The Reading List(66)

Aleisha put the sandwiches down. Aidan forgot the final wrinkles in the blanket. They rushed towards her.

Instinctively, Leilah turned to Aidan first. Aleisha knew she couldn’t reach either of them now. Aidan started humming softly, a chorus of, ‘It’s okay, Mum,’ and, ‘You’re safe, Mum,’ and, ‘We can eat in here, we don’t have to go outside.’

Aleisha was forgotten. Redundant.

She walked back to the kitchen counter and watched from a distance, her worries bunched up inside her, forming a stone in the pit of her stomach. Heavy. Hurting. Aidan was kneeling in front of his mother. Both his hands clasped around one of hers. Praying. Begging her to be okay again. Leilah only ever wanted Aidan. The air was thick. Aleisha could barely breathe. Her brother looked at her, for help, to check she was okay, and she could see the air was suffocating him too. At least, she thought for the tiniest of moments, she wasn’t the only one.

‘It’s okay, it’s going to be okay,’ he told Leilah. Aidan slammed the garden door shut, keeping the outside world firmly out, locking the three of them in. He walked Leilah upstairs to her room.

‘Can I help?’ Aleisha shouted.

‘No, it’s fine. Just give us a minute,’ Aidan called down.

Although she tried to swallow it, Aleisha could feel herself getting angry. Her mind started to race. She leaned against the counter, staring at Aidan’s fucking Peter Rabbit plate. Always so happy. Always reminding her that Aidan was the best one here. Before she could register what she was doing, she grabbed the plate from the shelf, and let it slip out of her hand. It crashed onto the floor, smashing in slow motion, letting Aleisha feel every microsecond of her selfishness.

‘Leish?’ Aidan came rushing down to find her picking up the first shard, pushing the sharp edge into the tip of her finger, watching as a bead of blood blossomed in front of her eyes. ‘Are you okay?’ He grabbed a tea towel, wrapping it tightly round her finger as if it was the biggest injury in the world. ‘I’m so sorry, I should have helped you clear up.’

‘Is Mum okay?’ Aleisha asked, not wanting to know the answer.

‘She’ll be okay.’

He said nothing about the fact it was his plate, his special display plate. The sandwiches were still sitting on the kitchen counter, untouched, as he swept up Peter Rabbit’s cotton tail.

A few hours later, Aleisha was curled up on the sofa, trying to disappear. Aidan walked into the living room. He stood, just looking at her for a while, a beer clasped in his hands. ‘Aleisha?’ he said, softly.

‘What?’ She didn’t want to look at him.

He took a deep breath. ‘I really think we should get Mum to speak to someone,’ he said, his voice harbouring a tremor for the second time that evening.

The silence in the room echoed in Aleisha’s ears. Aidan had tiptoed around the subject before, but he’d never said it so clearly. They’d both believed ‘next time, it would be different.’ Now, his words told her that he wasn’t sure it would be.

She could feel his eyes focused on her. Aleisha didn’t reply. She didn’t want to talk right now.

He stood where he was for a while, and then sighed deeply again. He sat down, stared blindly at the TV adverts. Comparing the meerkats. Should have gone to the opticians. Every little is useful.

‘I’m going back to the warehouse for my night shift later,’ Aidan said, eventually.

‘You can’t drink that then,’ she snapped. She could smell the beer through the cap of the can. ‘Look, Aid. Call in sick. Go to bed. It’s been a long day.’

Aidan didn’t say anything at first. Then: ‘One can is fine.’

She looked at him. She could tell from his tone, from the droop in his eyes, he had had more than one already.

‘Who was that guy earlier, in the park? Boyfriend?’ She watched him trying to conjure an expression of interest onto his face.

‘Between the library and being here, I’ve got no time for a boyfriend, do I?’

‘You’re not always here,’ Aidan said.

‘Feel like I am.’

‘Mum said you’ve been reading to her. The books from the library.’

‘I think she likes it.’

‘Just be careful, okay? Nothing triggering.’

‘She likes it. It helps her relax.’

‘She’s probably not even concentrating.’

‘That’s fine. She’s listening. She doesn’t need to concentrate.’

‘Okay, okay. And look, invite that guy round. I want to meet him properly.’

‘I’ve not even met him properly,’ Aleisha said, turning back to the television.

‘Why’d he look so friendly then?’

‘Guess I just invite people to open up,’ Aleisha laughed. Although she hated to admit it, the thought of Zac made her want to throw herself into Pride and Prejudice, to spend time going to dances, to be carefree for a moment, to live life as a normal nineteenth-century teenager, occupied with flirting, boys, marriage. Turning herself to her real life, away from her make-believe, she wondered what it would be like if she actually had time to hang out with Zac, if he could actually become a friend, more than a friend.

She was flicking aimlessly through the channels now. She turned the TV off. ‘Night, Aidan. Go to bed. Don’t go to work, you won’t be doing anyone a favour.’