The Reading List(89)

He knew this must be about her mother. He saw Aleisha’s face on the day she’d opened up to him, how sad, how young she looked. A 17-year-old girl shouldn’t need to be strong all the time.

‘Aleisha?’ Mukesh sat down next to her tentatively. ‘How are you?’

She looked to her knees and shook her head. He could see her body doing all it could not to curl up into a ball and disappear.

‘Miss Aleisha, what can I do? You can talk to me.’

‘No,’ she whispered, her voice breaking. She clutched her hand to her heart and Mukesh cautiously placed his palm on her shoulder.

‘There, there,’ he said, hating the words as soon as they’d left his mouth. They sat side by side, Aleisha staring at the ground, Mukesh staring at his knees.

The silence stretched out for what felt like hours.

‘My brother,’ she whispered. ‘He’s dead. They said he jumped in front of a train.’ Each word exhausted her.

Mukesh took a moment to understand. ‘Your brother?’ He said the words so softly, hoping she’d never have to hear them. Hoping he’d be able to change everything. But there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t make it better.

Aleisha nodded. ‘I had to get out, of the house. I can’t breathe in there. I can’t—’ She was struggling to catch her breath; until her breathing turned sharp, but shallow. ‘It doesn’t make sense. He was fine. He was so strong. He looked after us all.’

Mukesh squeezed her shoulder just slightly. He took a deep breath; he could feel his heart torn in two. He imagined Denver, fighting for her family, fighting to do her best to save her mother, to save her sister Beloved – but he didn’t have Denver’s power, her intelligence – right now, there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t hide behind someone else’s words now, searching for an answer, he had to say something himself, say something real.

‘I don’t know what to do,’ Aleisha looked at him, pleading. Aleisha, who always told him what to do, what to read – she was asking him for help.

‘Maybe, maybe you should go home. You should be with your mother, family.’

Aleisha’s shoulders drew into her body.

‘I missed so much,’ she said. Her voice concealed a current of rage. ‘Mum missed so much. What were we doing? How could we have done this? I just had my head stuck in those books.’ Her voice turned into a shout – Mukesh skimmed the park to see if anyone was looking, but no one was paying them any attention at all. To everyone else, their lives were continuing – while Aleisha’s life had come to a complete stop. She slammed her fist on the book, roughly pulling it open, scraping her nails down the pages. Mukesh strangled a gasp. ‘I was crying over people who didn’t even exist, and all the time, my brother needed me, and needed my help, and I was blind. Completely blind!’ She threw the book to the floor. Mukesh watched it land, face down. He instinctually wanted to pick it up, to wipe it clean, to return it to safety. Instead, he turned to Aleisha – her face was screwed up, her eyes were shut.

‘It isn’t your fault.’ He could tell she wanted to disagree but had no energy to put up a fight. ‘I will call Nilakshiben. She will know what to do.’

He hadn’t meant to say the last bit out loud but Aleisha nodded. She was looking at her shoes, brushing one toe over the other. Her fingers clutched the palm of her right hand, the thumb pushing in as hard as it could. She was checking if she still had the ability to feel, to understand the world around her. Hoping, praying, that this was just a dream.

Nilakshi arrived half an hour later with snacks in hand. She had picked up some salt’n’shake crisps and some dhebra too. She offered the crisps to Aleisha, and when Aleisha asked instead about the dhebra, Nilakshi said, ‘Oh, just Indian food. You might not like it,’ but Aleisha tried it anyway. She ate the tiniest amount. No more than a fingertip-sized piece. She claimed that was enough. Mukesh wasn’t sure she had eaten for days.

Nilakshi didn’t say anything to Aleisha, but she embraced her, without awkwardness, without asking for permission. ‘My beta,’ she said softly, and held on as tightly as she could. Eventually, Aleisha pulled herself away, gently. ‘I should go home.’ They all nodded, and Nilakshi led them to her car.

They drove to Aleisha’s house in silence. As they parked, Aleisha stayed in the car, rooted to the spot. She was clearly terrified of setting foot back inside – she didn’t want to meet whatever was waiting for her there: sadness, emptiness, heartbreak. Mukesh didn’t blame her. He remembered his own house when Naina died. He couldn’t be in it. He couldn’t do anything there. Rohini had taken it upon herself to sort everything out for him. She’d tidied Naina’s things away for him, putting them in safe places, but making sure the house felt as if she was still there without reminding him that she was gone for ever. He wondered who would do this for Aleisha. Where was her father? Would he come home to help?

A voice inside Mukesh – perhaps Naina – told him to distract Aleisha, to help her focus on something else, to get her through the present moment. ‘Aleisha?’ he asked tentatively. ‘What did you think of Little Women? It’s good, ne?’

Her eyes darted up at him, and he knew he shouldn’t have said anything. ‘I don’t care about Little Women, Mr P!’ she snapped, but clutched her hand to her mouth – willing the words to unsay themselves. Softer this time, she continued: ‘I’ve spent too much time in books. I need to start living again, or who knows if I’ll fuck everything else up?’