to talk to him about my cutting disorder.

‘Everyone does that. It’s called life, Kayden.’

‘Yeah, I know.’

A gap of silence goes by and I start to focus back on the game. Someone just scored a touchdown and the crowd is going wild. The sight puts me in a state of contentment, like it does whenever I’m playing.

‘What about that Callie girl you’re dating?’ he asks, drawing my attention back to him. ‘Are you still seeing her?’

I move to grab my soda. ‘Yeah, we actually just got our own place right before I headed out here.’

His eyes widen in astonishment. ‘Shut the f*ck up. Seriously?’ he asks and I nod, caught off guard by his excitement. ‘Wow, I didn’t know you guys were that serious. You never really seemed like you were on the phone. Then again, you barely talk about your private life either, so …’ he trails off, looking sort of sad.

‘Don’t take that personally,’ I say. ‘I only talk about that stuff with Callie.’

He nods, relaxing a little. ‘Wow, you are f*cking serious with this girl, aren’t you?’

‘Who’s serious with a girl?’ Liz interrupts our conversation as she comes strolling in with a plate full of what looks like burnt squash. I didn’t even know you could burn squash.

‘Kayden,’ Dylan tells her at the same time I say, ‘No one.’

Dylan’s grin is conniving as he looks from me to Liz. ‘Callie and Kayden moved in together.’

‘Really.’ Her eyes light up as she sets the plate down on the coffee table. ‘That’s so huge, Kayden. Why didn’t you tell us?’

Again, Dylan looks hurt and it makes me feel slightly remorseful. Maybe I’ve been going about this whole getting-to-know-your-family thing all wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t have been shutting them out as much as I have been. But it’s difficult to let people in when I know how bad people can hurt you. Still, I decide to try because I know if Callie were here, that’s what she’d want me to do.